tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90108275578636591822024-03-14T07:17:40.434-04:00Insignificant, Yet ImportantAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.comBlogger198125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-71196774008469014762016-01-02T20:55:00.000-05:002016-01-02T20:55:54.721-05:00Winter BluesI go for my certification in just a few days. <br />
<br />
After waiting a year and a half for the green light, I'm finally able to take the exam that will give me the slight extra responsibility at work. I'll be thankful I won't have to be buried in pharmacological texts.<br />
<br />
Add that stress to my normal winter funk... I really hate this time of year. The holidays remind most people of family. All it makes me think of is death. We're coming up on three years without my brother. His suicide just magnifies my depression and suicidal thoughts. <br />
<br />
Just before Thanksgiving I relapsed. It had been over a year since I had hurt myself. Then I spent one month cutting myself just about everyday. I didn't tell anyone until last night. The only reason I even told him was the possibility of him seeing my scars the next time I see him...<br />
<br />
I seriously hate winter.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-83253429983206541562015-12-28T23:30:00.001-05:002015-12-28T23:30:40.838-05:00Hello...It's been a long three years...<br />
<br />
I've been trying to determine whether or not opening this back up would be a good idea. I wish I could act as if this past years never happened and perhaps I wouldn't have fallen so out of touch with the world that meant so much to me.<br />
<br />
I'm going to try harder, I promise.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-87193273244098793862013-05-05T18:13:00.001-04:002013-05-05T18:13:29.019-04:00Unexpected<p>My brother died the morning of January 9, 2013. One month to the day my grandmother passed. But lets back up a little bit. </p>
<p>I was feeling a little ill the night before. I had been camped out on the living room couch for almost a week. Momz made a nice family dinner and the three of us gathered in the living room for some TV and good times. We all joked around, poking fun at one another. It was an awesome night. </p>
<p>The next morning I woke up around noon. It was my day off and I was still feeling under the weather. Everyone was at work, so I was glad to have the house to myself. I remained fixed to the couch with the remote at my side. </p>
<p>Momz got home around three and hung out for an hour or so before leaving to pick Justin up from work at five. She got back an hour later alone saying he never made it to work. At this point it was dusk and she noticed a light coming from the shed. </p>
<p>Next thing I know, she's running back into the house telling me to call 911. Justin was dead and had been for hours. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-61049554151449704642013-05-04T00:13:00.001-04:002013-05-04T00:14:10.368-04:00Blur<p>Most of my fall was a huge drunken blur. I drank whenever I wasn't at work, spending most of it numb. I was trying to avoid facing a handful of things. I spent nights, although it was usually just an hour, with different guys. I wasn't a fan of repeats. That lead to the rape. It didn't stop my behavior for some reason. </p>
<p>I didn't stop drinking until around Thanksgiving. My grandmother was dying, I was suicidal, and I felt like I had no friends. When she did pass, I decided I needed to be more serious about things. I realized I needed to take relationships seriously. I stopped hooking up and looking for something real. </p>
<p>Then my brother died. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-62030264531852691212013-04-16T17:05:00.001-04:002013-04-16T17:06:56.859-04:00Where To Start<p>I'm not even sure where to start. I should probably discuss my six months of heavily drinking. Or maybe the absurd amount of one nights stands. The rape. The girl's  whose life I temporally ruined. Perhaps my family deaths. </p>
<p>I've been such a horrid person and I'm only beginning to become a decent human being again. This is going to majorly suck. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-53378270646766387642013-04-10T23:07:00.001-04:002013-04-10T23:09:20.383-04:00I Might Be Back...<p>I lost regular computer access a while back which ended any chance of posting that might have been. I'm going to attempt to post more now that I've gotten a phone fancy enough to allow this. </p>
<p>I refuse to make any sort of promise. </p>
<p>But maybe a quick update?<br>
I'm still single, by choice. I don't want to settle. My Nana died. My car died. New car. Brother died. Cat ran away. New job. </p>
<p>Life. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-42558185963315905492012-10-16T17:11:00.001-04:002012-10-16T17:11:22.356-04:00From Insecure Back to HeartlessLast week was pretty damn strange for me. I decided to let someone in and open up. I went all lame and had feelings for someone. I had feelings for someone for the first time since Isaiah. I went all crazy girl and acted like an insecure little bitch. I'm actually wicked happy it's over.<br />
<br />
I met this guy who turned out to be the ex of a girl I used to work with. We really got along but he was so flip floppy about his feelings for me. He claimed to like me, but then made a point to say he didn't want to be serious. He still had all these pictures of his ex all over the house and occasionally still referred to her as his wife. Then he just made me feel like complete and utter shit. So yeah, no thank you. I'm totally over that.<br />
<br />
The night he gave me the whole spiel about not being serious, I started seeing other guys again. He saw me making out with another guy that night and still felt the need to question me about it. Now I've just fallen back into the habit of making out with everyone when I'm drinking, which is quite often. Though I can't blame them all on my drunkenness.<br />
<br />
I have about an hour to get ready for a first date and I'm sitting here typing away. My hair is going to take the majority of that time. I should probably go, but I'm sure I won't. For some reason my procrastination is over shadowing my excitement to see a good movie. Perhaps I actually have missed sharing all my secrets with all my internet friends.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-29873908097072935032012-10-01T21:58:00.000-04:002012-10-01T21:58:46.807-04:00Fan and a CandleI'm in bed tonight as my mind circles. I lit a candle so I can watch the flame dance around the issue just as I am. I've been avoiding way too much lately and I still don't feel up to the task of facing it. I'm still a massive fan of ignoring my problems.<br />
<br />
I'm lonely tonight, just as I am every night. I pretend I'm not, I pretend I don't care about anything. I am no where near ready or comfortable enough to open my heart back up, even though the ex supposedly has a new girlfriend. He was the first person I had truly loved in years and he ruined everything for me. I don't trust, especially after he cheated. He further proved my self worth and now I'm trying to own it.<br />
<br />
I've shut off my heart and all emotions. I refuse to let myself be caught up in commitment and relationships. I get drunk and sleep around. The only connection I'm okay with is the physical. Now when I feel the need to be close to someone, I hit up the bar and find someone willing. It's caused my count to go up a bit, but I was over that a while ago.<br />
<br />
I've recently had the marriage conversation with a new friend. I don't think I'm meant for it. I like the idea and would love to be married and have a family one day, I just don't see it happening. I don't see myself ever feeling comfortable enough with a good enough person for it to ever occur. I thought I found the one twice and both times I was used. At this rate the only reason I think I'd become a wife is to enter into a contract marriage with one of the local higher ups.<br />
<br />
I'm bundled up and the temperature around me changes. A fan on one side and the candle on the other. Cool on one side and hot on the other. Just like me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-90963486488030869682012-09-30T20:24:00.001-04:002012-09-30T20:24:04.988-04:00A New StartThere's a lot that happened since I last wrote. I'm not even going to bother to catch everyone up. I'm just going to start back up where I am now. If you're actually curious about what I'm not divulging, simply ask. I'll tell.<br />
<br />
As for now, I'm going to attempt to use this to keep myself in check. Trying to cut down on drinking and random hookups. I'm trying to be more responsible, though I don't see any of that actually happening. We'll see how this goes, I sure as hell need an outlet other than getting drunk and acting like a lunatic.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-83014902943853260602012-05-27T19:11:00.000-04:002012-05-27T19:11:44.743-04:00Uncertainty.I'm writing this purely to waste time before nightfall so no one can see me cry as I walk through the neighborhood. I feel like the majority of the time I've been alone in the last week or two has been filled with depressive thoughts. Perhaps I really am meant to be alone. Perhaps I really am too difficult to be with as I've suspected all along.<br />
<br />
As of right now, we're still together. Though I suspect that's only so it can happen face to face. He's unhappy with our relationship. He's taking the weekend to think things over, at my suggestion. Apparently at only three months into our relationship, my bad credit is a huge deal. He thinks I'm avoiding the situation, which to be fair I kind of am. But I am trying in certain areas. I have been applying for better job, cards to repair credit, even trying to contact the company I took my student loan from.<br />
<br />
Besides from this one part, he's happy with me. He's said repeatedly how amazing I am to him, even when he's an asshole and doesn't deserve it. I've been trying harder than I have with any other relationship to make this work. I've been suppressing all my more unattractive qualities. I've been more easy going, less jealous, more accepting. I'm honestly completely in love with him and he says he is with me.<br />
<br />
I'm supposed to be flying to Minnesota on the sixth to meet the rest of his family. How am I supposed to take a week off with his family if he's just going to end things when we get back? At the end of his drunken rant the other night, he says he's not leaving me because he'd regret it. I'm just hoping he still feels that way when he comes back.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-54735201933898935102012-05-03T02:39:00.000-04:002012-05-03T02:39:27.480-04:00Up Late & AnnoyedI'm awake at 2:25am and I'm annoyed.<br />
I have work at 9am and I cannot sleep because I'm annoyed.<br />
Momz is being super judge-y and annoying me.<br />
<br />
Isaiah, the boyfriend, is moving into Nana's house next week when she leaves for the season. Now Momz is all up in my grill about how it's not such a good idea for him to be there. And how that doesn't mean I shouldn't come home. She keeps saying how we don't really know him.<br />
<br />
Well, let's see. I understand I've only been with him for a short while, two months today in fact, but that doesn't mean much to me. I am in love with him. I have met his family while I spent Easter weekend with them and will be meeting the rest when I spend a week in Minnesota next month. We talk about everything, including plans to move in together. He wants to now, I told him to wait until end of summer. But if Momz keeps getting on my case, I might just do that earlier than planned.<br />
<br />
I want to move in with Isaiah. I can't get enough of spending time with him and love falling asleep and waking up next to him. I feel like I'm finally getting something right. I still a little panicky and nervous sometimes, but that's because this is real and he loves me so passionately. I haven't felt this loved in years. Or wanted. I was just trying to do the right thing and be practical rather than act on my emotions.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's a time for a little impulse.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-23282593551300934042012-04-20T22:07:00.000-04:002012-04-21T08:14:23.734-04:00Enter a New PerspectiveI look back to my last post and I feel a little uneasy on how lost I felt then. In a few short months I'm in a much better place and feeling much different about myself and life. I'm still slightly unsure on what everything means and where to go from here, but I'm not as petrified anymore. It's all thanks to one major change in my life. I'll try to catch you up as well as I can.<br />
<br />
In the weeks that followed that last update of mine, I had ups and downs. I attempted to fill the emotional ache I felt with physical encounters. I made a few new male playmates and toyed with a few of their hearts. I'm not too proud of that, but I was in a low place. Then one night I went to a strip club, my first, with a friend from work. I proceeded to get drunk, invite every guy I was seeing, and hand out as many singles as I could afford. Only one guy showed up and I'm actually pretty happy about that.<br />
<br />
His name was Isaiah and we hadn't actually met in person before that night. I was a mess, drunk, and in work clothes, but he took everything in stride. We had a fun time there, changed locales for dinner, then talked and joked and laughed. I felt so immediately close with him. We spent the next few nights with each other driving to different towns and adventuring. He fit in so perfectly with me and was just about as crazy as I am.<br />
<br />
We met on Monday, by Friday I knew I wanted him for myself. Even with all my commitment issues and my fear of being confined, I was more afraid to lose him. We spent our first night together, had our first time, and simply enjoyed each other's company into the next day. By the way, waiting a week was pretty good for me, Just saying.<br />
<br />
He's an absolute sweetheart and gentleman. Isaiah's about a foot taller than me, a Marine, amazing blue green eyes, cuddler, has about the cutest smile, from Minnesota and genuinely cares about me. I forgot what that felt like. For someone to actually want to see me everyday and miss me when I'm gone. He's patient with me through all my issues and is willing to wait until I'm ready to take the next step. A few weeks in, he told me he loved me. It took me about half an hour to get the courage to say it back and when I did, there were tears in my eyes. I get so paranoid when I open up and make myself vulnerable. But he was so amazing throughout everything.<br />
<br />
I still get little twinges of my nerves every once in a while but I much rather deal with that than not having him around. He's making me feel better about myself, considering he calls me beautiful several times a day, and loves all my quirks. I'm trying so hard to make this work. I'm being understanding, open, and non judgmental. Or at least I'm trying to be. This is a relationship I can actually see going somewhere and I'm trying to go against my nature and not mess it up.<br />
<br />
Surprisingly, we've already discussed moving in together. At the moment, I still live at home and he lives in the barracks on base. Neither are very ideal places. He's ready to take this major step now, but I'm not so sure about it. We came to the agreement that we'd save up money and if we still want to, we'd find a place at the end of the summer. Though we recently had another opportunity present itself. My nana only lives here part time and has offered her place to him this summer. Of course he wants me there with him. I told him it would be part time for me, but we'll see how that goes.<br />
<br />
As for other things going on in my life other than my love life. I had to replace my windshield with money I didn't have after a flying metal object smashed it. Luckily my boss loaned me money to fix it. Who is also giving me a raise, finally, after almost a year of being there. Oh, I should probably mention my hospitalization.<br />
<br />
One day at work a little over a month ago, I stayed late to do some extra work. I was slicing cheese and sliced off part of my left pinky with it. I had to get five stitches and miss a few days of work. Those days weren't too shabby. I spent them high off my butt on percocets. Plus I got babied around the house and with the boyfriend. He was pretty damn awesome during that. And during my jaw infection the week prior. Poor guy had to deal with a sickly Jess basically the whole first month of us being together. But the scar on my finger looks like a turtle and we named it Norman.<br />
<br />
That, I think pretty much sums it up! Here's to hoping I get back into the habit of writing!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-13793059188271179292012-02-13T00:34:00.000-05:002012-02-13T00:34:54.973-05:00Another SpiralSo here we are. Restriction is over and it seems I've gotten the answer to my worries.<br />
<br />
There's been no contact. No phone call, no text returning mine, no meeting. Appears all my fears were well founded and are now confirmed. I've put myself into the exact situation I didn't want to be in. I swore off emotions months ago so I wouldn't have to feel like I do now. But he wore me down and broke through the walls I had up.<br />
<br />
I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, though I'll blame that on the Notebook, listening to depressing country songs, and thinking about everything I did wrong and those I've loved in the past. Granted I'm not in love currently, that's where my mind tends to go. Quite often in fact.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I'm thinking over past loves because I've been talking to one recently. He was the last serious relationship I had and apparently I made an impression. We were good for each other and surprisingly I'm a compassionate and considerate girlfriend. But we wanted different things with our lives and it never would have gone further.<br />
<br />
Then I think about the last person I fell for, which didn't end well. I suppose that's when my walls began to go up. I fell hard completely only to be crushed. So I don't trust people. Because of him, because of the infamous ex, because of death, because of experience.<br />
<br />
I'm fighting the urge to hurt myself. I know where my scalpel is and I want to use it. Not because a boy stood me up. But because of the constant feelings of inadequacy I've had lately. I've been having bouts of depression again. I've been feeling that I'm never going to be good enough or accomplish anything. All I want to do is stay in bed forever and pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it certainly isn't going to miss me.<br />
<br />
The screen is beginning to blur more and more as the tears start to fall again. I don't have really anyone to talk to. I have some friends, but no one I could call at 1am and just cry to. I honestly don't think I have anyone that would be there for me through anything. I would be there for them, but probably not for me.<br />
<br />
I'm leaving these headphones on and leaving my phone across the room. I'm blocking it all out.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-59950041876476015442012-01-29T22:25:00.001-05:002012-01-29T22:25:56.395-05:00My Inner Turmoil Of The MomentWell here we are on day 32 of 45 and I'm starting to doubt my decision to go ahead with a relationship. I honestly think I'm too much of an emotional wreck to drag another person that deeply into my world. Over the last couple days I've had these powerful depressive moods where all I want to do is cry and think about how insignificant in the world. I'm beginning to feel as though all the important people in my life are disappearing and I don't seem to be handling that well. I'm still heavily mourning the death of my friend and now the weird emotional attachments to my Marine are starting to feel strange.<br />
<br />
In two weeks I might hear from him. I'm afraid I won't, that he forgot about me. On the other hand, I'm kind of hoping he has forgotten about me. It'll save me some emotional turmoil. It'll save me all the effort I'd need to figure out if I'm ready to bring someone in. I miss him more than anything. I love his laugh and his ease at making me laugh. I feel comfortable with him and everything we've done. But love, commitment, long term... Those concepts terrify me. Just thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills and pretend it was never brought up. How I'm to get over this, I suppose time is the only answer. Unless of course someone out there has some secret remedy they could share.<br />
<br />
If I pretend I don't have these feelings of longing or romance, if I pretend that I'm not still miserable about death, then I appear happy. I can joke around and flirt with randoms. I can live out my day as though I have no serious concerns or cares. I like that world. The oblivious world I have created for myself. It's rather nice here.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-89645505448976639872012-01-15T23:31:00.000-05:002012-01-15T23:31:47.117-05:00Not Enough DistractionsI'm feeling damn conflicted lately. I'm lonely, angry. I miss Rob. I miss the new boy. But I wish I didn't miss either. Next week will be three months since the death and I still think of Rob almost daily. It's been about eighteen days since I last saw the boy, who went and got himself on Marine restriction for 45 days. If we were able to talk, this would be so much easier.<br />
<br />
The first night of his restriction, I went to a bar and got trashed. I ended up telling everyone I had a boyfriend and making out with a cowboy whose hat I stole, a chick who wanted to take me home with her boyfriend, and turned down two other offers. It felt pretty damn good. Until I saw that cowboy the following week during work.<br />
<br />
Last Monday I went out again all dolled up. Hit on someone else. My god what a prude. I got a hug, kiss on the forehead, and a number. Which he didn't use. It's not like I wanted to fuck the dude. Just make out.<br />
I just want a little validation since I can't talk to the person I really want to.<br />
<br />
I'm still single, but I supposed I'm emotionally taken? I'm not sleeping with anyone because I'm only thinking of one person. Making out and hitting on people is just a distraction from these stronger feelings. I don't like feelings and it's kind of freaking me out. I like him. I haven't seriously wanted to date someone in a long time, even before all the commitment phobe trouble. And now I'm all insecure about being the only one with feelings.<br />
<br />
Oh, I also had to take a delivery to Drunk Dick the other day. Awkward much? Ugh.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-37984816995109744622011-12-22T23:29:00.000-05:002011-12-22T23:29:18.836-05:00We Need To TalkI met his friends last night. He decided I should meet them, so we went to nickel draft night at a local country bar. It was actually a lot of fun. But I got drunk and started talking.<br />
<br />
The topic of a relationship came up. I was rambling about commitment issues at the beginning and then admitting we're pretty much dating as it is. Luckily, he was sober enough to decide to save that conversation for a time when we're both sober.<br />
<br />
We were supposed to meet after work, but things came up on both our ends. On the phone he said he wanted to continue our conversation. I told him I was drunk and an idiot, to completely ignore anything I said. That it wasn't something totally pressing. However, he still wishes to have that conversation.<br />
<br />
It seems we're both messed up in the relationship department. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and am still grieving the death of my friend. His last girlfriend committed suicide while they were together. I think he won.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-81930288534104106552011-12-20T20:23:00.000-05:002011-12-20T20:23:03.283-05:00I'm So ConfusedI hate commitment. I hate feelings. I hate all that touchy feely romance shit.<br />
<br />
I think I like someone. I enjoy spending time with him. I smile when I think of him.<br />
<br />
It could be the sex. I'm going with the sex. I'm infatuated with lust and sex.<br />
<br />
My mind is a state of utter confusion and irritation.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-24641222727021202422011-12-12T01:07:00.000-05:002011-12-12T01:07:45.213-05:00Delayed RamblingsSo I'm kind of an emotional wreck nowadays. Anything that resembles commitment scares me off. A guy asking me for a date has me making excuses, fake boyfriends. I don't want to let anyone else in. I'm afraid of giving someone every weapon they need to destroy everything I am. Because of this, I put all stock into the physical. If I'm craving closeness, I attempt to get someone in bed. Though that hasn't worked yet, but I have tried. I envision myself naked with more people than I care to admit.<br />
<br />
I'm still blaming Rob's death on love and commitment no matter how wrong that is. I honestly believe he would still be alive if not for his feelings for someone. The accident was a result of a love spat and his eventual death was him giving up. I'm not ready to die, no matter how many times I visualize it. The days of me wanting to live greatly outnumber the days I consider driving into oncoming traffic.<br />
<br />
I'm getting lonely. Lately I've actually been getting hours and been working as much as I can. I've been trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied. But in those slow moments when I'm driving or when Facebook shows me something about Rob, I have to fight back tears. I have to force myself to stop picturing our last moments together, our last conversation. I didn't think he was so important to me until he was gone.<br />
<br />
I want nothing more than to cuddle in bed with someone who cares about me. I want to be wanted. I'm being pretty damn self destructive with this anti commitment and love thing I'm going through. The people I want to be with are all in Massachusetts and I would kill for the chance to see them again. Husband is offering to pay for my plane ticket up there and to take care of me for a week. I'm currently trying to figure out if I could afford to take a week off work. If I have to live off ramen for awhile, I'm completely willing.<br />
<br />
I want my family back.<br />
<br />
*I was just about to post this but got pulled to Facebook for some reason or another. On my profile, Rob is the first person listed. I can kill myself now.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-64587825382425170012011-11-22T09:49:00.001-05:002011-11-22T09:56:31.389-05:00Saturday marked one month since Rob was in a car accident, the day his expiration date read one week. I'm still angry. I've denounced any emotional attachments to people that could potentially hurt me somewhere in the distant or not so distant future. I've decided that being single is the best possible thing for me right now while simultaneously having dreams about marriage and pregnancy. My brain is in such a state of contradiction I'm pretty sure it's peaking at World Record status.<br />
<br />
I've had almost no voice for almost a week now. I talk as little as possible, though I still find myself talking about the death. I miss my ghetto Canadian. I miss walking through the neighborhood smoking cigars like we're cool kids. I voice my fears and losses even when I don't have a voice. The funny part in all this, I'm getting hit on more with no voice and state of constant anger.<br />
<br />
I want to be back on my Cape Cod beaches. The ocean was always the one constant in my life, even though it's ever changing. The rolling waves crashing against the jetties always had a way of straightening out my thoughts.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-11201074554214768792011-11-09T19:05:00.001-05:002011-11-09T19:05:51.353-05:00To My CanadianThis certainly isn't the last letter I will write to you. I'm sure I'll end up writing a handful more that I hope reach you somehow. The last time I spoke to you I was hateful. I was hurt and upset. And while I'm sorry for how I said those things, I'm not sorry for what I said.<br />
<br />
Your death has caused many emotions to come to the surface. Grief, anger, loneliness, regret, guilt. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I last spoke to you. Which happened to be twelve hours before you crashed. You told me you wanted to move this way, we talked about hanging out again. You hit on me. That affects me more now than it did at the time. I have to live with flirtations being the last words you said to me. I regret now not returning those remarks in a more serious manner.<br />
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Thinking back to when we first met, I did everything wrong. I drunkenly kissed you, that was our first meeting. After which I decided to give you a chance to correct my drunken mistake, but I couldn't go through with it. I admit the only reason I slept with you that once was because of my Canadian fascination. I unintentionally strung you along like a lovesick puppy as I was seeing other people. I feel horrible that I never was able to return the feelings you had for me. But I'm happy that a friendship was able to come out of it.<br />
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Hanging out with you was always one of my favorite parts of visiting my family. I think one of my best memories was our walk around the neighborhood talking about everything and anything. You were one of those kind hearted people that took everything in stride and I was felt as I could confide in you. Which is probably why I kept in touch with you after I cut off that portion of my family.<br />
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I've already told you why I'm angry, so I probably shouldn't touch on that again. My knuckles honestly can't take it anymore. So moving on to the part that will most likely have me in tears.<br />
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I blame love and relationships for your death. Because of that, I've kind of taken a stand against both and refuse to partake in such things. Love kills you, this is what I have learned from you passing. You gave up on life because a girl didn't love you. So why would I put myself through something like that? Why would I intentionally put myself in the situation where another person decides my fate? Sorry, but not going to happen. I've become emotionally unable to create stable emotional relationships with men. At this point, I think a simple fuck buddy would be too much commitment for me. Oh yes, that's a new one. I've started using that term. I now say I'm going to fuck someone, changes.<br />
<br />
I'm almost happy I have no chance with the current man I'm attracted to. He's ten years older, gorgeous, and a sweetheart. Good thing I go out of my league so I have no chance of freaking out on him. I was talking to my Spanish Brother the other night because I was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness. The first thing I asked him, other than not to be biased, was "Am I unworthy of love?" I'm trying to convince myself of such thoughts to prove love is pointless. Love is a crutch for the weak and a weapon for the strong. End of story.<br />
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Platonic love I'm still good with. So for the first time, I love you Rob. I hate that you left me. But I sincerely hope you find everything you're looking for in your next life.<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-80274978140665987432011-10-29T00:46:00.002-04:002011-10-29T00:46:58.677-04:00Love Kills Or How I'm Using Rob's Death to Justify Why I Hate LoveMy friend died. My ghetto Canadian is gone. My friend of just a few years, whom was more than a friend at one point, passed away two days ago after being in a coma for a week. I've been in denial just slightly.<br />
<br />
I'm officially in the anger phase.<br />
<br />
I'm mad at Rob. The fucking asshole did it to himself. The accident was his fault. He was speeding in the downpour and hit a sharp curve going too fast. He left his lane and got clipped by a pick up. He <strike>drives</strike> drove a tiny ass car, smaller than the one I drive now. This caused him to fish tail, getting t-boned by a second pick up. His car flipped. Fuck you, Rob, for causing this and being to goddamn stupid to slow down in that weather.<br />
<br />
Rob had gotten into a fight that morning with his girlfriend. They broke up because she didn't love him anymore while he was still in love with her. He said he didn't care to live anymore. Well, apparently someone was listening and made it happen. He fucking gave up and stopped fighting to live. She even had the goddamn nerve to show up at the hospital even though no one wanted her there. So fuck you, bitch, I'm blaming this all on you.<br />
<br />
I spoke to him the night before this happened. Twelve hours before he was speeding down that road, Rob was talking to me. He said he missed me, he told me his plans to move to the Carolinas to be close to his best friend, my cousin, who had moved to South Carolina. He fucking hit on me. We talked about the time we had tried to go out. Our one date, the time we slept together, joked about it happening it again. Well guess what, asshole? It fucking won't.<br />
<br />
I'm officially convinced that he died because of love. I'm going to stay convinced no matter how much anyone tried to prove otherwise, which many attempted earlier. Everything that caused his death started with his broken heart. So fuck love. Fuck relationships.<br />
<br />
I'm using this one thing as an excuse to justify my commitment issues. What's the point of a relationship when it just ends in pain and ultimately death? Sorry, but I much rather live and not want to die everyday. I haven't wanted or been able to handle a relationship in a while and at this point, I don't even think I want to deal with a bone buddy. That's too much commitment for me.<br />
<br />
I can't deal with anymore personal relationships at this point in time. I'm too angry. I'm angry with just about everything. Love, relationships, commitment, life, people, the world. When I want to punch something or someone everything five minutes, I don't think it's smart to involve people in my life. I can barely feel my hand from punching the ceiling of my car all night.<br />
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Love is pointless.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-27204386156692426962011-10-27T09:39:00.000-04:002011-10-27T09:39:11.386-04:00New InkI've been slacking horribly lately. But hopefully my pain will tide you over for now.<br />
<br />
I went and got my foot covered yesterday.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-78036748999248670262011-10-19T00:26:00.000-04:002011-10-19T00:26:58.752-04:00ApatheticIt's raining. It has been for a few hours now. The sky has been dark and stormy for quite awhile. Nature is crying for me so I won't waste any more of my tears on you.<br />
<br />
Whether these tears be from anger or sadness, they won't fall any longer. I've finally realized you aren't worth the effort. You never put the effort into me and now I'm done. This is the end of me worrying over you and this is the end of me caring.<br />
<br />
I no longer love you. I no longer hate you. The thought of you brings about no emotion. You're just another number in my phone. Another name on my computer. Another face in my memory. That's all. This is going to be the last time I write to you. You're no longer worth the space on this site.<br />
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The scars you caused will fade just as you have from my life.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-87433087826295720592011-10-16T10:21:00.000-04:002011-10-16T10:21:07.347-04:00Tumblr<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I hate your opinion of me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Stop only texting me at 1am.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I'm not your booty call.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I'm worth more than you're giving me credit for. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">T</span>hat's a post from my Tumblr account <a href="http://rainyvampire.tumblr.com/">The Itch</a>. I encourage you to check it out. I use it for all the thoughts and quotes I find too short for the longer format of this blog. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9010827557863659182.post-73602185721306402492011-10-11T01:36:00.000-04:002011-10-12T00:36:54.313-04:00Why Meeting People Off The Internet Is AwesomeTonight was amazing. It seems like every other night I have is the best ever, but tonight was a low key good night. I've been texting this boy from the interwebs for the last couple days and tonight we decided to meet.<br />
<br />
We ended up meeting in the Walmart parking lot where I was sitting on the hood of my car and he was in staring at me from inside his. We established we're both creepers, indecisive, and tattoo obsessed. I brought him to my new favorite bar, the one I went to for both my birthday and a week ago, and he loved the place.<br />
<br />
Chris and I ended up having a few drinks and talking for a few hours. He made from of my accent, teased me from being from a state he hated, and we watched a bit of a baseball game on. We discussed his time in the Marines, his upcoming deployment, our families. Though making fun of the horrible karaoke singers may have been the funniest part. At one point, Chris put his arm around me and twenty minutes later kissed me. We did make out for a bit, but it was nice.<br />
<br />
I thoroughly enjoyed my night. Not in a lustful, hot man way. But a cute crush sort of way. He's already asked to see me tomorrow after work and I'm pretty excited. I'm kind of sort of really into him. More than I thought I would.<br />
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That is why I'm now wicked pro-meeting people off the internet.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11592446354332966053noreply@blogger.com5