29 January 2012

My Inner Turmoil Of The Moment

Well here we are on day 32 of 45 and I'm starting to doubt my decision to go ahead with a relationship. I honestly think I'm too much of an emotional wreck to drag another person that deeply into my world. Over the last couple days I've had these powerful depressive moods where all I want to do is cry and think about how insignificant in the world. I'm beginning to feel as though all the important people in my life are disappearing and I don't seem to be handling that well. I'm still heavily mourning the death of my friend and now the weird emotional attachments to my Marine are starting to feel strange.

In two weeks I might hear from him. I'm afraid I won't, that he forgot about me. On the other hand, I'm kind of hoping he has forgotten about me. It'll save me some emotional turmoil. It'll save me all the effort I'd need to figure out if I'm ready to bring someone in. I miss him more than anything. I love his laugh and his ease at making me laugh. I feel comfortable with him and everything we've done. But love, commitment, long term... Those concepts terrify me. Just thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills and pretend it was never brought up. How I'm to get over this, I suppose time is the only answer. Unless of course someone out there has some secret remedy they could share.

If I pretend I don't have these feelings of longing or romance, if I pretend that I'm not still miserable about death, then I appear happy. I can joke around and flirt with randoms. I can live out my day as though I have no serious concerns or cares. I like that world. The oblivious world I have created for myself. It's rather nice here.

15 January 2012

Not Enough Distractions

I'm feeling damn conflicted lately. I'm lonely, angry. I miss Rob. I miss the new boy. But I wish I  didn't miss either. Next week will be three months since the death and I still think of Rob almost daily. It's been about eighteen days since I last saw the boy, who went and got himself on Marine restriction for 45 days.  If we were able to talk, this would be so much easier.

The first night of his restriction, I went to a bar and got trashed. I ended up telling everyone I had a boyfriend and making out with a cowboy whose hat I stole, a chick who wanted to take me home with her boyfriend, and turned down two other offers. It felt pretty damn good. Until I saw that cowboy the following week during work.

Last Monday I went out again all dolled up. Hit on someone else. My god what a prude. I got a hug, kiss on the forehead, and a number. Which he didn't use. It's not like I wanted to fuck the dude. Just make out.
 I just want a little validation since I can't talk to the person I really want to.

I'm still single, but I supposed I'm emotionally taken? I'm not sleeping with anyone because I'm only thinking of one person. Making out and hitting on people is just a distraction from these stronger feelings. I don't like feelings and it's kind of freaking me out. I like him. I haven't seriously wanted to date someone in a long time, even before all the commitment phobe trouble. And now I'm all insecure about being the only one with feelings.

Oh, I also had to take a delivery to Drunk Dick the other day. Awkward much? Ugh.