Saturday marked one month since Rob was in a car accident, the day his expiration date read one week. I'm still angry. I've denounced any emotional attachments to people that could potentially hurt me somewhere in the distant or not so distant future. I've decided that being single is the best possible thing for me right now while simultaneously having dreams about marriage and pregnancy. My brain is in such a state of contradiction I'm pretty sure it's peaking at World Record status.

I've had almost no voice for almost a week now. I talk as little as possible, though I still find myself talking about the death. I miss my ghetto Canadian. I miss walking through the neighborhood smoking cigars like we're cool kids. I voice my fears and losses even when I don't have a voice. The funny part in all this, I'm getting hit on more with no voice and state of constant anger.

I want to be back on my Cape Cod beaches. The ocean was always the one constant in my life, even though it's ever changing. The rolling waves crashing against the jetties always had a way of straightening out my thoughts.

Busted Circadian Rhythms & Whore Delights

I'm delaying getting ready for work. I'm practically a zombie. My stupidity and my busted circadian rhythm wouldn't let me sleep until four hours ago. My schedule went all wacky this weekend and I ended up getting roped into working this morning.

My mood has been all crazy lately. It's been a rollercoaster. I was pissy yesterday morning due to a friend, but then surprisingly okay as the day wore on. But then I got to work and found out Melvin is now out of jail and he never let me know, like I asked him to. So I immediately texted, still haven't gotten an answer. That put me in a shit mood for the rest of the night. Which caused a headache. Hey gang, I apparently am famous for tension headaches. I guess I'm happy to finally know why I get headaches like no one's business, I just assumed I had a screwy brain.

With the headache, my ruined manicure, and a work rush, I was ready to punch someone. When I was finally allowed to have a smoke break, I just collapsed on the ground and dazed out. I talked to Tj some about why I was upset. No names of course, but I told him the guy I liked was being douchey and that I should probably stop going after douches. He responded that girls never give good guys, like him, a chance. I said, "Tj, I haven't gone after a good guy in years. Let alone given one a chance."

This Is The Here And Now

I've been thinking a lot lately about Cape Cod.

It seems pretty understandable, I did live there almost my entire life. I'd say 19 of the 21 years of life in one place is bound to get you attached. The beaches are places I'm never going to forget. It was great knowing just which one to visit to find the best jetty to run down, the perfect sand that was just soft enough, the best water to swim without all the seaweed, the one without the crabs that always pinched you feet, even where to find sand dollars. It was always nice knowing you were never futher than a few miles from the ocean, the smell of seawater a constant in the air. It's how I grew up, even when I went off to college there was the ocean just a five minute walk away. It seemed like the beach was always the place to drink, I wouldn't be a true Cape Codder without at least one drunken night on the sand. And believe me, there were a few. Many of the best stories somehow involved the ocean we were surrounded by. Or at least, some of my personal favorite outtings were on the beach.

When I first moved to North Carolina, it came as a shock that I was at least an hour drive from the ocean. An hour, I'm sure I screamed. I hated it immediately. Even if I didn't go to the beach all that much, it was just a comfort to have it there. Beyond my street is a while mess of trees, sort of like the beginning of a small forest. Or perhaps just someone's undeveloped backyard, who knows. I didn't go past these trees until only about a month ago and I was disappointed. I know it wasn't possible, but I had to stuck in my mind the ocean was beyond those trees. The ocean was still only a short walk down the street and I could go there whenever I wished. I realized I lived in the middle of the state, no where near any possible body of water, but I didn't care. It was my little reassurance, my security blanket, that this was home. Finally going beyond all the trees to only find more trees and more towns, it broke a little part of me. I'm in a completely different place, way down the east coast in a place I'm not used to. I'm getting more settled with each day, but not entirely comfortable. It'll happen eventually, I know, I'm just getting a little impatient.

I'll find my ocean again someday.