16 October 2012

From Insecure Back to Heartless

Last week was pretty damn strange for me. I decided to let someone in and open up. I went all lame and had feelings for someone. I had feelings for someone for the first time since Isaiah. I went all crazy girl and acted like an insecure little bitch. I'm actually wicked happy it's over.

I met this guy who turned out to be the ex of a girl I used to work with. We really got along but he was so flip floppy about his feelings for me. He claimed to like me, but then made a point to say he didn't want to be serious. He still had all these pictures of his ex all over the house and occasionally still referred to her as his wife. Then he just made me feel like complete and utter shit. So yeah, no thank you. I'm totally over that.

The night he gave me the whole spiel about not being serious, I started seeing other guys again. He saw me making out with another guy that night and still felt the need to question me about it. Now I've just fallen back into the habit of making out with everyone when I'm drinking, which is quite often. Though I can't blame them all on my drunkenness.

I have about an hour to get ready for a first date and I'm sitting here typing away. My hair is going to take the majority of that time. I should probably go, but I'm sure I won't. For some reason my procrastination is over shadowing my excitement to see a good movie. Perhaps I actually have missed sharing all my secrets with all my internet friends.

01 October 2012

Fan and a Candle

I'm in bed tonight as my mind circles. I lit a candle so I can watch the flame dance around the issue just as I am. I've been avoiding way too much lately and I still don't feel up to the task of facing it. I'm still a massive fan of ignoring my problems.

I'm lonely tonight, just as I am every night. I pretend I'm not, I pretend I don't care about anything. I am no where near ready or comfortable enough to open my heart back up, even though the ex supposedly has a new girlfriend. He was the first person I had truly loved in years and he ruined everything for me. I don't trust, especially after he cheated. He further proved my self worth and now I'm trying to own it.

I've shut off my heart and all emotions. I refuse to let myself be caught up in commitment and relationships. I get drunk and sleep around. The only connection I'm okay with is the physical. Now when I feel the need to be close to someone, I hit up the bar and find someone willing. It's caused my count to go up a bit, but I was over that a while ago.

I've recently had the marriage conversation with a new friend. I don't think I'm meant for it. I like the idea and would love to be married and have a family one day, I just don't see it happening. I don't see myself ever feeling comfortable enough with a good enough person for it to ever occur. I thought I found the one twice and both times I was used. At this rate the only reason I think I'd become a wife is to enter into a contract marriage with one of the local higher ups.

I'm bundled up and the temperature around me changes. A fan on one side and the candle on the other. Cool on one side and hot on the other. Just like me.