Confusion

Once upon a time, there was a very confused girl. She felt very alone and wanted the comfort of someone beside her. She thought about this constantly, mainly because it had been so long since she experienced that feeling. In an attempt to numb that need, she puts the physical needs far ahead of the emotional ones though it never helps for long.

The emotional wants always come back. She spends most her days watching her friends and hearing stories about their marriages and children realizing she's being left behind. She's the lone single girl in a sea of married women and their families. Its making her biological tick much louder than it should at this age, considering she's no where near ready for children.

Suddenly, she notices this boy. It begins as something silly, then grows slightly. She finds him absolutely adorable and wishes he would notice her in a way that's less than platonic. She talks to him a lot and really enjoys his friendship. She tortures herself over this infatuation because she knows it would never work between them.

There's this other boy, who's been mentioned here before, who also caught her eye. He still jokes around and flirts with her and she enjoys it. One night he asks her what she is doing after work and they go to a local fast food place for dinner, since that is the only place open at that time of night. Both are exhausted so the outing is boring and low key. A week later, this girl asks if he wants to try again.

She goes to the store near by to shop while waiting and gets his number from another coworker whom she's avoiding. After a quick dinner, they sit in their cars talking. After moving to another location, they continue talking. She may have slipped that she had a crush on him. They talk for nearly an hour before retiring to their homes.

This girl has officially decided she was in denial about liking this boy. He's three years younger than her and a coworker, so it's all kinds of horrible in the making. Hence making her very confused. And the lack of blogging in the past week.

I've been horrible this week. I've been working and had horrible writer's block. I've had so much swimming around in my head that I haven't been able to put it into coherent sentences. I suck.

Final NDE & Aren't You Pretty?

Today is the conclusion of my series about near death experiences. I wanted to save this one for last for two reasons. Firstly, I love Jamie's face. He is my gaybe (gay babe), my love, one of my closer bloggie friends. Jamie is simply amazing and always knows how to cheer me up when I'm having a rough time. Even when we had our fake fight, we got closer. Seriously, this boy has major real estate in my heart. And to stop this ranting... Secondly, it's a funny one liner meant to left everyone's spirits. 




* I once had a nine inch bone stuck in my throat, but then he took it out. *


See, I told you. Awesome. =]


So quick recap on nothingness. Dyed my hair. Don't worry, it's only sightly darker and hardly noticeable. Only something to cover the greys and therefore the proof I'm getting old. 


I got my big girl license! I will no longer be eyed suspiciously when buying alcohol with a minor's id that has a sixteen picture of me that barely passes for twelve. It's pretty exciting stuff considering it means that after a year, I am officially a resident of the state of North Carolina. I even got a fancy organ donor heart.


I decided I'm retarded and can't read. I've been freaking out for the last two weeks because I thought my car's registration expired this past Monday and have been running all over creation attempting to get it inspected. Luckily Momz is smarter than me and realized it expires September so I'll be able to get everything in my name afterall.


And I guess the feather in my cap later is all the flirtatious remarks I've been getting. I'm actually feeling attractive and I'm enjoying it. Granted none of the flirters are exactly relationship or even hook up worthy, but hey. The ego boost is something.

Cars NDE

Continuing my series, we have been graced with awesomeness. The lovely Tabs from Geeky, Ambiguous Me. She's just about one of my favorite bloggies ever, along with my favorite person from that distant country from the north where hockey and maple syrup rein supreme. I'm talking about Canada for those who don't catch my drift... She's also a writer with me on Belly Lint, which we need to use more. Oops. But anywho, I pretty much insist you check her out because you will totally fall into platonic love with her just as I have.

They say that in those short moments of a near death experience, time slows down and your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, I’m not sure who “they” are, but they have obviously never had one of those near death experiences.

I’ve been through two of them, and I can assure you, if you’re lucky enough to have any time at all to process what is going on, it is typically the sudden realization that death may be imminent in that moment. It’s the understanding that in a split second, everything will change.

For me, these experiences have solidified my belief in God and given me a stronger resolve to be a better Christian.

The first experience left me far more terrified in that moment than the second one. I attribute it to the fact that by the second one, I had a vague idea of what was going on.

The first occurred three years ago. I had only been driving regularly for about 8 months by that point, and it was my first winter driving. It was the eve before New Year’s Eve in 2008, and at the time I was still living/working at the Christian Camp just outside of town. My sister had picked me up for a coffee date, and was letting me borrow her car so that I could drive in to my third job after serving breakfast in the morning.

Motorcycle NDE

Today's story was generously given to me by Andrea from life is a science experiment. She was in a horrific motorcycle accident and has now began to write a novel about her experience. The novel is titled Jerod's America, and this is an excerpt from Chapter 7.

The front of Jerod’s bike was no longer in the shape of a motorcycle and Jerod’s body was no longer on the bike.
All he saw was a combination of sky and concrete.  He could hear expounded noises as his breath was being violently beaten out of him as he rolled over the car.
He wasn’t quite sure what was happening next, because he was neither rolling nor stopping.  He was restrained in a strangle hold of air.
There was a long time before he actually landed.  During this time it almost felt beautiful to be suspended in air with not a thought on his mind.  Absolutely empty.
Until it ended.
He landed on his head under a parked car.  His body wanted to continue sliding, but his helmet stopped him by way of the chinstrap, which was now robbing his breath.
It was surreal.  Once he landed the beauty was stripped away and all he could see was the underbelly of a car.
Jerod took stock of the unusual situation, and tried to make sense of what was happening in this nightmare.
He wiggled his toes and his fingers.
Check!
Working!
And now he decided to stay put until someone else moved him.  Judging from the pain he felt in his neck, he knew better than to move himself in any way.
From the bottom of the car, all he could see now were feet.  Big, small, running, stopping, shifting, leaving, more coming…
Feet.
His world was now reduced to the mechanics daily eye view of a vehicle and curious feet coming to see the train wreck.
An angel appeared.  She stroked his back.  She told him to keep breathing and that help was on its way.
“Help is coming,” she reconfirmed.  “If you can just keep breathing you’re going to do well.  Here, I’ll open the front of your helmet to give you more air.”
An overwhelming muscle spasm began to take over.  Every muscle in his body began to convulse.  He had no control over it.
The angel stroked his back, “Keep breathing you’re doing good.  I can hear the sirens coming now.”
Jerod could also hear another voice, and it was obviously the woman who hit him.
“Oh my God,” Jerod heard through his muted helmet and from her sobbing, shaky tears, “I just didn’t see him there!  I’m just so sorry!  Oh God help him!”
Some of the feet ran to her.  He could hear muffled voices; “You’re not going to help him by being hysterical.  It’s only going to scare him.”
His angel said, “They’re here now buddy.  You’re doing really well.  I’m going to let them take over now ok?”
Jerod wanted to say thank you and hold his angel, but she left.  She was gone.  His fear became even more impassioned.
Shaking.
Hyperventilating.
Some very large voice came from behind him, “Sir, we’re here to help you, please don’t move.  You’ve been thrown 15 feet and you have landed on your head.”  That was all it took for Jerod to officially go into shock.  “Sir can you tell me where you hurt?”
Through his shaking voice and short breath, he tried to say, “My neck!”  The chinstrap would not allow him to talk.  The paramedics began to speak about removing his helmet.
“Sir, we need you to stay very still and we’re going to remove your helmet.”
Jerod did his best to stay still, but his convulsing muscles were just too strong to take charge of.  He couldn’t stop it.
When they finally removed his helmet, they asked again, “Sir can you tell me what hurts?”
Stifled through his shaking jaw, Jared jerked out, “M-m-my n-n-neck, m-m-my wrist…”
“Ok.  We’re going to move you on to a board, but we need you to be very still and let us do all the work.  Are you ready?”
“Ya.”
From behind him he could hear more than one take-charge voice. One voice asked him many questions and he knew it was to find out if he was still using his mind to it’s full potential, but it seemed almost annoying.  He just wanted the shaking to stop and really, he felt he was fine.  There was a lot of talking about who gets to watch the left arm with the damaged wrist, counting to roll him over on to the backboard, somebody holding his neck, head and all kinds of previously practiced routines that these professionals went through on a daily basis, making it really feel like just another day on the job.
As he was rolled, he could see four faces peering down at him with restrained panic in their eyes.  From that point forth it was a blur of scissors cutting his double layer of jackets off, including that brand new heated one he just bought.  They cut his gloves, cut up his shirt left shirtsleeve and began to lift him up onto the stretcher.
Oh, the loss of his brand new jacket.  Now his gloves.  Gone.  And what about his bike?  Where is his bike?
No more feet.  Now it was all faces.  Strangely enough, there was no sound amongst the chatter.
Deafeningly loud silence.
When he was moving and rolling, he wanted to just tell everyone he was fine I can just walk to the ambulance.  I’m fine.  You’re really all making way too much of this.
There was a dark part of him that knew he wasn’t fine.
This was the part where his neck shot bullets through his head.  The part where his limbs were numb.  The part where his muscles were convulsing and his lungs were hyperventilating.
But otherwise, “You’re all making too much of a fuss over this,” was all he wanted to say.

Crash NDE

In keeping with the guest post swing of things, I have some hot news. I had a piece published yesterday on someone else's blog. Yes, I was a guest writer. My piece, Letter to a Ghost, that I wrote about my absent father a few weeks back is now up on the Guest Writer Blog but you can find the original post here. His intro for me was simply amazing. But on to the main point...

Today we have the lovely Nyx from Notions. She's awesome, I love her, you'll think she's awesome, you'll love her. I mean, who doesn't love cat pictures, blogger going ons, and just random trains of thought. Me and Nyx, yeah we're pretty tight bloggie friends. So check out her bloggity blog and show her the glowing love that's just tugging at your heart strings. But, without further rambling, here is her story.

As the smell of gunpowder invaded my nostrils, I realized that I was no longer driving down Rt. 72.

Nope.  I was in a tree.

A big, fat, old gnarled tree.  One that, for some inexplicable reason, my car had wrapped itself around.  I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how.  All I knew that I had been driving down the road, singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs, and then suddenly…tree.

I stared around the interior of my car.  Both airbags had deployed, and a spider crack stretched its way across my windshield, almost as though it were reaching for me.   My hands fumbled for the door handle – I remember that it felt cool to the touch; I remember shoving against the door and feeling it creak its way open.  I could barely catch my breath as I saw the state my car – my beloved silver Sebring – was in.  Its hood was crumpled like silver tissue paper, tree branches jutted out from every angle, and its tires hung sadly from bent and broken rims.  I glimpsed towards the road – there were people there, shouting.

I stumbled my way towards them.  I walked, tripped through the carnage my car had left in its wake.  Stumbled through a ditch, and then finally I was with the bystanders.

“Don’t worry, we called 911.  Are you hurt?  You should lay down.”  The words infiltrated my brain – almost in slow-motion.  I remember telling whoever it was that I’m fine, that I don’t need to lay down, thank you very much for your concern.

I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket – It remained unscathed.  Fingers shaking, I dialed my father.

“Hello?”  I almost broke down right there, in front of all the people who had stopped, when I heard his voice on the other end.

“Dad.  I have a bit of a problem.  I had a bit of a car crash.”  I could hear him mutter an explicative, heard my mother question what was wrong.  They had been out to dinner with their friend.  Well.  Shit.

Disney KROD

It's that time again! It was Disney songs this time around so I chose Reflections from Mulan. I know the video is pretty crappy, I couldn't find my camera and was forced to use my phone. But you can hear me!

Drowning NDE

I'm officially kicking off my guest post series that I put into the making about three weeks ago. I was almost in a car accident and it got me thinking about near death experiences and how they affect our lives after the fact. Oh, and for future reference NDE = Near Death Experience.


This section of my Near Death Experince Series was given to me by Lauren.

Hello, I'm Lozzz123 from Science, Spouses & Silliness. Jess has kindly invited me to do a guest post on her blog about my near-death experience. As you can tell from the title of my blog, I don't often talk about non-silly things, so we'll see how this goes. 

This all occurred November 2002, when I was 17. We had just finished high school, so some friends and I decided to head off to the beach to celebrate (I live in Sydney, Australia so it was quite warm in November). There were six of us, three girls and three boys. We all excitedly jumped in the water, and things took a turn for the worse extremely quickly. There must have been a huge rip in the water that we didn't see, and we all suddenly got swept off in very different directions. One second I was standing next to my friend, and the next I was unable to see anyone and could no longer find the ground. The waves became extremely powerful and kept forcing me under the water. I was then swept over to some rocks that were under the water which seemed to have massive pits that were even deeper. Now not only when the waves knocked me under the water I had to swim to the surface, but I had to drag myself out of these holes as well. Breathing was starting to become a problem, as I was progressively spending a lot more time under the water than above it. It was all I could do to get my head above water each time; I was not able to think clearly enough to work out how I could get away from this situation. My body was getting flung around like a rag doll. I heard some concerning crackling noises in my back and neck, but I didn't have time to think about whether I'd been injured. 

I have no idea how long I was out there, but after coming up yet again just to cough up water and get a miniscule gulp of air and see the next wave about to pummel me I started to get tired - really tired. I stopped being scared and a strange calm feeling started to wash over me. Looking back now, this was the scariest part, because it was then that I started thinking things like "I'm really not going to be able to do this much longer. I can barely breathe and I don't have the energy to keep getting back up to the surface. Is there really much point in trying anymore?". It felt like it would be nice just to drift off to sleep. I was seriously about to give up and I was ok with that. 

[source]

What happened next, is to me proof that God was watching over us that day. Although I'd been far away from my friends and hadn't been able to see them at all, I caught a split second glimpse of one of them raising their hand in the air. Stupidly, I'd completely forgotten that if you put your hand up and lifesavers can see you, they'll come get you! I shoved my hand in the air, and suddenly got my energy back to keep swimming back up to the surface several more times until I could get rescued. The lifesaver pulled me onto the board and brought me back to the shore. I was so shocked I don't think I even got to say thankyou. The two other girls were there and we just were crying and hugging each other in disbelief. It was then that we realised that the boys were still missing. Two eventually emerged from the water, equally as bewildered about what just happened. We started to freak out as our last friend was nowhere to be seen, but thankfully the lifesaver finally pulled him in to safety as well.

The effects of that day still haven't worn off. I did get quite bad whiplash to my neck which still causes me problems, and I haven't been able to go in the water at the beach without feeling panic (and I know a couple of my friends from that day feel the same). It wasn't all bad though. I was so shocked at my willingness to give up (though I think this was probably at least partly due to exhaustion and perhaps oxygen deprivation), and I am determined that if I am in such a situation again I will react differently. It also strengthened my belief in God. Perhaps we never we in any danger that day since there were lifeguards around, but it was a good reminder that He is in control. One other good thing that happened:

Around this time there was a boy I was seeing, but it didn't seem very serious. That day, after I got out of the water safely, all I could think of was seeing him, and being safe in his arms. I was not putting much effort in at this point, letting him do all the contacting, but I messaged him to tell him I missed him and really wanted to see him soon. We got married in October of last year. :)

Drunk, Me That Is OH & Bastards

Oh hi there, I didn't see you. No, I actually did, I promise. I'm just slightly buzzed and I'm pretty sure I'm actually typing with a sort of normalcy. I'm going to pretend I'm not going to ramble and completely butcher this story I'm trying to tell you. It's pretty weird. Like, really. Okay... Let's start shall we?

Okay. So I wrote a little something something about this key player just the other day. It must be like, karma or something that he would try and talk to me. And me just being like FUCKIT talking back. So the dreaded ex fiancee, because I was totes cool and got engaged in high school because I thought it was trueloveforeveryo, facebook messaged me. He even made a point to say he had no motive in talking to me, just wanted to say hi, though he did ever so subtly mention the "wife". Psh, like I need to fricken know about you and your wife. Psh, PSH. That's right, PSH. I barely made coherent sentences then, or now.

But, I flirted with a cute sentry tonight, watched a trash can be whipped out a room, and called ma'am multiple times. Silly Camp Johnson and the silly things you Marines do. OH, and a coworker totes thought I was sixteen. We were talking about the crappy night and I said I just wanted a beer. He agreed and I said I would have to pick some up on the way home because I didn't have any. He's all like, "You can buy beer?" "Um, yeah. I'm 21, almost 22." "You totally look like you're sixteen." *sigh*

I DID buy that beer, well wine cooler, on the way home and split it with Momz because I bought the BIG bottle. We drank and talked and laughed at the cats and now I'm in my room with no pants. I had to punish the cats and lock them in separate bathrooms for being hooligans and knocking things over. Momz just came and let out Dels and he was sitting on the bathmat with the biggest fuck you face ever. Seriously, totes funny. Oh Dels.

Okay. I should go before I type something stupid about how much I wish I was pantsless for a good reason, like for sexy times. But I'm not, I'm just going to go to bed. Like a lameo. Or how a new boy started tonight and his name is Lindsey and how funny I think that is. Okay. Really bed now. I promise. Or at least I promise to end this post here. =]

Being an Adult... I Don't Like It

I was responsible today. It was sort of strange. I woke up before ten, was showered, dressed, and in Jacksonville by 11am. Though I have to admit I was rocking leggings and shorts so short my ass would've been falling out without aforementioned leggings. I went to Mom's insurance company to discuss a liability policy. Sat there for about half an hour before learning I would have to go someone where else. I went and cashed my check, purchasing a fancy card to fix my direct deposit issue. From there it was the second insurance company.

Apparently they boned me. I didn't realize until about an hour ago when Mom was reading through the mountain of papers I got. I was slapped with about 250$ more than necessary and was charged for a debit card that I "didn't need to use, it's only there if I wish." Well, then why did you charge me if I'm most likely not using it? Life insurance, no thanks. Way not to tell me it was optional. I hate insurance companies.

BUT. I got my license transferred. I passed the silly eye test, the permit test, and took my fancy photo. I even took my lip ring out. I mean it's going to be my photo for eight years, unless of course I change states again, I should look like an adult. North Carolina even lets you pick which of four watermarks you want. I choose the lighthouse, obviously. Mom even guessed that would be the one I picked. "Did it remind you of home?" Damn straight it did!

I've decided I don't like being an adult. I really disliked talking about payment plans, accidents, and shelling out money. I would like a little more than a few pieces of paper for 200$, but that might just be me...

Repeating the Motions

This is to help you get into my mindset.

In keeping with my previous posts of substance, I'm still all lovesick without a love interest. My heart is aching to act adorable with someone. I'm not sure how to handle it, I haven't been able to deal with a strong emotion that left me so vulnerable in such a long time. I've perhaps been in real love once in the past three years, since the dreaded ex fiancee.

I feel like I've gone over this story over and over again (I have) and I feel like I'm still dealing with the end results (I am). It's my favorite evil ex story and my most intense. I blame him for most of what I've become, I've written letters I'll never send, I silently curse his name to the night sky when I'm alone and miserable. I hate him more than I've ever hated an individual somedays, while other days it's like he never existed. I gave him everything I had and all I got in return was self hatred, debt, and no college. 

I'm laying here listening to this song on repeat and I can't help but wish I had someone to direct all this aching emotion towards. I long to be in love, yet it scares me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm afraid to go back down the road of depression, self abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I know I've grown stronger since I was nineteen, but I know how easy it is to slip back and that frightens me. 

Wait A Minute...

Yes, the look has changed. I made a new banner and got carried away. It probably sucks, I'll probably change it in a week, but here it is.

These are the banners I've used, opinions?

"Do not judge who I am, accept it.
This is my life, enjoy the stories."

"This is my life
Enjoy the stories"

"The stories of a twentysomething girl trying to find her place."

I just noticed I used the same font for the last two, I must really like that one. XD 

Enjoy your day.