28 July 2011

Where Are You?

I'm laying awake tonight thinking. My mind is racing a thousand miles an hour trying make sense of everything. A million trains of thought but not one fully formed. My heart and brain are sending conflicting messages, forever locked in the battle that neither will ever win. One may gain some footing and think itself the victor, but that's quickly dashed by the next thought. I know what I want, yet I'm not ready for it. I think I've prepared, but it all fails.

What other emotion could cause such an epic war within myself. Why does it seem that one needs this great, powerful feeling to ever find total happiness. Why do we endlessly search for something to make us feel whole. Why is it the thing that makes us the happiest, also cause the greatest hurt. I feel part of myself searching for it while the rest of me is fighting it. Tears come to my eyes when I think about the past. All the faces of those that found my heart and those that crushed it. While I miss the companionship, I don't miss the agony.

I miss the feel of a body beside mine in bed at night. I miss the feel of a hand inside mine. I miss the slow smile that would creep onto my face. I miss the butterflies that never left. I miss knowing I was the one they wanted. I miss these things so much, I occasionally cry silently to myself when I know no one is listening. I shake when I'm upset and long for arms around my body to calm me. Even as I sit here and write this, I'm trying not to cry.

My heart is a fragile thing. It's been broken, beaten, and thrown into a wood chipper. It's been in such a place that it required years to mend. I've had few great loves in my life and each left a lasting mark. Each of their names hit a nerve, trigger the soft spot in my heart. My most recent love, often his face brings about such strong emotions I can't handle it. Either I'm hopelessly happy to speak to him and never want our conversations to end, or I'm so hurt about his rejection that I instantly break down. Part of me still isn't over him, even though it's been a few months. He was the first person I opened up to completely in years and I kind of regret it.

Regardless of everything I just said, I'm waiting for you. My only hope is that I'm ready for you when you come. I don't want to be so afraid of what could be that I turn you away. Maybe you'll be patient. Maybe you'll put up with my manic mood swings of wanting love and being scared. I see myself do it all the time. I'll endlessly flirt with someone and as soon as something of substance threatens to come out, I act like a bitch and bolt. I get emotionally attached to a figment of my imagination that no one could ever possibly live up to. I've had the happy ending countless times in my mind and I'm waiting on the real life situation to happen. Don't let me scare you off.

Please, just brush away the tears when I scream I can't handle it. Hold me in your arms and tell me we're worth it. I just want someone... someone to make me feel important, worthwhile. I've felt so insignificant for so long, I just need to feel like I'm worth the battle. That's probably the reason I fight it so much, I just want someone willing to go through it.


Big a said...

there is someone right for you out there, just waiting to find you jess ... i can promise you this xoxo

Dave said...

Believe it or not, I understand.
Just remember, for every time you get hurt, even though it always feels just as bad as the first time, your heart gets just a little tougher.
Love is never something to be afraid of, even though it feels like that sometimes.
Try not to worry about it. True love is out there somewhere, just waiting for you. Believe it.

Tabs A. Geek said...

<3 I love you so much... you are incredible, and thus I know someone is out there for you. You are beautiful, intelligent, witty and all of that.

You will find that person. And until then, you have us to remind you daily about how amazing you are.

Sweet Southern Pixie ♥ said...

My feelings exactly. You just want to feel like you are worth fighting for, worth waiting for, worth searching for. You are jess.