From Insecure Back to Heartless

Last week was pretty damn strange for me. I decided to let someone in and open up. I went all lame and had feelings for someone. I had feelings for someone for the first time since Isaiah. I went all crazy girl and acted like an insecure little bitch. I'm actually wicked happy it's over.

I met this guy who turned out to be the ex of a girl I used to work with. We really got along but he was so flip floppy about his feelings for me. He claimed to like me, but then made a point to say he didn't want to be serious. He still had all these pictures of his ex all over the house and occasionally still referred to her as his wife. Then he just made me feel like complete and utter shit. So yeah, no thank you. I'm totally over that.

The night he gave me the whole spiel about not being serious, I started seeing other guys again. He saw me making out with another guy that night and still felt the need to question me about it. Now I've just fallen back into the habit of making out with everyone when I'm drinking, which is quite often. Though I can't blame them all on my drunkenness.

I have about an hour to get ready for a first date and I'm sitting here typing away. My hair is going to take the majority of that time. I should probably go, but I'm sure I won't. For some reason my procrastination is over shadowing my excitement to see a good movie. Perhaps I actually have missed sharing all my secrets with all my internet friends.

Fan and a Candle

I'm in bed tonight as my mind circles. I lit a candle so I can watch the flame dance around the issue just as I am. I've been avoiding way too much lately and I still don't feel up to the task of facing it. I'm still a massive fan of ignoring my problems.

I'm lonely tonight, just as I am every night. I pretend I'm not, I pretend I don't care about anything. I am no where near ready or comfortable enough to open my heart back up, even though the ex supposedly has a new girlfriend. He was the first person I had truly loved in years and he ruined everything for me. I don't trust, especially after he cheated. He further proved my self worth and now I'm trying to own it.

I've shut off my heart and all emotions. I refuse to let myself be caught up in commitment and relationships. I get drunk and sleep around. The only connection I'm okay with is the physical. Now when I feel the need to be close to someone, I hit up the bar and find someone willing. It's caused my count to go up a bit, but I was over that a while ago.

I've recently had the marriage conversation with a new friend. I don't think I'm meant for it. I like the idea and would love to be married and have a family one day, I just don't see it happening. I don't see myself ever feeling comfortable enough with a good enough person for it to ever occur. I thought I found the one twice and both times I was used. At this rate the only reason I think I'd become a wife is to enter into a contract marriage with one of the local higher ups.

I'm bundled up and the temperature around me changes. A fan on one side and the candle on the other. Cool on one side and hot on the other. Just like me.

A New Start

There's a lot that happened since I last wrote. I'm not even going to bother to catch everyone up. I'm just going to start back up where I am now. If you're actually curious about what I'm not divulging, simply ask. I'll tell.

As for now, I'm going to attempt to use this to keep myself in check. Trying to cut down on drinking and random hookups. I'm trying to be more responsible, though I don't see any of that actually happening. We'll see how this goes, I sure as hell need an outlet other than getting drunk and acting like a lunatic.

Uncertainty.

I'm writing this purely to waste time before nightfall so no one can see me cry as I walk through the neighborhood. I feel like the majority of the time I've been alone in the last week or two has been filled with depressive thoughts. Perhaps I really am meant to be alone. Perhaps I really am too difficult to be with as I've suspected all along.

As of right now, we're still together. Though I suspect that's only so it can happen face to face. He's unhappy with our relationship. He's taking the weekend to think things over, at my suggestion. Apparently at only three months into our relationship, my bad credit is a huge deal. He thinks I'm avoiding the situation, which to be fair I kind of am. But I am trying in certain areas. I have been applying for better job, cards to repair credit, even trying to contact the company I took my student loan from.

Besides from this one part, he's happy with me. He's said repeatedly how amazing I am to him, even when he's an asshole and doesn't deserve it. I've been trying harder than I have with any other relationship to make this work. I've been suppressing all my more unattractive qualities. I've been more easy going, less jealous, more accepting. I'm honestly completely in love with him and he says he is with me.

I'm supposed to be flying to Minnesota on the sixth to meet the rest of his family. How am I supposed to take a week off with his family if he's just going to end things when we get back? At the end of his drunken rant the other night, he says he's not leaving me because he'd regret it. I'm just hoping he still feels that way when he comes back.

Up Late & Annoyed

I'm awake at 2:25am and I'm annoyed.
I have work at 9am and I cannot sleep because I'm annoyed.
Momz is being super judge-y and annoying me.

Isaiah, the boyfriend, is moving into Nana's house next week when she leaves for the season. Now Momz is all up in my grill about how it's not such a good idea for him to be there. And how that doesn't mean I shouldn't come home. She keeps saying how we don't really know him.

Well, let's see. I understand I've only been with him for a short while, two months today in fact, but that doesn't mean much to me. I am in love with him. I have met his family while I spent Easter weekend with them and will be meeting the rest when I spend a week in Minnesota next month. We talk about everything, including plans to move in together. He wants to now, I told him to wait until end of summer. But if Momz keeps getting on my case, I might just do that earlier than planned.

I want to move in with Isaiah. I can't get enough of spending time with him and love falling asleep and waking up next to him. I feel like I'm finally getting something right. I still a little panicky and nervous sometimes, but that's because this is real and he loves me so passionately. I haven't felt this loved in years. Or wanted. I was just trying to do the right thing and be practical rather than act on my emotions.

Maybe it's a time for a little impulse.

Enter a New Perspective

I look back to my last post and I feel a little uneasy on how lost I felt then. In a few short months I'm in a much better place and feeling much different about myself and life. I'm still slightly unsure on what everything means and where to go from here, but I'm not as petrified anymore. It's all thanks to one major change in my life. I'll try to catch you up as well as I can.

In the weeks that followed that last update of mine, I had ups and downs. I attempted to fill the emotional ache I felt with physical encounters. I made a few new male playmates and toyed with a few of their hearts. I'm not too proud of that, but I was in a low place. Then one night I went to a strip club, my first, with a friend from work. I proceeded to get drunk, invite every guy I was seeing, and hand out as many singles as I could afford. Only one guy showed up and I'm actually pretty happy about that.

His name was Isaiah and we hadn't actually met in person before that night. I was a mess, drunk, and in work clothes, but he took everything in stride. We had a fun time there, changed locales for dinner, then talked and joked and laughed. I felt so immediately close with him. We spent the next few nights with each other driving to different towns and adventuring. He fit in so perfectly with me and was just about as crazy as I am.

We met on Monday, by Friday I knew I wanted him for myself. Even with all my commitment issues and my fear of being confined, I was more afraid to lose him. We spent our first night together, had our first time, and simply enjoyed each other's company into the next day. By the way, waiting a week was pretty good for me, Just saying.

He's an absolute sweetheart and gentleman. Isaiah's about a foot taller than me, a Marine, amazing blue green eyes, cuddler, has about the cutest smile, from Minnesota and genuinely cares about me. I forgot what that felt like. For someone to actually want to see me everyday and miss me when I'm gone. He's patient with me through all my issues and is willing to wait until I'm ready to take the next step. A few weeks in, he told me he loved me. It took me about half an hour to get the courage to say it back and when I did, there were tears in my eyes. I get so paranoid when I open up and make myself vulnerable. But he was so amazing throughout everything.

I still get little twinges of my nerves every once in a while but I much rather deal with that than not having him around. He's making me feel better about myself, considering he calls me beautiful several times a day, and loves all my quirks. I'm trying so hard to make this work. I'm being understanding, open, and non judgmental. Or at least I'm trying to be. This is a relationship I can actually see going somewhere and I'm trying to go against my nature and not mess it up.

Surprisingly, we've already discussed moving in together. At the moment, I still live at home and he lives in the barracks on base. Neither are very ideal places. He's ready to take this major step now, but I'm not so sure about it. We came to the agreement that we'd save up money and if we still want to, we'd find a place at the end of the summer. Though we recently had another opportunity present itself. My nana only lives here part time and has offered her place to him this summer. Of course he wants me there with him. I told him it would be part time for me, but we'll see how that goes.

As for other things going on in my life other than my love life. I had to replace my windshield with money I didn't have after a flying metal object smashed it. Luckily my boss loaned me money to fix it. Who is also giving me a raise, finally, after almost a year of being there. Oh, I should probably mention my hospitalization.

One day at work a little over a month ago, I stayed late to do some extra work. I was slicing cheese and sliced off part of my left pinky with it. I had to get five stitches and miss a few days of work. Those days weren't too shabby. I spent them high off my butt on percocets. Plus I got babied around the house and with the boyfriend. He was pretty damn awesome during that. And during my jaw infection the week prior. Poor guy had to deal with a sickly Jess basically the whole first month of us being together. But the scar on my finger looks like a turtle and we named it Norman.

That, I think pretty much sums it up! Here's to hoping I get back into the habit of writing!

Another Spiral

So here we are. Restriction is over and it seems I've gotten the answer to my worries.

There's been no contact. No phone call, no text returning mine, no meeting. Appears all my fears were well founded and are now confirmed. I've put myself into the exact situation I didn't want to be in. I swore off emotions months ago so I wouldn't have to feel like I do now. But he wore me down and broke through the walls I had up.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, though I'll blame that on the Notebook, listening to depressing country songs, and thinking about everything I did wrong and those I've loved in the past. Granted I'm not in love currently, that's where my mind tends to go. Quite often in fact.

Perhaps I'm thinking over past loves because I've been talking to one recently. He was the last serious relationship I had and apparently I made an impression. We were good for each other and surprisingly I'm a compassionate and considerate girlfriend. But we wanted different things with our lives and it never would have gone further.

Then I think about the last person I fell for, which didn't end well. I suppose that's when my walls began to go up. I fell hard completely only to be crushed. So I don't trust people. Because of him, because of the infamous ex, because of death, because of experience.

I'm fighting the urge to hurt myself. I know where my scalpel is and I want to use it. Not because a boy stood me up. But because of the constant feelings of inadequacy I've had lately. I've been having bouts of depression again. I've been feeling that I'm never going to be good enough or accomplish anything. All I want to do is stay in bed forever and pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it certainly isn't going to miss me.

The screen is beginning to blur more and more as the tears start to fall again. I don't have really anyone to talk to. I have some friends, but no one I could call at 1am and just cry to. I honestly don't think I have anyone that would be there for me through anything. I would be there for them, but probably not for me.

I'm leaving these headphones on and leaving my phone across the room. I'm blocking it all out.

My Inner Turmoil Of The Moment

Well here we are on day 32 of 45 and I'm starting to doubt my decision to go ahead with a relationship. I honestly think I'm too much of an emotional wreck to drag another person that deeply into my world. Over the last couple days I've had these powerful depressive moods where all I want to do is cry and think about how insignificant in the world. I'm beginning to feel as though all the important people in my life are disappearing and I don't seem to be handling that well. I'm still heavily mourning the death of my friend and now the weird emotional attachments to my Marine are starting to feel strange.

In two weeks I might hear from him. I'm afraid I won't, that he forgot about me. On the other hand, I'm kind of hoping he has forgotten about me. It'll save me some emotional turmoil. It'll save me all the effort I'd need to figure out if I'm ready to bring someone in. I miss him more than anything. I love his laugh and his ease at making me laugh. I feel comfortable with him and everything we've done. But love, commitment, long term... Those concepts terrify me. Just thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills and pretend it was never brought up. How I'm to get over this, I suppose time is the only answer. Unless of course someone out there has some secret remedy they could share.

If I pretend I don't have these feelings of longing or romance, if I pretend that I'm not still miserable about death, then I appear happy. I can joke around and flirt with randoms. I can live out my day as though I have no serious concerns or cares. I like that world. The oblivious world I have created for myself. It's rather nice here.

Not Enough Distractions

I'm feeling damn conflicted lately. I'm lonely, angry. I miss Rob. I miss the new boy. But I wish I  didn't miss either. Next week will be three months since the death and I still think of Rob almost daily. It's been about eighteen days since I last saw the boy, who went and got himself on Marine restriction for 45 days.  If we were able to talk, this would be so much easier.

The first night of his restriction, I went to a bar and got trashed. I ended up telling everyone I had a boyfriend and making out with a cowboy whose hat I stole, a chick who wanted to take me home with her boyfriend, and turned down two other offers. It felt pretty damn good. Until I saw that cowboy the following week during work.

Last Monday I went out again all dolled up. Hit on someone else. My god what a prude. I got a hug, kiss on the forehead, and a number. Which he didn't use. It's not like I wanted to fuck the dude. Just make out.
 I just want a little validation since I can't talk to the person I really want to.

I'm still single, but I supposed I'm emotionally taken? I'm not sleeping with anyone because I'm only thinking of one person. Making out and hitting on people is just a distraction from these stronger feelings. I don't like feelings and it's kind of freaking me out. I like him. I haven't seriously wanted to date someone in a long time, even before all the commitment phobe trouble. And now I'm all insecure about being the only one with feelings.

Oh, I also had to take a delivery to Drunk Dick the other day. Awkward much? Ugh.