Enter a New Perspective

I look back to my last post and I feel a little uneasy on how lost I felt then. In a few short months I'm in a much better place and feeling much different about myself and life. I'm still slightly unsure on what everything means and where to go from here, but I'm not as petrified anymore. It's all thanks to one major change in my life. I'll try to catch you up as well as I can.

In the weeks that followed that last update of mine, I had ups and downs. I attempted to fill the emotional ache I felt with physical encounters. I made a few new male playmates and toyed with a few of their hearts. I'm not too proud of that, but I was in a low place. Then one night I went to a strip club, my first, with a friend from work. I proceeded to get drunk, invite every guy I was seeing, and hand out as many singles as I could afford. Only one guy showed up and I'm actually pretty happy about that.

His name was Isaiah and we hadn't actually met in person before that night. I was a mess, drunk, and in work clothes, but he took everything in stride. We had a fun time there, changed locales for dinner, then talked and joked and laughed. I felt so immediately close with him. We spent the next few nights with each other driving to different towns and adventuring. He fit in so perfectly with me and was just about as crazy as I am.

We met on Monday, by Friday I knew I wanted him for myself. Even with all my commitment issues and my fear of being confined, I was more afraid to lose him. We spent our first night together, had our first time, and simply enjoyed each other's company into the next day. By the way, waiting a week was pretty good for me, Just saying.

He's an absolute sweetheart and gentleman. Isaiah's about a foot taller than me, a Marine, amazing blue green eyes, cuddler, has about the cutest smile, from Minnesota and genuinely cares about me. I forgot what that felt like. For someone to actually want to see me everyday and miss me when I'm gone. He's patient with me through all my issues and is willing to wait until I'm ready to take the next step. A few weeks in, he told me he loved me. It took me about half an hour to get the courage to say it back and when I did, there were tears in my eyes. I get so paranoid when I open up and make myself vulnerable. But he was so amazing throughout everything.

I still get little twinges of my nerves every once in a while but I much rather deal with that than not having him around. He's making me feel better about myself, considering he calls me beautiful several times a day, and loves all my quirks. I'm trying so hard to make this work. I'm being understanding, open, and non judgmental. Or at least I'm trying to be. This is a relationship I can actually see going somewhere and I'm trying to go against my nature and not mess it up.

Surprisingly, we've already discussed moving in together. At the moment, I still live at home and he lives in the barracks on base. Neither are very ideal places. He's ready to take this major step now, but I'm not so sure about it. We came to the agreement that we'd save up money and if we still want to, we'd find a place at the end of the summer. Though we recently had another opportunity present itself. My nana only lives here part time and has offered her place to him this summer. Of course he wants me there with him. I told him it would be part time for me, but we'll see how that goes.

As for other things going on in my life other than my love life. I had to replace my windshield with money I didn't have after a flying metal object smashed it. Luckily my boss loaned me money to fix it. Who is also giving me a raise, finally, after almost a year of being there. Oh, I should probably mention my hospitalization.

One day at work a little over a month ago, I stayed late to do some extra work. I was slicing cheese and sliced off part of my left pinky with it. I had to get five stitches and miss a few days of work. Those days weren't too shabby. I spent them high off my butt on percocets. Plus I got babied around the house and with the boyfriend. He was pretty damn awesome during that. And during my jaw infection the week prior. Poor guy had to deal with a sickly Jess basically the whole first month of us being together. But the scar on my finger looks like a turtle and we named it Norman.

That, I think pretty much sums it up! Here's to hoping I get back into the habit of writing!