Drunk Conversations & Flirtations

From last night to tonight, I'm finding humor in the things we say while intoxicated. I may have wrote way too much in my post last night and may have drunkenly attempted to talk to a few people. I don't really regret any of it, but I kind of wish I wasn't so close to my computer during that. Oh well.

Tonight I'm getting drunk texts from a coworker trying to get me to cuddle. Apparently all that side pinching and teasing was flirting. Go figure. Might also explain why he poked my nose in the walk-in yesterday. Hmm... I have to admit it's pretty amusing to read "Oh god I need you I need you now" from someone who've only had passing conversations with. I personally think he's just looking for a rebound since his recent break up, even though he claims that not to be the case.

Part of me really likes the attention considering the major blow my ego took yesterday. It makes me feel attractive and wanted, even if just in the physical sense. Unfortunately for him I need longer than a 24hour grieving period to put the pieces of my heart back together. Also unfortunately for him, I'm not interested in sex. I mean, I was last night but I was upset and on a mission. But now that I'm more in a normal state, it's just not what I want. I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I've been celibate since September. I came close to breaking it back in February, but I don't count a two second penetration. This was my way of delaying my number increasing. So far it's been a little frustrating, but that's what lesbian porn and Fernando are for.

I just wish my stomach would settle. I'm sure it's punishing me for drinking most of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach. Gosh, I always knew my life was charmed.

Lingerie & Wine

Bottle of wine in hand and pantless, I sit here crossed legged on my bed when the clock is about to ring midnight. I wished for 11:11, did you? Was your wish as pointless as mine? It was about the same as always, but with a slight alteration. I've always wished to be in the arms of my beloved, now I wish I could still call him that. I wished I wasn't fighting back tears as I chug this bottle trying to drown the pain. I'm trying to coddle my heart with alcohol. I'm hoping to make it numb, to easily put all my walls back. The walls that had only recently been torn down. It breaks my heart I let my guard down for the first time in years only to have it bite me in the ass.

Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.

I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.

I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.

Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.

Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.

Merry Christmas To All!

1It's finally over and boy am I stuffed! It was a great day overall. I'll recap in a minute. First I'd like to say a few things

I just want to thank all my followers and hope you all had the best day possible. You guys are the reason I do this and I hope we'll keep this up into the New Year. You guys are great, and last of all, Stay Classy San Diego.

Here are some Christmas trees for ya.





Nana's tree



My tree









I Love You Richie Rich!

My lack of posts lately has been because I was away for a Christmasy family getaway to the mountains. It put me in the best Christmas spirit and I sang carols to my family's dismay. Apparently it's an embarassment to be seen with a 21year old girl in a Ravenclaw hat singing Christmas Carols, who knew? It's just everything was decorated up the bum for the holiday and snow was everywhere, it was beautiful. And that's saying something coming from me, I hate snow with a burning passion. We went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina, which is apparently the largest home in the States. I'm talking 8700 acres of land and 4 acres of floor space within the house. Dude wanted a long driveway and got one, 3miles long. He had a pond, lagoon, river, tons of gardens, a farm, and winery. Wine tastings by the way are awesome, my first ever! At least the property was donated and made into the first national park.

Oh, tons of movies have been filmed there, too. Let's talk about Richie Rich. Remember his huge house? That completely awesome one with the large rooms and massive front yard with the cool fountains? Yeah, that was the Biltmore house. I was in Richie's house, go ahead be jealous. I would be. I loved that movie growing up and it blew my world when I was told it was the same house.