09 May 2011

Lingerie & Wine

Bottle of wine in hand and pantless, I sit here crossed legged on my bed when the clock is about to ring midnight. I wished for 11:11, did you? Was your wish as pointless as mine? It was about the same as always, but with a slight alteration. I've always wished to be in the arms of my beloved, now I wish I could still call him that. I wished I wasn't fighting back tears as I chug this bottle trying to drown the pain. I'm trying to coddle my heart with alcohol. I'm hoping to make it numb, to easily put all my walls back. The walls that had only recently been torn down. It breaks my heart I let my guard down for the first time in years only to have it bite me in the ass.

Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.

I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.

I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.

Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.

Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.


StellaCollector said...

S___t Jess I don't know what to say, although I think I understand what you are saying.
Would you knock my block off if I said the proverbial, as intelligent and smart as "he" is...he could be a bit young for you.
He has still not had the life experience that you have, he may not be able to handle the complex character you are.
Of course non of that helps dose it ?
I will be thinking of you because that's all I can do
Good post BTW I can feel the hurt...and I just have to say...MEN !!! when will they bloody learn
Cheers Stacey

ima girl said...

hugs Jess