I've Been Conditioned

I'm probably just being hormonal, which is wicked likely, but I'm fighting back tears. I don't know what it is. Okay, I do but I wish I didn't.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I'm tired of feeling awkward. I'm tired of my feelings not being returned. I'm tired of those I care about being taken away. I'm tired of this stupid muscle in my chest making me a crazy person. I'm tired of my coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms? Drink until I don't care. Ignore emotions until I'm numb. Think with my vag rather than my brain. I've been conditioned to be more comfortable with my tongue down someone's throat than having my heart on my sleeve.

Maybe it was seeing my latest conquest this morning, maybe it was seeing the picture of the person I love, maybe it was the text of the guy I might have a date with, maybe it was all of those or none at all. The most likely explanation is I'm going crazy. Or just lonely. I haven't been held by someone who actually loved me romantically in years. I spend most nights in bed with my heart aching for something in return.

But when you get down to it, I'm a difficult bitch and scare most people off. I tend to be a hate me or love me kind of person when you really get to know me. It's just another way I was conditioned.