100 Deep

Welcome to my 100th post on this little blog of mine. It's taken me almost four years but we did it. I'm not sure how much I accomplished with this but I stuck to it after some coaxing. I started off as an overly emotional teen looking for an outlet and now I'm an emotionally confused young adult trying to figure out life.

If you've ever read my few posts from 2007, you'd know I was a young girl in love that didn't understand why life never went my way. I was with my ex fiancee and so in love, but the warning sides of the crumbling relationship had begun to show. I didn't have much friends, since I wans't exactly allowed them. We fought constantly and I felt worse off with him than I would without me. There were good times, but those were rare and far between. I really wish I had stuck with this, might have helped me out a lot.

Here's some excerpts from the early days.

Mike means everything to me and I'm so happy I have him. He's the best thing I could have ever hoped for. He treats me the way only the most special girls deserve. I'm so happy he's considering going to South Carolina with me. It makes everything so much easier. And he's completely ecsatic about the fact that he now has a job and will have money on a regular basis, a good chunk too. I love him more than anything and I always will. And he claims that he will never find anyone that he loves more than me. Which, is the best thing I have ever heard.

Everything is beginning to fall apart and I no longer know what to do anymore. I feel as if I should question anything and everything that is happening but also feel like I should just cave in. Somehow everything seems to be my fault and I don't do anything. All I do is go to school, work, and hang out with Mike. But yet I'm the cause of everyone's problems. ... It just seems so hard to keep this going when all everyone does is talk about me behind my back spreading all these rumors that aren't true. I'm honestly not sure what he does and does not believe. I think the vision he had of me has changed for the worse and that I'll no longer seem worthy to him in his eyes. It feels so horrible to have no one to talk to anymore. There is no one for me to vent with and I'm forced to keep half of all this to myself. I can't exactly tell him that I feel this way. That would just make me seem insecure and helpless.

I disappeared for three years. Mainly because I forgot about this. I forgot about most anything related to my writing, it was easier that way.

I came back this past December and I've been posting pretty regularly, with the exception of my sans internet days in January. I've blogged about silly topics with the attempt to keep your attention, from zombies to serial killers. When it comes to real topics, there's been everything from loneliness to heartbreak to love. At this point in time I've been overcome with heartbreak and I'm back to the emotionally confused individual you all know and love. Emotions freak me out and I try to keep people at a distance. I blame Mike, I honestly do.

I'm paranoid, untrusting, and the slightest interest in me freaks me out. Take Coworker, we're going on a date tomorrow and I'm freaking. He's completely interested in me and I can't handle the attention. Despite the fact I'm in love with someone else that I can't be with, I just can't get my head around this situation. He's tried putting his arm around me a few times and I shy away. I just act awkward and stare at the ground. I honestly feel bad regardless of the fact I have explained to him multiple times he'll need to be patient with me. But we'll see how it all goes.

Knowing me I'll just bone his brains out and send him on his way. The physical is the only thing I have been able to handle these past few years. But this is me, I can't even begin to hide it.