26 May 2011

Ghosts of Love Past

I'm actually letting myself feel tonight. I'm listening to sad love songs and my heart aches. Aches for those I've loved in the past, the one I still love, the unrequited. I've been numbing myself with so much alcohol and meaningless physical distractions so I could pretend I don't actually feel this way. I hate feeling vulnerable and that's exactly how I feel now.

The first boy to say he loved me? Well he was my first real boyfriend, the one who didn't cheat on me every night. I was fourteen and just coming into this world. He was a month younger, but a school year higher. Silly cut offs that vary by state. It felt incredible to hear someone say those three words. I was still so unsure of myself that I was overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Though first loves and relationships rarely last and this flickered out just a few short months later. We still occasionally talk, but only as acquaintances.

I had three major relationships in high school. Each was increasingly more intense than the prior and each said they loved me. I was engaged to the last, but you all know that story. That relationship has haunted me for the past three years, so I guess I really did love him. Other than those three, another boy claimed to love me but that was a two day relationship. I didn't put much stock into it and I never returned the phrase, slightly unlike me.

I've had a series of short lived relationships since graduation and the word love was thrown around in a lot of them. I pretended to love my rebound from the engagement only to realize he actually repulsed me when I thought through the relationship. I became infatuated with a pathological liar who said he loved me. That was a weird fling, I never was sure of my standing. From there, is the relationship I actually regret ending. I kicked myself for dumping this guy for a while. I loved him and the first time I felt neglected I jumped ship as to not get hurt. Though the breakup caused my Canadian friend to confess his love. He gave up on me and still hasn't spoken to me over this past year.

We're now in March of 2010. I thought I experienced love at first meeting. I immediately felt a connection and had a week long affair before he disappeared forever. I haven't spoken to him since he left, and I have tried. I have spoken to his baby momma who told me to stay away from him. That was a fun conversation. Then the was the guy I was dating when I moved. I'm still not sure if I actually loved him, I believe I did. I killed me when it ended.

And the last person to claim to love me? Well that's the one I'm still in love with, no matter how much I try to pretend I'm not. He's incredible and he should know that by now, I told him enough. I wish there was something that could've made it work, but life has it's own plans sometimes. Life ignores what we want and just goes about its business. Even if he said we were soulmates and that it was all fate, I guess it really wasn't in the end. So now I'm going back to my old ways of numbing everything. I'm drinking a lot again and I'm having stupid hook ups again. I'm putting my heart on the back burner hoping it'll just go cold and letting other inpulses take control. It's getting to the point again that I perfer physical intimacy to emotional. I know how to handle physical, I'm quite good at it. Emotions, now those scare the shit out of me which is why I never wanted to let my guard down for this last. I knew it would end the second I let myself feel anything real.

Out of the twelve men who claimed to romantically love me, I believe in perhaps five. And how many of those did I love in retrospect? I'm thinking three. I said it back to pretty much all of them. I was hoping it'd come true if I said it enough, but that never works. This is when I wish I was with one of my platonic male loves. I have a funny relationship with one, considering we always end up sleeping together, but he is actually one of my closest friends. I was texting him recently, here's a snippet:
Mike: You need to visit, I miss you so much.
Jess: How do you miss me "so much"?
Mike: Idk, I just love you.
Jess: That's why you're part of my family. <3
Mike: lol, that's weird.
Jess: Well you're one of the people I can't live without. Better?
Mike: Yes <3
He makes me melt sometimes, in the way only the very best friends can. I'm much better with platonic love.

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