14 May 2011

I Hate Myself

I'm finally home after two days and I've washed off the scent of regret. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep again tonight or cause another coworker to quit. It's been a tough day to say the least.

I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.

The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.

Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.

Then the wicked awkward moment. He accidently took my movie and had forgotten his hat. He left before we could exchange stuff. He drove back when I was off the clock and we had to have the awkward conversation about last night. I had to explain that I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at himself. I wanted to spare his feelings, but he wouldn't let me. I had to go into detail about how I'm a horrible person and I cried myself to sleep. He made me let him hug me even though I was barely making eye contact during the whole exchange. Ugh.

I hung out at work for a little while after this, but decided not to go out because of the time. I was so happy to have made it through the random down pour and lightning on the way home and finally shower. I wanted to get the smell of him, the night, and regret off myself. I hate everything that happened after dinner and I hate myself. I've already gotten one drunk text from Coworker about how he cares for me, I'm expecting more.

I want to pretend I didn't break my celibacy streak with a random guy while I love someone else. I wish I didn't just go with the way things were going because I was feeling so alone and craved for affection. Heartbreak has always made me do stupid things.


Alfred Welles said...

There's nothing wrong with having sex with someone, even if you don't love them. Don't be so harsh on yourself.

Jess said...

When you're thinking about someone else, it's a little wrong.

ima girl said...

You were lonely forgive yourself :(

I want to get held sometimes maybe that is what you really needed just to be close and be held/cuddled?

Psycho Babbling Basher said...

Jess, just go easy.
You are too smart a girl to go through that visions cycle.
Now that you have washed the stink off your body, chin up.
Heartbreak sucks. Big time.
Your tears do deserve to be given to people who are worth the drop.
You're a great girl, you know that. Don't be too hard on yourself for indiscretions but you gotta move on. Your tears can blur your vision sometimes. I wish you well and a good night sleep.

Psycho Babbling Basher said...

Sorry I meant vicious. My brain is still too dull to say anything or type anything coherent.

jamiessmiles said...

Jess, been there, done that. Nothing wrong with sex. Just remeber you are human and sex is just part of who we are. I think you are fantastic. Don't beat yourself up.