01 May 2011

Hey Fatty, Got Fries With That Shake?

Weight has always been an issue. Most of us see the fat phobia everyday, whether it's directed against you, against someone else, or maybe you're making the comments. I personally have ridden the weight roller coaster my entire life. Though I've never been in the extreme, I still have been on the really thin side and the side where you're slightly embarassed. We do have control over weight. Maybe not over the actual loss, but our mind set about it. We've been conditioned to hate fat, to hate fat people, to hate ourselves if we have that extra pudge around the middle.

Have you ever been called a name, been mooed at? Have you ever counted each day by the number of fat jokes you heard? If you're one of those people who've been thin your whole life, you really won't get it all that much. Yes, you might have a fat friend and you see what they're going through, but it's much, much different when directed at you. I've hated myself, I've had eating disorders on both ends, I've cried myself to sleep. Lots of times I just gave up and accepted it. That right there, is the real problem. We turn into what the world tells us to.

I was a really skinny toddler but somewhere along the way that changed. Something was wrong with the connection between my stomach and my brain and I never quite knew when I was full. Because of this, I did gain the weight. I also had to be put on medication to help correct that, to try to stop the horrible pains I got when I literally couldn't fit another bite. I was the chubby kid. I remember hating swim lessons during summer camp because the kids hated being on the team with the "fat girl". It sucks, it honestly does.

Well after that, I radically lost weight. From elementary to middle school, I was very thin. I still had the fat girl mentality so I wore layers upon layers and always thought down on myself. When boys started asking me out, I always said no immediately, afraid they were playing a joke on me. My own group of friends hated me for being the pretty one. Talk about self loathing and suicidal tendencies. I pretty much stopped eating at that point and walked constantly. It got to the point where I had no fat on my body and I was blacking out constantly.

Since then, my weight was gone up and down like the tides. Believe me, my family loves commenting on it. My mom used to mention at least once a day how fat I was looking. Funny thing is, I have a big family. She just doesn't want me to end up like her. Every once in a while, I still stop eating for days. I even tried the bulimia schtick for a while, drinking ipecac each night after dinner. Being nauseous each night was normal. Lots of times, I hate looking in the mirror. Most times, I don't understand how people could possibly find me attractive. I notice each pound and flab. But what do I do about it? Nothing. I've given up. I keep telling myself I'll start running tomorrow, start working out. And sometimes I do, for a week before I find an excuse to stop.

Mostly I hate the way other people treat overweight people. I remember leaving the mall one night with my best friend and a group of guys yelling at us. Mind you she's bigger than I am but it hurt me just as much. Having a group of strangers yell moo and the oh so original "Tell McDonald's to watch out, fatty's coming!" is humiliating. I was so pissed beyond believe I almost ran them over as I was swearing back something intelligent about their tiny penises. I actually went back into the mall to punch them in the face, but to my dismay I couldn't find them.

The world has such a stigma on the overweight. Yes being overweight causes health problems and all that, but how is that hurting the thin? If I eat myself into oblivion, how is that affecting the skinny person down the street? Oh, they have to look at me. I'm sorry that's offends your eyes so. I'll try harder to not be so disgusting. Honestly, people need to grow up and take responsibilty for the damage they cause. I know I'm angry with the world for many reasons but this might be my biggest, no pun intended.

This rant was brought to you by "To Be Fat Like Me". A Lifetime movie, go figure. But honestly, I recommend it. That movie spoke to my core.


Justina F. Lee said...

Learn to love yourself first, I think that's the first step. You're right, I am not overweight so I'll never be insulted in that way, but I have something called rosacea which is a really horrible skin condition that affects my cheeks, nose, chin and forehead. It's practically cherry red and not in the cute pink way, but in the "uh, why is your face so red?" way...

My insults? "tomato face." yepp.

But despite that, I learned to love myself and I really do! It's not about 'tricking' myself or 'lying' to myself, but I do truly love myself. Because I know I have qualities that other girls don't and that if I believe I can get what I want, I WILL get it.

Love yourself, that is the first step.

dead-girl said...

I hate being called names mostly I get called dumb or stupid. I'm ok if I don't talk in real life and on the internet I am ok if I stay at the coffee shop.

I am glad that you talk to me and I love you and your blog :)

jamiessmiles said...

OMG, you made my heart hurt. I have a girl, she's a little heavy, and she gets made fun of. It breaks my heart when she shakes her head and tells us "don't worry I'm used to it". No one shou dl ever have HAVE to get used to that bullshit. Brilliant post sig. Love ya!

cpsr said...

"I love food and food loves me". We must fall in love with food and food will also love us back. You get what you give.

Loving food isn't just about eating a lot, it's much much more. It is our disconnection with food that causes an imbalance in the body.