Botched Threesome & Bad Decisions

When my weeks on Cape were winding down, my social calender was getting pretty full. Everyone seemed to want to have a least one night with my company before I disappeared into the horizon forever. One night I was at work, I got a text from Bestie telling me I'm picking her up from the mall to hang out that night. Soon after I received this from her phone:

This is Tom. Bring the backpack.

Now I should probably explain the backpack. I had several contraband items in my room, so while packing I put everything that could cause Mom to bite my head off into my backpack. It was quite genius. I'll let you guess it's contents. Don't worry, you'll find out during the story.

As soon as I clocked out, I drove to the mall ten miles down the road to pick up Bestie and Tom. On the way, I was texting my crush at the time, Chuckie, a delightful Brazilian who made me tingly in all the right ways. We drove to my house and I grabbed my backpack and overnight clothes for Bestie and I. While waiting for Chuckie and Gannon, the two had quite a bromance, the three of us went to the grocery store located conveniently behind my house to grab chocolate milk, sprite, and orange juice. Back in my neighborhood, we noticed a few kids drinking and demanded Tom freestyle for them, he was half black and had rhyme. Chuckie and Gannon arrived.

We stopped at a tiny house on the way, where there was no where near enough room to fit eight people. Weed was purchased and we were on our way. Back at the car, I pulled a bowl from my backpack and gave it to Chuckie. Metal bowls are a pain in my ass and an ex left it in my room, had to get rid of it. I got a bacon cheeseburger in return, heaven. The five of us, Chuckie, Gannon, Tom, Bestie, and I, walked the three houses down to Tom's place. We walk into his kitchen to find one of his three room mates and I begin to unload my bar. I immediately pop open a Smirnoff Twisted Apple that I chug while lining the following on the counter: Ice 101; Skyy vodka; Poland Spring Vodka; peppermint schnapps. The guy's just look at me in shock. The second my Smirnoff is gone, I make a very strong screwdriver. The staring continues. I look through my backpack to see if I missed any bottles and discretly tuck my vibrator away. Fernando need not make normal men jealous.

Two screwdrivers in, I make chocolate milk and Ice 101, which is a peppermint schnapps. Mint chocolate milk that gets you drunk? Yes please. Around this time Chuckie and Gannon decided it was time to leave, I wasn't to happy with that. I had been cozying up to Chuckie all night, I was determined to get a kiss. I wrapped my arms around his waist, stood on his feet, I had to be pried off in the end. I sulked as I continued to drink and drunk texted him. He didn't want to mess things up with my "boyfriend", the one that took off on me without saying a word but I still told people I was with. I cleared it up for him, telling him that I wanted his balls. 

Jeans are overrated and that thought was the forefront of my mind. I took my sweats out of the backpack, ducked behind the bar and shouted, "Don't look!" Bestie took my arm and threw me in the bathroom, apparently normal people don't change behind bars. I return to the room with pants to discover a bottle of Kraken rum on the counter. I ignore it and continue drinking schnapps. The four of us start talking about watching a movie but get distracted when Tom runs into his room and comes out with weed and a bowl. Bestie, Tom, and I walk outside and light the bowl. The three of us pass it around, then Bestie pukes. She's out. Tom packs a new one and the two of us smoke that one as well. Gone. A third one is packed with the last of the contraband, I steal it and it's gone in two seconds. Tom is slightly upset but finds it hilarious that I'm so drunk and stoned. 

Back inside the kitchen, I throw off my sweatshirt into the living room. I sit down on the floor against the wall with yet another drink. I eventually end up full out laying on the floor staring at the ceiling. "I'm like, the best person ever. Like in the world." I'm pretty damn full of myself when I'm drunk. Everyone's laughing at me but I don't care because I'm laughing with them. The world is just plain amazing when you're that messed up. I'm getting sleepy, so I get up and walk to Tom's room with my final drink and fall into his bed. He was the only one Bestie and I knew in that house so we were crashing in his room. Five minutes later, Bestie and Tom come in and get into bed with me.

I'm not really in bed. I'm laying across it with my feet hanging off. Tom is next to me with Bestie on the other side. The two of them of talking, then he turns around and kisses me. It's a two second frencher, then he rolls back over and he's kissing her. Few seconds later, his tongue is in my mouth again. Suddenly this feels wrong to me. I stop him and was like, "This isn't happening... I need to pee." Tom, slightly confused, whispers into Bestie's ear, "I thought you two were cool with each other." Um Tom, just because you're best friends doesn't mean you sleep together. Weirdo. I leave the room and wander to the bathroom where I do, in fact, pee. From the bathroom I walk back into the kitchen, I was too freaked out to go back into the room. 

What do I find in the kitchen? Tom's second room mate drinking MY vodka. I tell him it's mine in a huff, so he goes on to tell me all he thought about all day was having a drink and he walks home to booze everywhere.  I tell him, "You took my vodka, I'm taking your bed." He laughs and says, "The day someone kicks me out of my own bed." The first room mate comes back in having heard people and hangs out with us. After a while I look at him and say, "You know, we never watched that movie." He asks if I want to watch one and once I agree we walk upstairs to his bedroom.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Jess, you're a fucking moron, going into some stranger's bedroom. Yep, I'm really that smart. He opens the door and honestly, his room kicks ass. There's a comfy couch in front of a huge tv in one half of the room with his bed and shit on the other half. I park myself on the couch and he sits down on the other end. When I curled up, I'm pretty sure I made him my foot rest. He picked a random movie from his Netflix when I couldn't pick one. I remember the first two minutes, I almost immediately passed out. I wake up the next morning with a pillow beneath my head and tucked in with a comforter. I mentally check my vagina wasn't tampered with and go back to sleep once I summized I wasn't worried. 

A little bit later, a knock wakes both me and room mate, who's name was Fox by the way. He grumpily walks to the door to find Tom and Bestie at the door. They were wondering where I was. I didn't want to move yet so they left and I got comfy again. Looking over at the bed, I noticed Fox had slept on his bare mattress. That kind, kind soul gave me his bedding. And didn't touch me. To this day I think he is the sweetest guy ever.

When I finally left the room, I walked into the kitchen to find the third room mate. Apparently he had heard stories from the night before and asked if that was really had happened. I'm now a novelty to him, but I'm okay with that. Bestie and I pack up our things and walk back to my house. It was only two streets away. On the walk, Bestie yelled at me. I guess Tom whipped out his dick during the night trying to get something going. According to her, he did not get the black dick genes. 

Epic night.