08 April 2011

This Is A Hard One

Here's another spoken word letter. It's a little hard to get out and I won't be surprised if I'm in tears by the end of this post. But it's almost 4am and I need to get something out and it might as well be the worst of my past. Here goes nothing.
It's taken me two years to get to this point, but I'm nowhere near okay. I'm tired of getting yelled at, tired of getting hurt. I hate you for ruining me. I hate you for a lot of things, but mainly that. You did ruin me, whether you think you did or not. You were my love, my life for so long, what did you think would happrn? I stopped writing for so long it hurt, mostly because every line I wrote on the page is filled with the heartbreak you caused me. I was emotionally tortured for a year. All you did was use me for sex. You said you loved me still, got in my pants, and the second it was over, so were we. No wonder I'm so fucked up in that department. You taught me the only way someone would love me was by sleeping with them. The only worthwhile part of me lays in my pants. Most of my relationships, whether they be casual or serious, revolve around sex and I blame you for that. I'm paranoid, untrusting, angry, and it's all your fault. Sometimes I wonder what made us go from happily engaged to you wanting to hurt me so badly. I was in therapy, on antidepressants, hurting myself, seriously considering ending it all. All because of what you did to me. I still cry sometimes, still think about hurting myself. The only difference now is those moments usually include some sort of alcohol to numb myself. It's getting hard to explain away the scars. My actions are getting complicated to explain away. You are so engraved in everything I do, I can't cut it out two years, hell almost three years later. I hate it. I moved five states away and still can't escape you. You like popping up every once in a while to see how I'm doing. I have a feeling it's to make sure I'm still regretting you. I'd never had a single regret in my life and you changed that. I regret you. You took the greatest love of my life, one I wanted until I grew old, and ruined it. Changed it into something so ugly that no one can recognize what it used to be. You manipulated me, tortured me, used me, made me hate so many things. I just want this to fade away. I just want you to let me go. I'm officially begging. Just let me go. 

That. Sucked.

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