27 April 2011

Who Knocked Me Up?

I created an imaginary show as an inside joke for my friends and I, mainly because I've had more than one pregnancy scare in my sexually active past. This story is my favorite. So...

On tonight's episode of Who Knocked Me Up? was it the straightedge boyfriend? Or was it his best friend? Stay tuned to find out...

Once upon a time, Jess met a boy off the internet who seemed absolutely delightful. They lived about twenty miles apart, but the main center of Cape Cod was in the middle creating a mutual hang out. After talking for a little while and sharing random facts about each other, like the fact he was Straightedge and she had snakebites, they agreed to meet for a movie.

Jess went to the mall after work and went to the bookstore since she needed new manga. While looking at manga and texting Straightedge, Jess noticed someone standing behind her. When it began to freak her out, she went to pay at the register. More texting occurred and both came to the realization that it was indeed Straightedge standing behind her and they laughed. They walked to the movies at the other end of the mall, chatting to get over the awkward feelings that lingered from meeting someone you met off the internet.

Once the movie was over, Jess and Straightedge walked to her car and got in because it was freezing. Both sat there talking and eventually made out because that's how Jess rolls. This continued for a few days before Straightedge decided to make it official and asked Jess to be his girlfriend, to which she said yes. They stayed together for a month doing wonderful things like meeting his best friend, who was jealous that Straightedge scored a girl with snakebites, playing intense amounts of ITG and going to his friends house for DP (Dance Party) which was basically a bunch of kids playing ITG in a basement and getting drunk. Jess took Straightedge for camp fire sundaes with her bestie when she was dumped and they both went to gay dances for the fun of it. Jess' family was going out of town for a week, so she invited Straightedge, Bestie, and Best friend over for a party.

Just shy of a month, Straightedge dumped Jess via AIM, three days before Valentine's day. Upset, Jess took Bestie to her cousin's in Brockton and got drunk and imed Straightedge. They went home the next day and decided to have the party anyways just without Straightedge. Armed with copious amounts of booze and mixers, Jess and Bestie got pretty damn drunk and Jess made out with Best friend. The following night, Bestie and Best friend got drunk and Jess still made out with him. Best friend stayed for the next three days and had crazy sex with Jess, introducing her to her more unique fetishes. They kept the relationship secret because of the break up and Bestie liked Best friend. It was broken off about two weeks later.

Around this time Jess realized she was late and began freaking out. Bestie tried to comfort her but to no avail. Jess was worried because she didn't know who could be the father. Was it the sweet Straightedge or the revenge sex with Best friend? She felt like the most horrible person in the world. How was she going to explain to the boys? Straightedge knew they were interested in each other, but he didn't know sex occurred. She could just imagine the conversation, "Oh hey, I'm knocked up and one of you is the father." One week later, Jess got her period. She realized to did the math wrong, she wasn't actually late.

Moral of tonight's episode? If you're going to have revenge sex with your ex's best friend, wear a condom.

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