27 May 2012


I'm writing this purely to waste time before nightfall so no one can see me cry as I walk through the neighborhood. I feel like the majority of the time I've been alone in the last week or two has been filled with depressive thoughts. Perhaps I really am meant to be alone. Perhaps I really am too difficult to be with as I've suspected all along.

As of right now, we're still together. Though I suspect that's only so it can happen face to face. He's unhappy with our relationship. He's taking the weekend to think things over, at my suggestion. Apparently at only three months into our relationship, my bad credit is a huge deal. He thinks I'm avoiding the situation, which to be fair I kind of am. But I am trying in certain areas. I have been applying for better job, cards to repair credit, even trying to contact the company I took my student loan from.

Besides from this one part, he's happy with me. He's said repeatedly how amazing I am to him, even when he's an asshole and doesn't deserve it. I've been trying harder than I have with any other relationship to make this work. I've been suppressing all my more unattractive qualities. I've been more easy going, less jealous, more accepting. I'm honestly completely in love with him and he says he is with me.

I'm supposed to be flying to Minnesota on the sixth to meet the rest of his family. How am I supposed to take a week off with his family if he's just going to end things when we get back? At the end of his drunken rant the other night, he says he's not leaving me because he'd regret it. I'm just hoping he still feels that way when he comes back.

No comments: