28 June 2011

Painful Coping

I've been in one of my moods today. I'm not sure if it's still the stress of this past weekend or if I'm just having another manic moment. I was sitting on my couch today and I just couldn't relax. I was sitting cross legged, back straight, with my hands on my knees, just staring into nothingness. The only things really going through my mind weren't good ones, at all. I just kept itching to get out a knife. It's been a long time since I've gotten the urge to hurt myself and I don't really like it.

I was always a depressed kid. In eighth grade, one of my friends explained cutting to me and for some reason it just made sense. I just started cutting myself and it actually helped. Every time I was upset that year, I'd cut myself and make it better. That caused a blow out with the group of friends I had at the time. They turned me in to the counselor and almost called my mother. I spent a week in the counselor's office explaining why I felt that was the only way to deal with my stress. I stopped for a little while after that, six months a least. Then the next thing happened and I fell back into the pattern.

I had two serious relationships in high school and I always tried to hid it as long as possible. I'm not sure if the first ever knew, or if he did he didn't make too big a deal of it. I think he just tried to make sure I was happy to avoid me hurting myself. Mike, well he knew. He threatened to dump me once or twice because of it. He always considered me pretty damn emo and wouldn't be with someone who hurt themself in such a way. So I did stop, as long as I was with him. I didn't start back up again until spring semester of college. One day things became too much and I took a scalpel to my thigh. I learned a long time ago the wrist just calls attention, I went for easier spots to hide.

Since then, I've tried to fight the urge. Most times I win, but not always. I don't think most people understand the compulsion. Yes, for some people it's just a phase or a cry for attention, but that's not always the case. For me, it was something more. The compulsion isn't just something you can get over, it's something you'll always carry with you. It's the inability to get certain emotions out in a typical or healthy way so you create an outlet. Sometimes I feel a pain so deep in my chest I can't get it out, I don't know why I'm so upset. So I cut myself. I make myself hurt in a more tangible way so I can explain it easier. I know it's not healthy and I've been trying to control it since I was fourteen.

I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this post or what I was trying to explain. But there it is. You've all now become privy to something I've hid for years.


undergraduated said...

I cut from the time I was thirteen on. I only recently stopped completely because my fiance threatened to leave me. He's definitely more important than that, but he doesn't understand. I agree with you that most people don't understand. Any time I am especially upset I feel the urge, and I have to push it away. Since I have learned to cope better my dark moods are few and far between, but when they do come on they are strong and it's hard for me to say no. But I do. Not because I decided that cutting is the wrong thing to do, but because I don't want to lose what I have over it. I was angry at him for asking me to choose, but I know that it's because he doesn't want to see me hurt.

It's easier on them if they can't see it.

Tabs A. Geek said...

I used to be a cutter. It was like therapy for me. When I was in a depressed state, or a massive anxiety attack/episode, I would cut, and everything would go numb. It gave me a way to be able to do things like go to class even when I wasn't in a mental place to do so.

Even when I thought I had gotten past it, when I hit my worst moment, I reverted without even realizing it.

It took getting legit help to get past it.

Love and prayers your way my dear. I know what it's like to have others look the other way, and to not know how to proceed forward. If you ever need to talk, let me know... Ive been through it all and then some.

Just Another Thought Online said...

I was never a cutter, but I have dealt with mental illness on and off for most of my life...so I can understand how you feel unable to control your strong desire to cut.

Please talk to your doctor right away!

This pain doesn't have to last, life can be so much better.