10 June 2011

Operation Distracted Heart

This is now a full fledged mission and I may need help, because frankly, I'm doing an awful job. I still lay awake at night thinking about him. Ugh. I've been having long talks with my best friends hoping to get some insight. My best friends are all in different phases on the love cycle. I have the happily in love commited bestie, the never had a date bestie, and the I'm sick of men and I just want to screw bestie. Every single one of them assures me I'm not going crazy and that it's okay I'm trying to distract myself. Apparently sex is fun so Shane is good to keep, I should give Michael a chance, and Mike Pop is Mike Pop and we all love him regardless. As for Nick... that's where there's different opinions. I'm either to never talk to him again so I can move on or just be friends since I personally hate not having him in my life.

Work today, sucked. I wanted to punch Jeremiah in the face and spit on the mangled remains. He had the nerve to fucking snap at me for doing my job. Thankfully the supervisor was standing right there and snapped at him considering I was doing what I was supposed to. I was more than happy that I had to close so he could go early. I wasn't the only one getting fed up with him. I'm not sure how much more of his attitude I can handle before I snap and beat the shit out of him. He's on probation. I can punch him and he'd go to jail if he hit me back. So very tempting.

To delay going home and sitting here in front of my computer, I went to Shane's. I didn't get off work until 10:30 and he has work in the morning so I couldn't stay long. I went in, took off my shoes, put a condom in my bra, and walked into his room. I took off his shirt between kisses, threw him onto the bed, ripped off his pants. I was kind of on a mission. I didn't want anything on my mind. I took off my clothes until I was standing in front of him in just my sexiest lingerie and smiled before I went down on him, like I said, mission. I tossed him the condom, took off my lingerie, and climbed on top. I'll just say we moved through a few different positions, I was choked, spanked, beaten really. I needed to be abused, I feel like I need to be. And seriously, Shane breaks me. I honestly think he's ripping apart my insides, I end up bleeding slightly each time. I left immediately after I got dressed, out by 11pm.

I'm sure all of you know by now how lucky I am. I'm driving home, pretty damn sore, and screaming songs at the top of my lungs. And which song comes on? This one.
This is the song I dedicated to him, to Nick. Of course the universe made me think of him immediately after doing something so extreme to forget him. I don't know, maybe he was right when he said fate and soul mates. I believed him then and have been trying to prove it wrong since he ended it. All I know is I'm done with the universe trying to keep me miserable. I've been through enough, right?

In further effort to distract myself, I'm not coming home tomorrow night. After work, I'm going over to Andy's for a cook out and drinking until I can't stand. I find myself drinking more and more, the fear of being an alcoholic becoming more possible and likely. Fuck it, at least it'll keep me numb for a while. If Jeremiah's at the party, shit's probably going down. Though no one wants him there so he might not... hopefully. Then I have that date Saturday morning, if I wake up. I have a feeling I might stand him up just because I'll be too drunk to wake up. I'll have to set a shit load of alarms to be sure.


Bellatrix said...

I didn't read all of your last posts about who broke your heart or what happened or why you want to numb something, but I feel I can understand. My bf and I broke up after two years and two months a month ago, and I get fucked up ALOT. Mostly a drug i'm prescribed...haha. But the sex thing... yes, I have w/ 2 people after my true love and broke up but it messes with your head, man. I know it's casual but when you mentioned someone ripping out your insides(or a variation of that), it makes me wonder if sex is the best decision? I actually have gotten really good at not letting this kid I hang out w/ have sex with me, and to be honest, it can be fun...? ;-) I know that sounds crazy. Wish I could help you.

Jess said...

Honestly, it's a long story and I kind of hashed it out with him last night so I'm not really in the mood to discuss more. Just really sucks.

All I know is I'm getting trashed tonight and hopefully I'm not forced to kick a 31 year old's ass. =]

Bellatrix said...

hahah I can drink like a whale but I don't too often.... or there will be blood.
But minor pills, weed, etc. fine

Sorry bout your shit. be careful drink'onnn

Jess said...

It was actually an okay time. I ended up puking my guts out and had an awful hangover this morning, but the night itself was decent. The drama started when I passed out. XD