05 August 2011

Repeating the Motions

This is to help you get into my mindset.

In keeping with my previous posts of substance, I'm still all lovesick without a love interest. My heart is aching to act adorable with someone. I'm not sure how to handle it, I haven't been able to deal with a strong emotion that left me so vulnerable in such a long time. I've perhaps been in real love once in the past three years, since the dreaded ex fiancee.

I feel like I've gone over this story over and over again (I have) and I feel like I'm still dealing with the end results (I am). It's my favorite evil ex story and my most intense. I blame him for most of what I've become, I've written letters I'll never send, I silently curse his name to the night sky when I'm alone and miserable. I hate him more than I've ever hated an individual somedays, while other days it's like he never existed. I gave him everything I had and all I got in return was self hatred, debt, and no college. 

I'm laying here listening to this song on repeat and I can't help but wish I had someone to direct all this aching emotion towards. I long to be in love, yet it scares me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm afraid to go back down the road of depression, self abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I know I've grown stronger since I was nineteen, but I know how easy it is to slip back and that frightens me. 

1 comment:

Kanriah said...

Just be careful not to find someone to love because you want to love rather than because you do love him. If that makes sense. Real healthy love won't make you feel that way (not that I know the back story), it lifts.

I hope things get better soon. Sorry if this is a lame comment, it's me trying to be all caring or something?

Remember, there are many kinds of love, including the kinds you have all around you & don't need to yearn for.