29 May 2007
In Need Of Help.
Everything is beginning to fall apart and I no longer know what to do anymore. I feel as if I should question anything and everything that is happening but also feel like I should just cave in. Somehow everything seems to be my fault and I don't do anything. All I do is go to school, work, and hang out with Mike. But yet I'm the cause of everyone's problems. It's somehow my fault that everyone hates me. Half his friends hate cause I somehow changed him and turned him into the so-called "bitch". And now the person I've known the longest seems to hate me because of this. Saying how she's going to cut him off because he wasn't there for her. It seems like everyone is against me for some reason and I cannot deal with it. As I'm writing this I'm on the verge of tears because I feel like I cannot do anything right and shouldn't bother anymore. I honestly cannot wait until I graduate next year. I need to get away from Cape Cod and these ignorant people. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and I can be who I want to be. Not constantly watching my back just in case I get blamed for something else. I already plan to cut everyone off this summer, with the exception of my boyfriend. But it seems like even he doesn't want to be around me. Lately he's seemed slightly angry and I'm not sure if it's because of me. Part of me thinks it is and I don't know what to do about that. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him after all this and I never want that to happen. It just seems so hard to keep this going when all everyone does is talk about me behind my back spreading all these rumors that aren't true. I'm honestly not sure what he does and does not believe. I think the vision he had of me has changed for the worse and that I'll no longer seem worthy to him in his eyes. It feels so horrible to have no one to talk to anymore. There is no one for me to vent with and I'm forced to keep half of all this to myself. I can't exactly tell him that I feel this way. That would just make me seem insecure and helpless. I need to take some days to myself but I can't do that. I'd miss him too much. I think I should seriously ditch the Cape for awhile but I have no where to go. I hate this place and I cannot stand the majority of the people here. Please take me away from this place someone and help me through all this. I have no idea what to do and I'm losing it.