I'm officially in the anger phase.
I'm mad at Rob. The fucking asshole did it to himself. The accident was his fault. He was speeding in the downpour and hit a sharp curve going too fast. He left his lane and got clipped by a pick up. He
Rob had gotten into a fight that morning with his girlfriend. They broke up because she didn't love him anymore while he was still in love with her. He said he didn't care to live anymore. Well, apparently someone was listening and made it happen. He fucking gave up and stopped fighting to live. She even had the goddamn nerve to show up at the hospital even though no one wanted her there. So fuck you, bitch, I'm blaming this all on you.
I spoke to him the night before this happened. Twelve hours before he was speeding down that road, Rob was talking to me. He said he missed me, he told me his plans to move to the Carolinas to be close to his best friend, my cousin, who had moved to South Carolina. He fucking hit on me. We talked about the time we had tried to go out. Our one date, the time we slept together, joked about it happening it again. Well guess what, asshole? It fucking won't.
I'm officially convinced that he died because of love. I'm going to stay convinced no matter how much anyone tried to prove otherwise, which many attempted earlier. Everything that caused his death started with his broken heart. So fuck love. Fuck relationships.
I'm using this one thing as an excuse to justify my commitment issues. What's the point of a relationship when it just ends in pain and ultimately death? Sorry, but I much rather live and not want to die everyday. I haven't wanted or been able to handle a relationship in a while and at this point, I don't even think I want to deal with a bone buddy. That's too much commitment for me.
I can't deal with anymore personal relationships at this point in time. I'm too angry. I'm angry with just about everything. Love, relationships, commitment, life, people, the world. When I want to punch something or someone everything five minutes, I don't think it's smart to involve people in my life. I can barely feel my hand from punching the ceiling of my car all night.
Love is pointless.
2 comments:
All of those feelings are normal. When my brother killed himself after having a fight with his wife the day he lost his job, I blamed her. I blamed our mom for fucking him up so much. I blamed his dad for getting him into guns and I blamed our small town for eating all of its sons.
I'm not going to tell you how you to feel, but I can say I've felt those things before and I don't feel them now.
In the end it's always pain, you're right. But you've still got the dice. It's your roll, it's your call.
But for me, love and the chance to love are the only things that make all this pain worth it.
Oh, Sig, My heart goes to you. I do not know about losing a friend like that, but I understand anger and blame. Believe it or not it is healthy and shows the love that you had for Rob. Let yourself go through the process. I wish I could say anything to make it better, but all can tell you that if you need to talk you know how you can get a hold of me.
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