07 January 2011

This Is Going to Be Pretty Gross...

I have no water. There is no water in my house. I cannot do any water related activites. This includes everything from cooking to pooping.

Here's what happened. We lost power last night. The whole street was down. Now, I don't know what happened. Either a transformer died or some jackass hit a telephone pole. Regardless of what happened, I lost power. Me losing power means the pump to my well doesn't work. And when you're well pump doesn't work, well you're shit out of luck when it comes to wanting water.

So I woke up this morning, stretched, itched the appropriate body part, and went into the bathroom for my morning pee. Apparently I ate too much last night because I also needed to poop, so I did. I went to flush. Oh no! The toilet won't flush! So there's my poo, just chilling out in the bowl, smirking at how cool it is for beating the system. You disgust me, you insignificant poo. I attempt to wash my hands, but alas, no water there either.

Mom and Brother arrive home shortly after with the bed of her truck filled with buckets of water. I ask what's going on. Water pump needs to be purged, we lost power. Oh goody, now I know I didn't break the bathroom. I've done it before, there was a whole fiasco when the tub wouldn't stop running. I go outside and proceed to help family put ten gallons of water into our pump. It still won't work. Damnit. What if I have to poop again?! Mom leaves to go to work and wishes Brother and I luck in our waterless afternoon.

Later this evening, I drive to Mom's place of work with Brother to deliver another water holding bin to bring home extra water to attempt to purge our water pump. I rush to the bathroom and pee my little heart out. It probably didn't help that I had a cup of soda and a large cappachino while I was there... Oops. Just a little stupdity on my part. I return home when I snuggle up with some Law&Order SVU and spend the rest of my night carefree. Until just half an hour ago....

I had to poop. Desperately. I attempt to flush the tiolet with some water we brought home. Nope, sorry. I refuse to flush because I'm fighting the man. Mom laughs and tells me to dig a hole out back. I snear and go back to my bedroom. I still need to poop. Giving up, I put on some shoes, bundle up in a hoodie, pocket my cell phone, grab some toilet paper, and head out. Now, we have a pretty big backyard, about an acre. But there isn't much cover. I grab a shovel and walk straight back and duck behind a shed. Puppy is backing away because he hears someone outside. I try to ignore him and dig a hole. I'm a shitty laborer, my hole is the tiniest, most pathetic hole you have ever seen. The ground is hard and I'm weak and it was sad.

I squat and do my business. It was quite awkward. For one, it was cold and my bum did not enjoy that. Two, I'm outside. I hate camping for this whole pooping outside thing. I try to bury my poo as best I can, even borrowing some dirt from a nearby dirt pile. When I'm satisfied no one well spy toilet paper poking through the ground, I pick up my phone, toilet paper, and showel and quickly walk away. I give a small pat to Puppy to let him know no one is trying to camp out in our little patch of grass. I go inside and try to pretend I was never outside.

My lesson? When you lose water, lose it in the summer so when you do have to squat over a hole, it's easier to dig and your bum doesn't hate you.

1 comment:

Justina F. Lee said...

Good advice, take care of your bum