Would You Read This If I Said It Was For You?

It's been hard to put words to this page. I've been struggling to come with anything to say that would be worthwhile to you. I don't think you've considered anything I said worthwhile in such a long time, so why would you listen tonight?

Talking to you is often exactly like talking to a wall. Nothing that comes from my mouth ever reaches those ears. I speak but you don't listen. I've been talking to deaf ears for years, so why would you acknowledge me tonight?

I've often felt invisible in front of you. I have done more than I can remember to make you notice me, though you've never seen me. I could be screaming and on fire before your eyes but you'd look right through me. I've been fighting your attention for longer than I care to remember, so why would I continue to try?

I've been here. I've been talking, breathing, living. My every move has been for you and I've never gotten a thing in return. Perhaps this is what it feels like to realize it all meant nothing. Maybe this is what it feels like to realize I meant nothing.

In the end, this is what it feels like to realize my life is nothing.

Where Are You?

I'm laying awake tonight thinking. My mind is racing a thousand miles an hour trying make sense of everything. A million trains of thought but not one fully formed. My heart and brain are sending conflicting messages, forever locked in the battle that neither will ever win. One may gain some footing and think itself the victor, but that's quickly dashed by the next thought. I know what I want, yet I'm not ready for it. I think I've prepared, but it all fails.

What other emotion could cause such an epic war within myself. Why does it seem that one needs this great, powerful feeling to ever find total happiness. Why do we endlessly search for something to make us feel whole. Why is it the thing that makes us the happiest, also cause the greatest hurt. I feel part of myself searching for it while the rest of me is fighting it. Tears come to my eyes when I think about the past. All the faces of those that found my heart and those that crushed it. While I miss the companionship, I don't miss the agony.

I miss the feel of a body beside mine in bed at night. I miss the feel of a hand inside mine. I miss the slow smile that would creep onto my face. I miss the butterflies that never left. I miss knowing I was the one they wanted. I miss these things so much, I occasionally cry silently to myself when I know no one is listening. I shake when I'm upset and long for arms around my body to calm me. Even as I sit here and write this, I'm trying not to cry.

Letter to a Ghost

I'm not exactly sure why I'm thinking of you. I know you cross my mind from time to time, but it was never exactly deserved. You were barely a part of my life. You were there briefly at the beginning of my life and I say briefly because I doubt your state of sobriety for those two years. You did see me once or twice while I was still young enough to show any sort of affection towards you, that is if I remembered you. I remember running away to live with you when I was about six. I packed up a little plastic lunch box with a snack and a picture of the two of us. I only made it down the street before I realized I didn't know where you were.

One day in June when I was fifteen, there was a knock at the door. I answered it and saw this strange man standing in front of me. You said hello to me and introduced yourself when you saw the confused look on my face. I didn't believe it was you, back after all these years to see me. You took Brother and I for pizza and talked on and on about the dogs you rescued and I talked on and on about how Mom was there. I was angry that you took in strange dogs and loved them when you didn't love me. I look like you and you were happy to mention it. I've always looked like your family and I've always hated it. I hated looking in the mirror and realizing all the differences in me, knowing who they came from. I looked like the odd one out because the person I resembled was the person who left. Brother and I didn't make an effort with you. We were angry that you abandoned us and you turned around and did it again because we didn't immediately embrace you in loving arms.

It wasn't until October of the year I was nineteen that I received a phone call telling me of your death. I wasn't sure on how to react. Apparently you had died in June and we were only just notified because of the lack of presence you had in our lives. At first I didn't know how to react, how to feel regarding this news. I mean, I barely knew you. You were just a name, a picture, nothing to me. You gave me much of my physical characteristics and many personality traits as I'm learning, but that's about it. You were just the other half that made up my genetic material. I felt nothing from your death and that's what worried me. I felt horrible I didn't care. I knew I should, you died and you were a part of me, but I just didn't care. Nothing in my world would change.

You were a drug addict, an alcoholic, an overall bad person. From the two years you were in my life, I still hold the evidence. I have the scars, the skull indentations, the lasting influences. Mother barely drinks and you drank like a fish. I'm starting to notice how much I enjoy drinking, how much I like the buzz. I'm afraid I'll turn into you. Most of the time I can push that thought out of my mind, but it likes to creep in time to time. I'm afraid I'll be a strung out loser like you and just blame my genes to give myself an easy scapegoat. Whenever I feel myself start to slowly slip into the downward spiral, I hear myself blaming you. It's too easy to blame genetics and childhood conditioning.

I don't know why I'm thinking of you. Although you are a part of me, you weren't a part of my life. But I feel like you made sure I would always remember. I look at the scar on my foot, the scar you caused, and think of you. You put a two year old on a motorcycle bare foot. I burnt my whole foot on the exhaust and instead of cleaning it, you put a sock on it. Do you remember, or were you too wasted? I feel the dents on the right side on my head and think of you. Do you remember how I got these perfect corners in my skull, or were you too stoned? I look at the few photos left of you and me together. Do you remember being happy with us, or were the drugs too important? Sometimes I'm glad you're gone, at least I wouldn't go through more abuse.

Random Mishmash

I haven't exactly posted anything of substance lately. I've been busy with work and just plain lazy honestly. So this is to catch up on things I haven't mentioned.

Posting about my epic tips was bad karma. The next day I barely made enough to cover gas. Damn.

Jeremiah quit. Oh fucking happy day.

I'm still attempting a guest posting series about near death experiences. But, I've only gotten two so far, three if you count my silly one from Jamie, and I don't consider that enough. So I'm still waiting slash looking for more.

I got a ticket yesterday. For a rolling stop. What the fudge you goddamn statie. I could see, no one was there, you're just trying to make your quota because the end of the month is coming. It's 50$ fine. Plus, in North Carolina they charge you for a court date even if you don't go, which is 170$. Both my car and insurance was in my uncle's name and it needs to be renewed soon. I have a feeling he'll be dropping me like a hot potato and I'll have to spend a bajillion dollars to get everything in my name. UGH.

I want to rip out my uterus, throw it into a wood chipper, and promptly never think of it again. Ever. It is simply far too much pain and trouble than it's worth.

Dels and Blinkin

Watch and aww.

Dels wants you to think he hate Blinkin, but we know better.

The Purse

So I was reading Miss Bagle's latest post and it was about the contents of her purse, so I decided to join in the fun. Especially since I bought a new purse yesterday and think it's so pretty. Isn't it? All sleek and shiny. =]

So without further ado, here's the innards of my purse! Though it's walletless because I just noticed my wallet on the floor, and I'm not taking a new picture. XD

1. Book

Most of the time, I have a book chilling out in my purse for moments of boredom or downtime. Right now it's Kissing Vanessa by Simon Cheshire that I threw into my purse on my way to the laundromat.

2. Keys

This is the obvious one. With my wonderful Fred ear and my Fuck keychain.

3. Planner and pen

I just recently found this among the mess of my room. My planner never leaves my purse, but one night it fell out never to be seen again, or so I thought. This is probably why I haven't been able to get my schedule right in a month and constantly showing up early.

4. Hand sanitizer

I'm a hand sanitizer nut. I have both a spray and gel, for whichever mood I'm in. I hate feeling like I'm going to catch a whole bunch of gross sicky germs. Plus, it comes in handy when public bathrooms run out of soap.

5. Lip products

I currently have Burt's Bee lip balm, Blistex lip balm, and Rimmel Dreamy lipstick for when I'm feeling fancy. Normally my Burt's Bees is all I need, but for some reason this spring my lips got chapped beyond belief. It was their first time revolting against me so I brought out the heavy guns and bought some medicated Blistex. Take that!

6. Excedrin

I get awful cramps during that special time of the month and I'm prone to tension headaches. So I carry around this teeny bottle of Max Strength Excedrin because it's the only thing that seems to work for me.

7. Phone

I have a Samsung Comeback for the time being. It's wonderful for the main reason of having a full keyboard for faster texting and a media player with decent speakers.

8. Hemp pouch

This is where I keep my secret things. I always keep a few lady products for those oops moments where I space and forget. For some reason I have condoms, mainly from wishful thinking about a party this past weekend. And my rape stone. I went to college in Salem, MA where this is a heavy Wicca influence. This stone, if you have belief in such things, will help protect you against personal attacks such as rape, and also helps with depression and suicide. I normally have a fresh pair of undies in there, too. But it looks like I used them last month and didn't replace them. Oops.

9. Gum

Now, I normally don't enjoy gum. But I have learned to keep some in my purse because many foods I eat are prone to give you stinky breath. You wouldn't want to talk to me with onion breath, ick. Plus, with my smoking, sometimes it's just nice manners.

10. Blacks and lighter

Yes, yes, I know. Smoking is bad for you and baby cigars are worse. But I like the way they taste and I enjoy smoking them. I only smoke the wine flavor and prefer wood tip, it leaves the wonderful taste on your lips and just a overall better taste than plastic.

This is where you pretend I included my wallet and you marvel in its Jack Skeleton wonder. It's currently stuffed with about twenty dollars in ones due to tips and a bunch of memberships cards for places I barely go.

So that's about it. Besides the occasional camera, snack, or soda, that's what tends to live in my purse! Your turn. =D

Workin' It

Sometimes, I really love my work uniform and the fact my boss tries to pimp us all out.

Background: My boss is a retired Marine and a bit of a creeper. He caters to Marines (and his own viewing pleasure) by hiring attractive girls and shoving them into low cut shirts and allowing them to wear short shorts.

I had fun taking awesome, dark, cell phone in the mirror pictures for you. I put my shirt back on for you, feel special. Though, you can't see the boxers I'm wearing.

See, low cut. Yes, that is my lacy adorable bra peeking out in the photo on the right. And yep, my room is pretty damn messy, though I do have that kickass Victoria Frances (the site's in Spanish, oops) poster on the wall.

Most nights, I make major tips and it's pretty damn awesome. You flirt a little, your cleavage is all in the atmosphere and BOOM 5$ tip. I walked out of work with close to 70$ tonight and it made me pretty damn happy, considering it was only five hours worth of deliveries. Sometimes it helps to have a nice rack.

A Cloudy Sky in the Sunshine

I've been in a wicked good mood since my accident. I have had the surrounding aura of "ohemgee, I'm so happy to be alive everything is so shiny and pretty and I'm never going to be sad again!" I've be able to find the good in everything and haven't stopped smiling at the beauty that is life. This, unfortunately, was slightly deflated over the weekend with drunken crying and stolen money.

I made plans with Erika to go to her party Saturday night and was pretty damn excited. I love that girl, she's one of the few people I thoroughly enjoy spending time with at/from work. I was scheduled to work until 8pm that day and her close, which could be midnight for all we knew. Surprisingly I got off at 6 and drove home bearing calzones for the family to waste a few hours. Thinking the liquor store closed at 10pm, I left home a little after 9. Sadly, it closed at 9 and I was stuck going to WalMart for some champagne when I wanted rum. I ordered a sub at work waiting for Erika and Tj stole me to buy him beer.

Erika finally got off, even though it was still early and only around 10pm. Some of her friends followed us to her house and let the party begin! It started off slow but was fun. We drank some, danced some, drank some more. I saw a few girls pee and a few saw me. I grinded with multiple females, danced with apple pie, and was almost pimped. *I wanted to make out with someone, Erika's boyfriend Tiger was trying to get a supposedly hot block coworker to come for me because he wanted to fuck someone. Tiger tried showing me he treated his girls great and starting waving money. I had about 500$ stuffed in my bra at one point.*

Love Life

Today was a great day. I'm still basking in the absolute wonder of being alive, I'm finding good in everything. I spent most of my morning on the phone with my bestie catching up on everything, I love that girl so much. I helped my family out with some living room arrangement shizz.

Work, I showed up an hour early but that just meant I had time for coffee. I was meant to be inside tonight, but was thrown on the road. My first run was to the cute Marines I was flirting with all last week. We joked that I was their personal driver and how I'm their favorite. Another person gave me a 10$ and yet another called me beautiful. 45$ on top of my paycheck is pretty awesome.

I'm so excited with everything. =D
PS, check out my new blog. 365 Reasons Why

Sing It KROD Style!

This is my first go at this Karaoke Ring Of Death coolness. My video is over on Dave's page if you feel the need to laugh at my extreme awkwardness of being sober and singing on camera like that's what normal people do.

Me, I also get to bask in awesomeness of this girl right here, Jes. She makes me laugh like no tomorrow and I'm sure you'll all love her as much as I do. =D

hey y'all this is Jes (one less s than my beautiful hostess) and my
blog is Jes Getting Started as if y'all didn't know. I mean I am tied
as karaoke queen with Tsa so I am pretty famous in this ring of
karaoke goodness. This month was probably one of my favorites because
well cover songs are totally my cup of tea. And I am about to admit
something, I am a Gleek. That's right I love Glee. Glee is a hot bed
of cover songs clearly so I had a million to pick from but y'all
really lucked out when I found out one of my favorite songs, which was
covered by This skinny cow I can't stand on Glee, just so happened to
be a cover song in it's own right. Holy run on sentence!

Anyway.

Make sure you head on over to my blog to check out Shannon! And if you
haven't already make sure you check out Karaoke Ring of Death of
Facebook and like us so you are in the know for all things karaoke!

I Almost Died Today

Today started off as a shitstorm in the form of Luna. I walked out to my car this morning and discovered the can of soda I had forgotten about wanted to make its presence known and exploded all over the inside of my car. While grumbling loudly, I found out I also had a flat tire. Luna just wanted to shit all over the place today. I quickly wiped out the inside and pumped up my tire so I could get on my way.

Work was slow as balls, except for one lunch rush. Steve, my boss, was feeling extra nice today so he bought Sam and I ice cream from the DQ down the street. I got decent tips for the three or four deliveries I took, so I was in a good mood despite the awful start to my day.

I'm driving home, it's a 22mile stretch so I have a while to go. About three miles down the road, my car swerves to the right. One tire is on the grass and I pull my car to the left to get back on the road. This causes everything to lock up on me and I spin. I'm going down the highway going a little over 60mph, and I'm spinning. Well, one spin but still. I ended up on the side of the road, with one tire in the gully. As soon as I stopped, I jumped out to inspect everything.

Guest Posts

So I've been thinking about getting into the guest blogging game for a while. And now I'm all game for it. I want someone else writing on this blog!

So get at me if you'd like to write something. Dating failures, sex stories, drunk antics... just something awesome!

Either comment or email me.

Have a good day. =]

Busted Circadian Rhythms & Whore Delights

I'm delaying getting ready for work. I'm practically a zombie. My stupidity and my busted circadian rhythm wouldn't let me sleep until four hours ago. My schedule went all wacky this weekend and I ended up getting roped into working this morning.

My mood has been all crazy lately. It's been a rollercoaster. I was pissy yesterday morning due to a friend, but then surprisingly okay as the day wore on. But then I got to work and found out Melvin is now out of jail and he never let me know, like I asked him to. So I immediately texted, still haven't gotten an answer. That put me in a shit mood for the rest of the night. Which caused a headache. Hey gang, I apparently am famous for tension headaches. I guess I'm happy to finally know why I get headaches like no one's business, I just assumed I had a screwy brain.

With the headache, my ruined manicure, and a work rush, I was ready to punch someone. When I was finally allowed to have a smoke break, I just collapsed on the ground and dazed out. I talked to Tj some about why I was upset. No names of course, but I told him the guy I liked was being douchey and that I should probably stop going after douches. He responded that girls never give good guys, like him, a chance. I said, "Tj, I haven't gone after a good guy in years. Let alone given one a chance."

Work Relations

I'm going to tell you a story today. I'm not sure how it ends just yet, but perhaps you can write it for me. Or maybe you'll make me wait and find out on my own, which would be a little mean.

So I've been working at my current job for almost three months now. I've finally started acting like myself there and I don't think some people understand my personality. Up until now, I only talked openly with a few people. I've started feeling comfortable with most of these people and decided maybe it was time for them to actually know me. For the people that do know me, you know I'm extremely sarcastic, kind of a douche, and a slight perv. I basically have the personality of a man, teamed with slight emotional instability.

I've been closing a lot as a driver lately, which entails that me along with another driver or two and the supervisor are stuck there until everything is spotless. This sometimes lasts two hours after close, depending how late we're out on deliveries or how busy it was that night. Most of the time, I close with the guys. Both Chris and Tj are recently single, so their jokes have become increasingly sexual and being myself, I can go to par with them. Sometimes I give them a look of sheer embarrassment if someone mentions one of them "double teaming" the dishes with me, sometimes I pretend to be offended if they try to avoid swiping my ass when squeezing by in the tight spaces by the sinks.

Vlog 5

I broke my usual method and watched this first, only because I needed to edit it. Because I'm so awesome I kept turning the camera and if I left it as it was you'd keep having to tilt your head to watch me talk randomly.

PS, sorry if Momz offend you. =]

Ugh

It's 2am, and I've only been home for half an hour. My six hour shift at work turned into an 8 1/2 hour shift. I forgot my shirt and had to run to WalMart for a black shirt, at least I got one on sale. I twisted my ankle because dipshits decided to let the trashcan overflow and let plastic bags fall on the floor. Losing your footing because you slipped on a sandwich bag sucks. I was limping half the night, my right foot pointed inward, and it kills like a sonuvabitch. I got lost driving on the Air Station, I need a goddamn map for that place. But at least I got 54$ in tips. Filled my tank from the last two days. Btdubbs, you shouldn't go through a tank of gas in two days because of work, and my car is good on gas.

I am still convinced Chris is flirting with me. I still miss Melvin. I want to get laid and might call Shane tomorrow. I am now kind of missing relationships. My chest itches from some random bug bite. I'm tired. I'm ranting. I need tiger blood. Or a zombie apocalypse.

New Newsy News

So I have some news. It may not be important to you, but I'm pretty damn excited. I'll break this up into a list. Some isn't actually news, but stuff that happened today that either made me happy or confused!

1! New Blog! I started a group blog with some fellow bloggies over at 20sb. It's just random stuff we see or come across through life. Just completely random stuff that made us do a double take. I started it off a bit ago, and it's still very much under construction, but it's exciting!
2! I'm now part of the Karaoke Ring of Death, also something from 20sb. Each month there's a different theme and a bunch of us record ourselves singing a song that falls into the category. This month it's covers and rip offs. I have a few different ones in mind...
3! I finally got on base today during work. Uncle finally gave me the notorized letter the other day and I tried for the very first time tonight to deliver a very lucky Marine his wings. It worked! I'm officially base ready. Do I smell more hours?!
4! The two newly single boys at work are flirting with me. It's weird. This isn't necessarily important, just struck me as odd. I'll have to keep my eye on them...
5! I saw Jeremiah for a few minutes today and he looks rough. He deserves every bit of the pain he's in. Ha! And he actually attempted kindness. He said goodbye to me. I almost punched him. But I'm happy I controlled myself and just gave him a snotty look.
6! I think I'm going to be doing a revamp of my blog again. It's looking pretty dang crowded over there in the side bar.
7! Certain people that shall remain nameless, got me back into Twitter and I've been annoying celebrities all day. I told Charlie Sheen I was winning and Cee Lo Green that I'm happy he has a friendly penis. I'm just trying to freak one of them out enough to respond.
8! I'm now on Google+, so email or comment if you want to be a part of my circle. Honestly, it's kind of boring right now, but that might only be because I only have like five people on there. So join my circle and add me to yours and let's try to do it up like a champ!
9! I now have 51 followers!! If you guys start commenting more, maybe I'll attempt a giveaway again. The last one kind of flopped and never happened because only two people entered.
10! Honestly, I just wanted to use this last one to tell some of the people I met over on 20sb how great they are. You guys have shown me how willing you are to be there for me and I think that's amazing. Too few people in this world are willing.

It's Been A Year...

So I was going to tell you all about boning Shane the other night. Because who doesn't love a good sex story? Perhaps you're tired of hearing about me whoring my way through life, maybe you're just jealous, but regardless I decided to skip that. Mainly because today is too epic.

Yes. More epic than sex.

It's officially one year since I left Cape Cod and moved to North Carolina. A whole fucking year. It's crazy. And what have I accomplished? Honestly, not much. I did pass my pharmacy technician class, though I haven't gotten a job in a pharmacy yet. I've whored around, got drunk a lot, got a few pets. It's been a weird year, but that's pretty damn fine with me. My dull year is what got me back into blogging and I'm so happy I did! I've met cool people through both the Shop and 20sb. Some friendships I hope I never lose, because you guys are badass. Us blogger types are just too awesome.

So here's some stuff that happened this year!