Some of my very cool and silly fellow bloggers from 20sb, which is just about the best bloggy place, have convinced me to use my Twitter account again. So if anyone would like to be a wicked special part of the epic lovefest we're having over there, feel free! My name is on my Contact Me page, but if you're too lazy to check, I'm not judging believe me, it's @dinosawrhugs.
So join us!
Oh, and I'm also on Google+. =]
30 June 2011
28 June 2011
Painful Coping
I've been in one of my moods today. I'm not sure if it's still the stress of this past weekend or if I'm just having another manic moment. I was sitting on my couch today and I just couldn't relax. I was sitting cross legged, back straight, with my hands on my knees, just staring into nothingness. The only things really going through my mind weren't good ones, at all. I just kept itching to get out a knife. It's been a long time since I've gotten the urge to hurt myself and I don't really like it.
I was always a depressed kid. In eighth grade, one of my friends explained cutting to me and for some reason it just made sense. I just started cutting myself and it actually helped. Every time I was upset that year, I'd cut myself and make it better. That caused a blow out with the group of friends I had at the time. They turned me in to the counselor and almost called my mother. I spent a week in the counselor's office explaining why I felt that was the only way to deal with my stress. I stopped for a little while after that, six months a least. Then the next thing happened and I fell back into the pattern.
I had two serious relationships in high school and I always tried to hid it as long as possible. I'm not sure if the first ever knew, or if he did he didn't make too big a deal of it. I think he just tried to make sure I was happy to avoid me hurting myself. Mike, well he knew. He threatened to dump me once or twice because of it. He always considered me pretty damn emo and wouldn't be with someone who hurt themself in such a way. So I did stop, as long as I was with him. I didn't start back up again until spring semester of college. One day things became too much and I took a scalpel to my thigh. I learned a long time ago the wrist just calls attention, I went for easier spots to hide.
Since then, I've tried to fight the urge. Most times I win, but not always. I don't think most people understand the compulsion. Yes, for some people it's just a phase or a cry for attention, but that's not always the case. For me, it was something more. The compulsion isn't just something you can get over, it's something you'll always carry with you. It's the inability to get certain emotions out in a typical or healthy way so you create an outlet. Sometimes I feel a pain so deep in my chest I can't get it out, I don't know why I'm so upset. So I cut myself. I make myself hurt in a more tangible way so I can explain it easier. I know it's not healthy and I've been trying to control it since I was fourteen.
I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this post or what I was trying to explain. But there it is. You've all now become privy to something I've hid for years.
I was always a depressed kid. In eighth grade, one of my friends explained cutting to me and for some reason it just made sense. I just started cutting myself and it actually helped. Every time I was upset that year, I'd cut myself and make it better. That caused a blow out with the group of friends I had at the time. They turned me in to the counselor and almost called my mother. I spent a week in the counselor's office explaining why I felt that was the only way to deal with my stress. I stopped for a little while after that, six months a least. Then the next thing happened and I fell back into the pattern.
I had two serious relationships in high school and I always tried to hid it as long as possible. I'm not sure if the first ever knew, or if he did he didn't make too big a deal of it. I think he just tried to make sure I was happy to avoid me hurting myself. Mike, well he knew. He threatened to dump me once or twice because of it. He always considered me pretty damn emo and wouldn't be with someone who hurt themself in such a way. So I did stop, as long as I was with him. I didn't start back up again until spring semester of college. One day things became too much and I took a scalpel to my thigh. I learned a long time ago the wrist just calls attention, I went for easier spots to hide.
Since then, I've tried to fight the urge. Most times I win, but not always. I don't think most people understand the compulsion. Yes, for some people it's just a phase or a cry for attention, but that's not always the case. For me, it was something more. The compulsion isn't just something you can get over, it's something you'll always carry with you. It's the inability to get certain emotions out in a typical or healthy way so you create an outlet. Sometimes I feel a pain so deep in my chest I can't get it out, I don't know why I'm so upset. So I cut myself. I make myself hurt in a more tangible way so I can explain it easier. I know it's not healthy and I've been trying to control it since I was fourteen.
I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this post or what I was trying to explain. But there it is. You've all now become privy to something I've hid for years.
27 June 2011
Friday Night Shitstorm Part III
Jeremiah started shit over and over again. He finally yelled he was in love. As a joke, Vic said "with a stripper" because of that song. Sam started telling stories from her stripping days and we were all getting a laugh... until Jeremiah said "No, she's a good woman." Then he brought up the old shit of how Tj supposedly walked in on Alysia in the bathroom. He almost called Tj's girlfriend at 2am to ask her if she knew. Jeremiah's like, "Get up Tj, stand up." Tj stood up and BAM! Jeremiah punched him in the face and all hell broke lose.
Vic and Melvin jumped into the fight. I'm stuck in the corner next to the door. I'm about to be thrown in and I'm debating whether or not I should jump off the porch to avoid that. Thankfully a space clears and I run off. Beer is flying and spilling everywhere. Vic jumps out and stands with some of us on the grass. The fight ends up being Jeremiah and Melvin wrestling on the ground. Jeremiah is attempting to gouge out Melvin's eyes and Melvin's biting Jeremiah's finger to try to stop him. I'm freaking out, Courtney and Alysia are still on the porch and try to break it up. Sam walks around the corner and sees what's going on. She runs to the porch, some of the guy's rip the two apart. Sam went to town on Jeremiah. She's screaming, punching him in the face. As a reminder, there's a ten year age difference between Jeremiah and Melvin and Jeremiah is a whole lot bigger.
Melvin's down on the grass with the rest of us at this point. He's covered in beer and some blood and has some cuts beneath both his eyes. I ask someone to get me the rubbing alcohol and call him over. I tell him to clean his cuts, god knows what's under Jeremiah's nails and he doesn't need an infected eye. He keeps saying no, he's fine. I eventually beg him, telling him just do it to make me feel better. He finally does but I'm still worrying over him. He must have sensed how upset I was because he finally said, "Sweetheart, I'm fine."
It's 2:30am now. People have been screaming and lights are turning on around the neighborhood. There's underage kids and drugs, so most of us decide it's time to go. I get a hug from Vic and him and Tj leave. Courtney leaves with her boyfriend. I turn to Melvin and make him promise to text me in the morning to let me know he's okay. "You know where I'll be, even if you can't be there. So just text me, okay?" He promises since he'll be watching Sam's kids anyway. I drive away after a hug and go to my nana's place to crash for the night.
Vic and Melvin jumped into the fight. I'm stuck in the corner next to the door. I'm about to be thrown in and I'm debating whether or not I should jump off the porch to avoid that. Thankfully a space clears and I run off. Beer is flying and spilling everywhere. Vic jumps out and stands with some of us on the grass. The fight ends up being Jeremiah and Melvin wrestling on the ground. Jeremiah is attempting to gouge out Melvin's eyes and Melvin's biting Jeremiah's finger to try to stop him. I'm freaking out, Courtney and Alysia are still on the porch and try to break it up. Sam walks around the corner and sees what's going on. She runs to the porch, some of the guy's rip the two apart. Sam went to town on Jeremiah. She's screaming, punching him in the face. As a reminder, there's a ten year age difference between Jeremiah and Melvin and Jeremiah is a whole lot bigger.
Melvin's down on the grass with the rest of us at this point. He's covered in beer and some blood and has some cuts beneath both his eyes. I ask someone to get me the rubbing alcohol and call him over. I tell him to clean his cuts, god knows what's under Jeremiah's nails and he doesn't need an infected eye. He keeps saying no, he's fine. I eventually beg him, telling him just do it to make me feel better. He finally does but I'm still worrying over him. He must have sensed how upset I was because he finally said, "Sweetheart, I'm fine."
It's 2:30am now. People have been screaming and lights are turning on around the neighborhood. There's underage kids and drugs, so most of us decide it's time to go. I get a hug from Vic and him and Tj leave. Courtney leaves with her boyfriend. I turn to Melvin and make him promise to text me in the morning to let me know he's okay. "You know where I'll be, even if you can't be there. So just text me, okay?" He promises since he'll be watching Sam's kids anyway. I drive away after a hug and go to my nana's place to crash for the night.
26 June 2011
Friday Night Shitstorm Part II
Friday started off like any other good day. Mom and I decided to go out on the town for errands. Our central air went during the last storm, so we were on the hunt for window units. We went shopping, got lost and found the Duplin Winery. We had fun taste testing different jams and made a point to plan a return trip later. We spent the rest of our outting antiquing at various shops, one of which had an old school coke machine that we bought soda from.
We got home around four and by five I had an invite from Andy for the weekly party. So a little after six I packed up clothes for the following day and drove off buying booze on the way. When I arrived, Sam and Melvin were already there. We had a pretty good time and not before long, Alysia and Jeremiah showed up. Andy and Jeremiah decided to have a shot for shot contest, so the both of them quickly became piss drunk. More and more people popped up and we were all having a relatively good time despite the slight drama Jeremiah brings with him everywhere.
I was pretty gone for a bit. I drank a bottle of rum in four drinks from about seven to eleven, with a blunt somewhere in there. After that I may have had a few sips of a drink and a beer. At one point during the night I took Alysia aside. I thought I should let her know people at work think her and Jeremiah are sleeping together, she's married so that's pretty bad. I very clearly told her that I wasn't saying she was but people are talking. I would want to know if someone was talking about me that way, so I thought it was only right to tell her. Towards the end of the conversation, Jeremiah came out and saw us. He immediately got pissed as I just walked back into the house. I was sitting down when he came in and asked if I had anything to say to him. I was like, "Just because I'm talking to her doesn't mean it's about you. My life doesn't revolve around you." He just went on and on how he loves her and he knows my "intentions". I told him I had no intentions but it's okay because I'm the most horrible person in the world, I'm such a liar. I was honestly just sick of his shit, so I went outside.
Outside I was talking with everyone and trying to salvage the night. Andy came out, drunk as poo, and half sat on my chair, throwing my drink of chocolate milk and Ice 101 on my lap. After getting my clothes from my car, I go inside to change. I joke with Alysia as I walk by with Jeremiah saying I should suck it up, like I was so upset about it. The night continues on with most people ignoring his drama and trying to enjoy themselves. At one point Andy's landlord shows up, Melvin talks to him to sort things out. The landlord doesn't call the police on us but promises to talk to Andy the following day. I probably should mention we were setting things on fire on the porch during that...
We got home around four and by five I had an invite from Andy for the weekly party. So a little after six I packed up clothes for the following day and drove off buying booze on the way. When I arrived, Sam and Melvin were already there. We had a pretty good time and not before long, Alysia and Jeremiah showed up. Andy and Jeremiah decided to have a shot for shot contest, so the both of them quickly became piss drunk. More and more people popped up and we were all having a relatively good time despite the slight drama Jeremiah brings with him everywhere.
I was pretty gone for a bit. I drank a bottle of rum in four drinks from about seven to eleven, with a blunt somewhere in there. After that I may have had a few sips of a drink and a beer. At one point during the night I took Alysia aside. I thought I should let her know people at work think her and Jeremiah are sleeping together, she's married so that's pretty bad. I very clearly told her that I wasn't saying she was but people are talking. I would want to know if someone was talking about me that way, so I thought it was only right to tell her. Towards the end of the conversation, Jeremiah came out and saw us. He immediately got pissed as I just walked back into the house. I was sitting down when he came in and asked if I had anything to say to him. I was like, "Just because I'm talking to her doesn't mean it's about you. My life doesn't revolve around you." He just went on and on how he loves her and he knows my "intentions". I told him I had no intentions but it's okay because I'm the most horrible person in the world, I'm such a liar. I was honestly just sick of his shit, so I went outside.
Outside I was talking with everyone and trying to salvage the night. Andy came out, drunk as poo, and half sat on my chair, throwing my drink of chocolate milk and Ice 101 on my lap. After getting my clothes from my car, I go inside to change. I joke with Alysia as I walk by with Jeremiah saying I should suck it up, like I was so upset about it. The night continues on with most people ignoring his drama and trying to enjoy themselves. At one point Andy's landlord shows up, Melvin talks to him to sort things out. The landlord doesn't call the police on us but promises to talk to Andy the following day. I probably should mention we were setting things on fire on the porch during that...
Friday Night Shitstorm
Ever have one of those nights you wish you could just forget? Friday was one of those. Honestly I'm still acting shell shock and have been on the verge of tears at random points throughout the days. So many things, lives, were ruined in the span of that one night. I may have only been involved by proximity, but I still can't believe any of it happened. I'm upset for everyone involved, only in slightly different capacities. It was horrible and I wish it never happened.
22 June 2011
Rain Never Leave
... A STRONG THUNDERSTORM WILL MOVE ACROSS DUPLIN... ONSLOW AND JONES COUNTIES THROUGH 930 PM EDT...
AT 845 PM EDT... DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A STRONG THUNDERSTORM OVER POTTERS HILL... OR ABOUT 15 MILES NORTHWEST OF HALF MOON... MOVING NORTHEAST AT 30 MPH.
HAZARDS INCLUDE... GUSTY WINDS OF 30 TO 40 MPH.
SEEK SHELTER IN A NEARLY BUILDING OR VEHICLE. STRONG WINDS ARE CAPABLE OF KNOCKING DOWN SMALL TREES AND BLOWING AROUND TRASH CANS... POTTED PLANTS... LAWN FURNITURE AND OTHER LIGHT OUTDOOR OBJECTS.
This is what I was greeted with this afternoon by the sometimes hated Weather.com. It also scrolled across my tv distracting me from yelling at Obama to hurry up his Presidential Address so I could find out the finalists on The Voice. The house was light up with lightning and surrounded by claps of thunder. Blinkin seemed unaffected sleeping in his unorthodox napping location on the dolphin coffee table. The dogs' barks echoed through the yard and could be heard in the living room. Dels was nowhere to be found, but most likely sleeping under someone's bed. During all this, I could hear the rain.
I've always loved the rain. I believe falling asleep to the sound of rainfall is just about the most perfect way possible. I've been known to take walks in the downpour just to be in the rain, other times to help me with some emotional distress. Spending an hour in the pouring rain heals my broken heart time and time again, even a chipped knuckle or two. I'm the type of girl you'll find dancing in a field during a rainstorm to feel the earth move around her. For some reason I've always felt more at peace underneath all those rain clouds.
19 June 2011
I Love My Cock
I went to Andy's once again yesterday. As per my usual, I showed up first. But I helped him clean the house. I feel bad crashing there all the time, trashing the place, so I did his dishes and looked after B, his son. That kid is awesome. He's going to be the most badass kid when he grows up. I was drinking Ice 101 and chocolate milk, seriously try it. Tastes like mint chocolate milk, epic. I gave B the teeniest sip of it and he loved it surprisingly. When I made him a glass of strawberry milk later and asked how it was, you know what that ba kid said? "It would be better with peppermint."
Melvin showed up a little bit later bearing bags of booze for the night. Melvin and Andy bribed me into taking a shot of Hennessey. My god, I was telling them how much I hated them for a while. Andy was making the world's greatest spaghetti and I wasn't allowed to eat that until I drank some coke and Hennessey. I swear they were just trying to get me drunk even though they knew I wasn't going to be spending the night. That spaghetti was bomb, yo. Needless to say I was pretty buzzed by the time other people showed up. We got a good crowd going, running out of room for all the cars. We rode the elephant for a while, messing me up even more. =D Now we get to the interesting part of my night...
Melvin showed up a little bit later bearing bags of booze for the night. Melvin and Andy bribed me into taking a shot of Hennessey. My god, I was telling them how much I hated them for a while. Andy was making the world's greatest spaghetti and I wasn't allowed to eat that until I drank some coke and Hennessey. I swear they were just trying to get me drunk even though they knew I wasn't going to be spending the night. That spaghetti was bomb, yo. Needless to say I was pretty buzzed by the time other people showed up. We got a good crowd going, running out of room for all the cars. We rode the elephant for a while, messing me up even more. =D Now we get to the interesting part of my night...
16 June 2011
I Say Vag A Lot
I'm sitting here all decked out, in a sleepy way. I had another proposed date tonight, but stood up once again. That boy is officially on my shit list. But I'm wearing my best, laciest lingerie, boxers, shirt that all but shows off said lacy bra, and my hair is all wavy and beautiful. I pulled out all the stops for tonight but when he was thirty minutes late I gave up and drove home. Apparently I'm only worth his joke. Aw shucks.
It's got me thinking even more about the relationship bullshit we put ourselves through. Putting so much effort into something that's probably just going to implode somewhere down the line. So I would like to welcome back and introduce you all to Cold, Heartless Bitch Jess. I missed her and I know you'll all love her. She ditched the black pit that was once her heart and only thinks with her vag. And has shittons of fun while she's at it.
I haven't really used my alter ego since moving and damn am I ready for it. I began to a few weeks ago. I'm sure you all remember. Stalker to Jeremiah to Shane, who by the way I need to call. God that boy is just what I need right now. String free boning. Yes please! I stopped using her to try and keep my numbers down. That was a wicked funny celibacy stint, SO glad I kicked that. My vag was becoming quite sick of Fernando. He might be good for a quick fix during a lonely night, but nowhere near as good as the real thing. Batteries only go so far. And obviously doesn't beat me. I would prefer to be bruised up just a tad, please? Haha, sex deprivation is sinking in quickly. I may have to call Shane tomorrow after work. XD
Rantrantrant. I'm just all over the place tonight, and I swear I'm sober. Promise. Pinky swear. Satisfied? Good. Now moral of the story? Always put your vag first. =]
It's got me thinking even more about the relationship bullshit we put ourselves through. Putting so much effort into something that's probably just going to implode somewhere down the line. So I would like to welcome back and introduce you all to Cold, Heartless Bitch Jess. I missed her and I know you'll all love her. She ditched the black pit that was once her heart and only thinks with her vag. And has shittons of fun while she's at it.
I haven't really used my alter ego since moving and damn am I ready for it. I began to a few weeks ago. I'm sure you all remember. Stalker to Jeremiah to Shane, who by the way I need to call. God that boy is just what I need right now. String free boning. Yes please! I stopped using her to try and keep my numbers down. That was a wicked funny celibacy stint, SO glad I kicked that. My vag was becoming quite sick of Fernando. He might be good for a quick fix during a lonely night, but nowhere near as good as the real thing. Batteries only go so far. And obviously doesn't beat me. I would prefer to be bruised up just a tad, please? Haha, sex deprivation is sinking in quickly. I may have to call Shane tomorrow after work. XD
Rantrantrant. I'm just all over the place tonight, and I swear I'm sober. Promise. Pinky swear. Satisfied? Good. Now moral of the story? Always put your vag first. =]
20sb
I'm not sure if you've noticed, probably not but I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I've got something new and exciting on this wonderful little blog. After a week of agonizing wait for approval I have finally joined the ranks of a very prestigious blogging community. Folks, I've joined 20 Something Bloggers. I got a pretty badge to proudly display and everything. It's pretty badass.
Last night was my first day, and honestly, it's pretty epic. I have a pretty profile with my pretty face and joined a few groups and discussions. I also hung out in the chatroom for a few hours just basking in the mass awesomeness of the place. I even have friends. Me, I got friends, four of them! Is it bad that all four are boys I may or may not have sexually harassed in the chatroom and lured in with the promise of bacon? Okay, maybe only two fall into that category. Basically, the place is wicked awesome.
Well that's my plug for the day. I'm off to get a military decal on my car so my boss stops yelling at me for not being able to get on base when we get deliveries there up the wazoo. Oh, and I was stood up last night. Karma for blowing off Michael? Possibly. All I know is I'm pretty bummed because I really dug this one. =[
Last night was my first day, and honestly, it's pretty epic. I have a pretty profile with my pretty face and joined a few groups and discussions. I also hung out in the chatroom for a few hours just basking in the mass awesomeness of the place. I even have friends. Me, I got friends, four of them! Is it bad that all four are boys I may or may not have sexually harassed in the chatroom and lured in with the promise of bacon? Okay, maybe only two fall into that category. Basically, the place is wicked awesome.
Well that's my plug for the day. I'm off to get a military decal on my car so my boss stops yelling at me for not being able to get on base when we get deliveries there up the wazoo. Oh, and I was stood up last night. Karma for blowing off Michael? Possibly. All I know is I'm pretty bummed because I really dug this one. =[
13 June 2011
Cuddle?
I've had cuddling on the brain a lot lately. Maybe I've been single too long, maybe I just want to be held. I've come to the realization I've spent too many nights laying awake for hours wishing someone was next to me. My blankets aren't too fun to cuddle with, they don't hug you back. This has made me feel a little more lonely than usual. Perhaps because I'm sort of interested in someone and I don't really have a chance there. I mean, we're friends but he's another one who just wants to have fun rather than settle down at our age. Oh, and I met him because he's sleeping with a coworker. Not too bright to try and get with it. All I know is I dig him.
Whatever the case may be, I needed to get myself a cuddle buddy. So I got one. He's adorable, has these golden green eyes, cuddly, and black. I normally don't go for the black boys, but he just got me. I know what you're thinking, "Jess, do you really need another guy in your life?" Apparently the answer to that question is fuck yeah. I know you want to see a picture of him. AND a picture of us cuddling. Okay, okay, stop pleading. =]
Whatever the case may be, I needed to get myself a cuddle buddy. So I got one. He's adorable, has these golden green eyes, cuddly, and black. I normally don't go for the black boys, but he just got me. I know what you're thinking, "Jess, do you really need another guy in your life?" Apparently the answer to that question is fuck yeah. I know you want to see a picture of him. AND a picture of us cuddling. Okay, okay, stop pleading. =]
Vodka & Cameras
I have been taking swigs of vodka.
I found my camera.
It has a video function...
As always, these were not viewed prior to posting. Some may cut out randomly. =]
There's four total, but I'm going to publish with the first, be sure to check back if you haven't seen them all yet!
I found my camera.
It has a video function...
As always, these were not viewed prior to posting. Some may cut out randomly. =]
There's four total, but I'm going to publish with the first, be sure to check back if you haven't seen them all yet!
12 June 2011
Fuuuuuuuck
Disclaimer: This post shall seem abrasive and angry.
Get in my mindset. Nao.
I am angry.
I want one day where I'm not plagued by extreme emotions. One day where I don't want to either break down in tears or punch someone in their fucking face. I really want to bury my fist in someone's fucking face, legit. I'm getting pretty damn sick of my past coming back to fuck with me. I'm getting really fucking sick of the few times I actually fell for someone to bite me in my ass. At least the weather is agreeing with me, hello random torrential downpour of epic proportions. I never should have gotten engaged in high school like a fucking child. Because you know, it only gave him that much more power to pop up out of nowhere today to let me know he's engaged. Fuck you douchebag, like I fucking needed to know that. So lucky I'm not on Cape right now. My car would be on top of you.
Seriously, the night I turn down getting trashed. I'm being punished, I really am. I just need to go outside, sit in the thunderstorm and let my nerves calm down, because this isn't helping as much as I hoped. Angry sex, that's what I need. Where the fuck is Shane when I need him. Or any other attractive guy? Fuck this shit.
If you don't hear back from me soon, I'm nursing a broken hand.
Stood Up
Well today was a day. I hate hangovers. I hate that I'm actually starting to get hangovers.
I got off work just before 11pm last night. I run to Walmart, buy some beer, and scoot my butt over to Andy's for the party. Given the late hour, I'm greeted by drunk faces, a hug from Melvin, and a dirty look from Jeremiah. I immediately open a beer and relax with people out on the porch. My total count by the end of the night was two beers and three shots of rum. I know, I'm embarrassed of myself too. That is such a small list. I did also hit the shit out of the elephant. Yes, elephant. Someone had an elephant bowl and that was fucking awesome. You smoked out of its trunk, epic. I ended up puking my guts out, partially on myself, but Melvin was nice and held my hair back. Thankfully I had a change of pants in my car since I had a date today, so I changed in the bathroom and passed out on Andy's bed. Who came in an hour or so later, talked to me for a few minutes, then passed out himself. I'm pretty sure he tried cuddling with me, I kept feeling an arm reach out to me. In response to that, I slept on the couch.
When I woke up this morning around 10am, I realized my pants were inside out. No wonder I had so much trouble buttoning them the night before. I couldn't find my flip flops inside anywhere, so I just grabbed my purse and walked outside. I found one on the porch, the other half way across the yard. I drove off chewing gum and went to the laundromat. I needed to wash my puke covered jeans, I needed them for work. On the way I texted Michael to let him know I was wicked hungover and physical activity was going to be too much to ask of me. So I didn't exactly stand him up, only kind of. I washed a total of two outfits, I'm such a weirdo I had dirty clothes in my car. I bought myself Subway but felt nauseous after two bites. Sitting on the floor wearing sunglasses, practically falling asleep, with sketchy ghetto black guys... Yeah, that was my morning. As soon as my clothes were done, which never happened since I took them out still damp, I left and went to my nana's empty place and passed out until forever.
I walked out to my car shirtless to get my things to get ready for work. I hope the neighbor lady enjoyed my bra. I got dressed and drove to work an hour early, I was fucking stahving and the leftover sub I had was gross from sitting for hours. Ick. I got my coffee coolatta on the way and enjoyed my greasy fried food when I got there. My tire was a little low but was okay to drive on. But a few hours later, I'm told its on the rim. Lunayoufuckingpieceofshitcar.
I have a flat spare, no jack, and no one to come save me. The supervisor lets me take her car to fill up my spare, but once I do that I realize its the tire that's warped beyond belief and therefore useless. Once back at the store, someone lets me borrow their jack. Silly boy started explaining how to jack up a car, I laughed. The boys were acting all concerned, it was funny. I got my car jacked up and the tire off with a little fighting, I had to sit there and kick it off. The second I got it off, Tj came out to help me. Such timing. But he was in a good mood and drove me to the gas station to fill the tire on the chance it was just a leak and I didn't run over something destroying the tire. Thankfully that's what it seemed to be, we didn't find any holes and it stayed inflated, even after we drove back and put it back on my car. It got me home at least.
I came home to chicken nuggets and french fries. I made some awesome sweet tea and laughed at my crazy kitten who is in one of those killer cat moods. My head still hurts, my stomach still wants to die. I feel a little guilty, a little lonely. I'm still unsure about everything, but at least I got one night off from myself.
I got off work just before 11pm last night. I run to Walmart, buy some beer, and scoot my butt over to Andy's for the party. Given the late hour, I'm greeted by drunk faces, a hug from Melvin, and a dirty look from Jeremiah. I immediately open a beer and relax with people out on the porch. My total count by the end of the night was two beers and three shots of rum. I know, I'm embarrassed of myself too. That is such a small list. I did also hit the shit out of the elephant. Yes, elephant. Someone had an elephant bowl and that was fucking awesome. You smoked out of its trunk, epic. I ended up puking my guts out, partially on myself, but Melvin was nice and held my hair back. Thankfully I had a change of pants in my car since I had a date today, so I changed in the bathroom and passed out on Andy's bed. Who came in an hour or so later, talked to me for a few minutes, then passed out himself. I'm pretty sure he tried cuddling with me, I kept feeling an arm reach out to me. In response to that, I slept on the couch.
When I woke up this morning around 10am, I realized my pants were inside out. No wonder I had so much trouble buttoning them the night before. I couldn't find my flip flops inside anywhere, so I just grabbed my purse and walked outside. I found one on the porch, the other half way across the yard. I drove off chewing gum and went to the laundromat. I needed to wash my puke covered jeans, I needed them for work. On the way I texted Michael to let him know I was wicked hungover and physical activity was going to be too much to ask of me. So I didn't exactly stand him up, only kind of. I washed a total of two outfits, I'm such a weirdo I had dirty clothes in my car. I bought myself Subway but felt nauseous after two bites. Sitting on the floor wearing sunglasses, practically falling asleep, with sketchy ghetto black guys... Yeah, that was my morning. As soon as my clothes were done, which never happened since I took them out still damp, I left and went to my nana's empty place and passed out until forever.
I walked out to my car shirtless to get my things to get ready for work. I hope the neighbor lady enjoyed my bra. I got dressed and drove to work an hour early, I was fucking stahving and the leftover sub I had was gross from sitting for hours. Ick. I got my coffee coolatta on the way and enjoyed my greasy fried food when I got there. My tire was a little low but was okay to drive on. But a few hours later, I'm told its on the rim. Lunayoufuckingpieceofshitcar.
I have a flat spare, no jack, and no one to come save me. The supervisor lets me take her car to fill up my spare, but once I do that I realize its the tire that's warped beyond belief and therefore useless. Once back at the store, someone lets me borrow their jack. Silly boy started explaining how to jack up a car, I laughed. The boys were acting all concerned, it was funny. I got my car jacked up and the tire off with a little fighting, I had to sit there and kick it off. The second I got it off, Tj came out to help me. Such timing. But he was in a good mood and drove me to the gas station to fill the tire on the chance it was just a leak and I didn't run over something destroying the tire. Thankfully that's what it seemed to be, we didn't find any holes and it stayed inflated, even after we drove back and put it back on my car. It got me home at least.
I came home to chicken nuggets and french fries. I made some awesome sweet tea and laughed at my crazy kitten who is in one of those killer cat moods. My head still hurts, my stomach still wants to die. I feel a little guilty, a little lonely. I'm still unsure about everything, but at least I got one night off from myself.
10 June 2011
Fallen Tears Once Again
So I cried myself asleep again last night. Though it was 3:30am when I finally said fuck and closed my laptop, refusing to talk anymore. I was fighting back tears as it was during the conversation with him, but I wasn't going to cry talking to him. If I didn't leave my vodka at Andy's, I would've been chugging that last night. I was just completely miserable.
When I finally got the sobbing down and I drifted off, I dreamt. For the first time in a while, I dreamed about him. One of my best friends and I went on vacation and were exploring the wonderful city. And I saw him. It was kind of awkward. At least that's how my sleeping brain interpreted it. I don't know how else to explain bumping into someone you loved years later. So yeah, awkward.
As for Operation Distracted Heart, tonight after work I'm going to Andy's yet again. I plan to get plastered and pass out in a wicked inconvenient way. At least I plan to if I don't punch the shit out of Jeremiah if he plans on showing up. We're both working tonight and I hope I get cut first since I closed last night, only fair. Then there's that date with Michael in the morning, if I show up. Then more work! Keeping busy is the only thing keeping me relatively sane right now.
God, I don't know how you guys are putting up with me still. I'm depressing myself.
When I finally got the sobbing down and I drifted off, I dreamt. For the first time in a while, I dreamed about him. One of my best friends and I went on vacation and were exploring the wonderful city. And I saw him. It was kind of awkward. At least that's how my sleeping brain interpreted it. I don't know how else to explain bumping into someone you loved years later. So yeah, awkward.
As for Operation Distracted Heart, tonight after work I'm going to Andy's yet again. I plan to get plastered and pass out in a wicked inconvenient way. At least I plan to if I don't punch the shit out of Jeremiah if he plans on showing up. We're both working tonight and I hope I get cut first since I closed last night, only fair. Then there's that date with Michael in the morning, if I show up. Then more work! Keeping busy is the only thing keeping me relatively sane right now.
God, I don't know how you guys are putting up with me still. I'm depressing myself.
Operation Distracted Heart
This is now a full fledged mission and I may need help, because frankly, I'm doing an awful job. I still lay awake at night thinking about him. Ugh. I've been having long talks with my best friends hoping to get some insight. My best friends are all in different phases on the love cycle. I have the happily in love commited bestie, the never had a date bestie, and the I'm sick of men and I just want to screw bestie. Every single one of them assures me I'm not going crazy and that it's okay I'm trying to distract myself. Apparently sex is fun so Shane is good to keep, I should give Michael a chance, and Mike Pop is Mike Pop and we all love him regardless. As for Nick... that's where there's different opinions. I'm either to never talk to him again so I can move on or just be friends since I personally hate not having him in my life.
Work today, sucked. I wanted to punch Jeremiah in the face and spit on the mangled remains. He had the nerve to fucking snap at me for doing my job. Thankfully the supervisor was standing right there and snapped at him considering I was doing what I was supposed to. I was more than happy that I had to close so he could go early. I wasn't the only one getting fed up with him. I'm not sure how much more of his attitude I can handle before I snap and beat the shit out of him. He's on probation. I can punch him and he'd go to jail if he hit me back. So very tempting.
To delay going home and sitting here in front of my computer, I went to Shane's. I didn't get off work until 10:30 and he has work in the morning so I couldn't stay long. I went in, took off my shoes, put a condom in my bra, and walked into his room. I took off his shirt between kisses, threw him onto the bed, ripped off his pants. I was kind of on a mission. I didn't want anything on my mind. I took off my clothes until I was standing in front of him in just my sexiest lingerie and smiled before I went down on him, like I said, mission. I tossed him the condom, took off my lingerie, and climbed on top. I'll just say we moved through a few different positions, I was choked, spanked, beaten really. I needed to be abused, I feel like I need to be. And seriously, Shane breaks me. I honestly think he's ripping apart my insides, I end up bleeding slightly each time. I left immediately after I got dressed, out by 11pm.
I'm sure all of you know by now how lucky I am. I'm driving home, pretty damn sore, and screaming songs at the top of my lungs. And which song comes on? This one.
This is the song I dedicated to him, to Nick. Of course the universe made me think of him immediately after doing something so extreme to forget him. I don't know, maybe he was right when he said fate and soul mates. I believed him then and have been trying to prove it wrong since he ended it. All I know is I'm done with the universe trying to keep me miserable. I've been through enough, right?
In further effort to distract myself, I'm not coming home tomorrow night. After work, I'm going over to Andy's for a cook out and drinking until I can't stand. I find myself drinking more and more, the fear of being an alcoholic becoming more possible and likely. Fuck it, at least it'll keep me numb for a while. If Jeremiah's at the party, shit's probably going down. Though no one wants him there so he might not... hopefully. Then I have that date Saturday morning, if I wake up. I have a feeling I might stand him up just because I'll be too drunk to wake up. I'll have to set a shit load of alarms to be sure.
Work today, sucked. I wanted to punch Jeremiah in the face and spit on the mangled remains. He had the nerve to fucking snap at me for doing my job. Thankfully the supervisor was standing right there and snapped at him considering I was doing what I was supposed to. I was more than happy that I had to close so he could go early. I wasn't the only one getting fed up with him. I'm not sure how much more of his attitude I can handle before I snap and beat the shit out of him. He's on probation. I can punch him and he'd go to jail if he hit me back. So very tempting.
To delay going home and sitting here in front of my computer, I went to Shane's. I didn't get off work until 10:30 and he has work in the morning so I couldn't stay long. I went in, took off my shoes, put a condom in my bra, and walked into his room. I took off his shirt between kisses, threw him onto the bed, ripped off his pants. I was kind of on a mission. I didn't want anything on my mind. I took off my clothes until I was standing in front of him in just my sexiest lingerie and smiled before I went down on him, like I said, mission. I tossed him the condom, took off my lingerie, and climbed on top. I'll just say we moved through a few different positions, I was choked, spanked, beaten really. I needed to be abused, I feel like I need to be. And seriously, Shane breaks me. I honestly think he's ripping apart my insides, I end up bleeding slightly each time. I left immediately after I got dressed, out by 11pm.
I'm sure all of you know by now how lucky I am. I'm driving home, pretty damn sore, and screaming songs at the top of my lungs. And which song comes on? This one.
This is the song I dedicated to him, to Nick. Of course the universe made me think of him immediately after doing something so extreme to forget him. I don't know, maybe he was right when he said fate and soul mates. I believed him then and have been trying to prove it wrong since he ended it. All I know is I'm done with the universe trying to keep me miserable. I've been through enough, right?
In further effort to distract myself, I'm not coming home tomorrow night. After work, I'm going over to Andy's for a cook out and drinking until I can't stand. I find myself drinking more and more, the fear of being an alcoholic becoming more possible and likely. Fuck it, at least it'll keep me numb for a while. If Jeremiah's at the party, shit's probably going down. Though no one wants him there so he might not... hopefully. Then I have that date Saturday morning, if I wake up. I have a feeling I might stand him up just because I'll be too drunk to wake up. I'll have to set a shit load of alarms to be sure.
09 June 2011
Conflicted
Here it is after midnight yet again and my mind is wandering. I can't seem to keep it quiet lately. Every thought I have seems to contradict the one before it and I'm starting to get confused. This is probably why I've been drinking so much lately. I've been medicating in the best way I know. I'm fighting with passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, lonliness, heartache, contentment, happiness, and depression. Seemingly all at once.
Jeremiah dealt with me at work by not dealing with me. He barely spoke and gave me one word sentences when he had to. He wouldn't let me go near his station even if he was busy and I had nothing to do. I'm sitting there and offer to help but nope, he's got it. I was so happy when I was sent home early. I didn't want to deal with his attitude the day I was told to be more "bubbly" at work. It's hard to be bubbly when you're being ignored.
I have a date this Saturday with a boy named Michael. I'm not sure if I want a relationship. I mean, the last person I fell in love with lives on a completely different continent which squashed any chance at a real relationship. And I kind of still love him. Okay, not kind of. Totally and completely still love him, I'm just trying really hard to ignore that part of my heart and it's turning out to be harder than I expected. I want to give this boy a chance. Even though he's a year younger than I am and seems kind of desperate for a relationship. I don't want to be a girlfriend of convenience.
On the other hand I'm doing this booty call thing with Shane. We've slept together twice so far, which I've dished about, and I turned him down for tonight. Mainly because of transportation issues. He's hot, I like him, but there is no future there and I know that. He's all about fun and it's not that I'm getting tired of it, I'm just confused about all the other guys in my life. Like my best friend Mike Pop. I love that kid, he's one of my best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But we also have that sort of relationship where we sleep together. He wants to visit, and I can't wait to see him, but I also know how we are together. Basically, we're going to be all over each other, probably drunk. We've been texting a lot recently, trying to plan the visit, but it's also been about what we mean to each other. Mike knows I love him, I tell him all the time, but he knows it's platonically considering he's one of my best friends.
I'm sick of my brain and I'm sick of my heart. I've been ignoring the fact that I've been involving myself with more than one person while I have feelings for a completely different one who wants nothing to do with me. I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared. I was rejected by the first person I loved in years and now I'm not sure if I have it in me to put myself out there like that again, even though I desperately wish someone loved me. I think I'm trying to distract myself with enough guys that I won't become attached to any of them. But somehow I don't see that happening.
Basically, I'm a wreck.
Jeremiah dealt with me at work by not dealing with me. He barely spoke and gave me one word sentences when he had to. He wouldn't let me go near his station even if he was busy and I had nothing to do. I'm sitting there and offer to help but nope, he's got it. I was so happy when I was sent home early. I didn't want to deal with his attitude the day I was told to be more "bubbly" at work. It's hard to be bubbly when you're being ignored.
I have a date this Saturday with a boy named Michael. I'm not sure if I want a relationship. I mean, the last person I fell in love with lives on a completely different continent which squashed any chance at a real relationship. And I kind of still love him. Okay, not kind of. Totally and completely still love him, I'm just trying really hard to ignore that part of my heart and it's turning out to be harder than I expected. I want to give this boy a chance. Even though he's a year younger than I am and seems kind of desperate for a relationship. I don't want to be a girlfriend of convenience.
On the other hand I'm doing this booty call thing with Shane. We've slept together twice so far, which I've dished about, and I turned him down for tonight. Mainly because of transportation issues. He's hot, I like him, but there is no future there and I know that. He's all about fun and it's not that I'm getting tired of it, I'm just confused about all the other guys in my life. Like my best friend Mike Pop. I love that kid, he's one of my best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But we also have that sort of relationship where we sleep together. He wants to visit, and I can't wait to see him, but I also know how we are together. Basically, we're going to be all over each other, probably drunk. We've been texting a lot recently, trying to plan the visit, but it's also been about what we mean to each other. Mike knows I love him, I tell him all the time, but he knows it's platonically considering he's one of my best friends.
I'm sick of my brain and I'm sick of my heart. I've been ignoring the fact that I've been involving myself with more than one person while I have feelings for a completely different one who wants nothing to do with me. I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared. I was rejected by the first person I loved in years and now I'm not sure if I have it in me to put myself out there like that again, even though I desperately wish someone loved me. I think I'm trying to distract myself with enough guys that I won't become attached to any of them. But somehow I don't see that happening.
Basically, I'm a wreck.
06 June 2011
Rum, Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, & Condoms
It's finally my day off and I can spill on my adventures since I blogged Wednesday night. Of course there is much more booze, sex, laughter, and a few urges to punch someone in the face. I've officially decided that while I have no clue where my life is going, I'm okay with it. I've also decided to fuck that pc no name bullshit I was going with because all the initials are getting confusing to me and I know the people, I have no clue how all you are surviving and keep my adventures straight.
Thursday morning I woke up early feeling like my insides were ripped apart the night before, in a good way. Shane, formally known as the cute boy from class, seriously knows his shit and may or may not have caused me to bleed slightly from a punctured already misformed uterus. So I got dressed and drove my little bum to work and explained to Andy, A, that I needed to get off early. Leaving work at 6 when my final is 6:30 is not preferrable when school was across town and there's tons of construction traffic going down. Thankfully he understood and Alysia agreed to come in early so I left at 5. I'm sure Jeremiah, J, was more than thrilled I was leaving just as he was getting there. I sat outside in the wonderful sunshine in my stinky work clothes and studied.
When I went in and sat down in front of the computer, I was just slightly dreading the next two hours. I read the lists of drugs we were supposed to memorize that I didn't even knew existed until just three days prior and freaked out just a little. The class filed in one by one, I stuck my tongue out at Shane when he arrived and waited for the instructions. Once actually taking the final, it wasn't so bad. I actually knew some of the drugs and the questions were only slightly tricky. I ended with a 89 on the final and a 95 in the course. Pretty damn good if I say so myself. I got a fancy certificate for passing and we all booked it out. I talked to Shane for a bit but we went our separate ways, though we drove in the same direction for a while. XD
Friday: Another day shift, another day waking up early. I decided I wanted to go to a party so Andy and Rachel, R, decided to make it happen. Once I got out, I added up my tips, bought rum, pineapple juice, and drove to Andy's. Sam was already there and she was helping Andy clean since his mom was coming with a car for him since his went caput a while ago. She didn't stay long so out came the booze. Rachel came over not much later, so shots of whiskey started. My total count for the night was five shots of whiskey and four rum and pineapple where the rum was getting stronger and stronger. More and more coworkers showed up, Jessica and Tj, which only added to the amount of children running around. Talk of Alysia and Jeremiah coming arose and everyone made it clear that he couldn't start shit with me or he'd be kicked out. But of course he couldn't act mature.
Thursday morning I woke up early feeling like my insides were ripped apart the night before, in a good way. Shane, formally known as the cute boy from class, seriously knows his shit and may or may not have caused me to bleed slightly from a punctured already misformed uterus. So I got dressed and drove my little bum to work and explained to Andy, A, that I needed to get off early. Leaving work at 6 when my final is 6:30 is not preferrable when school was across town and there's tons of construction traffic going down. Thankfully he understood and Alysia agreed to come in early so I left at 5. I'm sure Jeremiah, J, was more than thrilled I was leaving just as he was getting there. I sat outside in the wonderful sunshine in my stinky work clothes and studied.
When I went in and sat down in front of the computer, I was just slightly dreading the next two hours. I read the lists of drugs we were supposed to memorize that I didn't even knew existed until just three days prior and freaked out just a little. The class filed in one by one, I stuck my tongue out at Shane when he arrived and waited for the instructions. Once actually taking the final, it wasn't so bad. I actually knew some of the drugs and the questions were only slightly tricky. I ended with a 89 on the final and a 95 in the course. Pretty damn good if I say so myself. I got a fancy certificate for passing and we all booked it out. I talked to Shane for a bit but we went our separate ways, though we drove in the same direction for a while. XD
Friday: Another day shift, another day waking up early. I decided I wanted to go to a party so Andy and Rachel, R, decided to make it happen. Once I got out, I added up my tips, bought rum, pineapple juice, and drove to Andy's. Sam was already there and she was helping Andy clean since his mom was coming with a car for him since his went caput a while ago. She didn't stay long so out came the booze. Rachel came over not much later, so shots of whiskey started. My total count for the night was five shots of whiskey and four rum and pineapple where the rum was getting stronger and stronger. More and more coworkers showed up, Jessica and Tj, which only added to the amount of children running around. Talk of Alysia and Jeremiah coming arose and everyone made it clear that he couldn't start shit with me or he'd be kicked out. But of course he couldn't act mature.
02 June 2011
Of Course
I should call this blog "The Life & Times of a Vag". Because I'm itching to tell you my latest sexcapades. I'm still tingling from the adventure, though that might still be all that spice I smoked.
Of course the cute boy in class flirts with me on the last day. We were on the same team for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire style study game to review for the final tomorrow night. During the break we both went outside for a smoke and started talking. He asked if I studied with anyone from class and I said I haven't since I stopped being friends with another girl in class. So of course he suggested we study together and we exchanged numbers.
Once class was over, we decided to go to his place since it was the most convenient. We stopped to get some beer and got comfy at his house. Seriously, comfiest couch ever. Like legit. We drank some, smoked some, then he kissed me and we made out like crazy. I got pretty damn high, and I don't smoke often. I'm still feeling that shit. Of course we ended up in his bedroom, just like he said. That cocky bastard, haha. Though that was part of the allure, I love some confidence in a man. And did I mention the body? All muscly and hawt. Arms like oh my god, stomach like holy shit, and an adorable ass. Seeing that boy in the nude is a wonderful, wonderful sight.
Being thrown on his bed, choked, and boned like no tomorrow... I'm pretty sure he broke me. My period ended yesterday, and I was bleeding again. I have been punctured and it felt amazing. Of course we needed a second go around. Of course this is going to happen again. He is deff my new favorite playmate. We did talk and hang out, so there is the beginning of a friendship there. But mostly I do not want to keep my hands off him. Got to love just falling into lust and acting crazy.
I loooooove ruining one guy's day the same time I'm making anothers. =]
Of course the cute boy in class flirts with me on the last day. We were on the same team for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire style study game to review for the final tomorrow night. During the break we both went outside for a smoke and started talking. He asked if I studied with anyone from class and I said I haven't since I stopped being friends with another girl in class. So of course he suggested we study together and we exchanged numbers.
Once class was over, we decided to go to his place since it was the most convenient. We stopped to get some beer and got comfy at his house. Seriously, comfiest couch ever. Like legit. We drank some, smoked some, then he kissed me and we made out like crazy. I got pretty damn high, and I don't smoke often. I'm still feeling that shit. Of course we ended up in his bedroom, just like he said. That cocky bastard, haha. Though that was part of the allure, I love some confidence in a man. And did I mention the body? All muscly and hawt. Arms like oh my god, stomach like holy shit, and an adorable ass. Seeing that boy in the nude is a wonderful, wonderful sight.
Being thrown on his bed, choked, and boned like no tomorrow... I'm pretty sure he broke me. My period ended yesterday, and I was bleeding again. I have been punctured and it felt amazing. Of course we needed a second go around. Of course this is going to happen again. He is deff my new favorite playmate. We did talk and hang out, so there is the beginning of a friendship there. But mostly I do not want to keep my hands off him. Got to love just falling into lust and acting crazy.
I loooooove ruining one guy's day the same time I'm making anothers. =]
01 June 2011
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