A New Start

There's a lot that happened since I last wrote. I'm not even going to bother to catch everyone up. I'm just going to start back up where I am now. If you're actually curious about what I'm not divulging, simply ask. I'll tell.

As for now, I'm going to attempt to use this to keep myself in check. Trying to cut down on drinking and random hookups. I'm trying to be more responsible, though I don't see any of that actually happening. We'll see how this goes, I sure as hell need an outlet other than getting drunk and acting like a lunatic.

Uncertainty.

I'm writing this purely to waste time before nightfall so no one can see me cry as I walk through the neighborhood. I feel like the majority of the time I've been alone in the last week or two has been filled with depressive thoughts. Perhaps I really am meant to be alone. Perhaps I really am too difficult to be with as I've suspected all along.

As of right now, we're still together. Though I suspect that's only so it can happen face to face. He's unhappy with our relationship. He's taking the weekend to think things over, at my suggestion. Apparently at only three months into our relationship, my bad credit is a huge deal. He thinks I'm avoiding the situation, which to be fair I kind of am. But I am trying in certain areas. I have been applying for better job, cards to repair credit, even trying to contact the company I took my student loan from.

Besides from this one part, he's happy with me. He's said repeatedly how amazing I am to him, even when he's an asshole and doesn't deserve it. I've been trying harder than I have with any other relationship to make this work. I've been suppressing all my more unattractive qualities. I've been more easy going, less jealous, more accepting. I'm honestly completely in love with him and he says he is with me.

I'm supposed to be flying to Minnesota on the sixth to meet the rest of his family. How am I supposed to take a week off with his family if he's just going to end things when we get back? At the end of his drunken rant the other night, he says he's not leaving me because he'd regret it. I'm just hoping he still feels that way when he comes back.

Turtle Butt & Serious Rants About Motherhood

I got home earlier this afternoon from a wonderful overnight road trip with my lovely Erika. She brought me to her hometown so I could be her moral support in court for the custody battle of her son. It was a fun night and day of long discussions, weed, mouths on my favorite cylindrical object, laughs, laughs about the Village People, and a turtle coming on to while talking about the neck foreskin.

Seriously. A turtle was coming on to me. A fellow and I named the turtle Johnny Foreskin, before realizing it was female, because the neck was all wrinkled and silly looking. The turtle stared at me. Maybe because I valiantly saved her from certain death on the side of the road, maybe because I'm awesome, maybe because I'm hot to turtles. Regardless, it was staring at me. When I accused her of checking me out, she nodded. So I made fun of her wrinkly turtle butt.

The main post of this post, which I was going to make wicked serious but got terribly sidetracked, is about the reason we went to Concord. Erika had to be in court with her husband to deal with the issue regarding the custody of her son. This guy was a major tool bag and I wanted to punch him almost immediately in his smug, ugly face. He was enjoying her agony way too much and tried inciting a fight to the point the bailiff had to step in. The child isn't even biologically his, he just wants to cause grief.

After all this, when we were on our four hour drive back home, the serious discussions set in. We discussed what her husband has put her through, what Mike put me through. My shitty, abusive father, the trials of being a parent. Abortion, teenage motherhood, marriage. Literally anything having to do with the court case. Erika is my age, 22, and has two children. A seven year old daughter and a seven month old son, whom the custody battle is about.

I will say this straight out. I have NOTHING against teenage mothers. I love Erika to death and she got pregnant at fourteen. I have nothing against them, it just isn't my thing. I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm not done being a child myself to think about having one. I honestly don't believe myself to be emotionally or psychologically stable enough to be a mother. I just don't see myself doing it. To add onto it, my current situation is horrible for a child. I make barely any money, I'm lucky if I get twenty hours a week. I have no health insurance, no savings, and I'm horribly single. I wouldn't have the means to even afford a pregnancy.

I'm pro-choice. I've always believed the government shouldn't be able to pass a law that tells a woman whether or not she could choose to end a pregnancy. There are situations where it's extremely, well not beneficial, but ideal. Some pregnancies are life threatening to the mother, some children live horrible, short lives, some pregnancies are a product of rape, others just don't have the means to get proper health care during the pregnancy. At this point, I would get an abortion if I happened to get pregnant while I was whoring around. I'm not at a place in my life were I would be a good parent. Then again I say that now, but who knows what I'd actually do in the situation.

With all this said, when you do have a child, I don't understand how you would abandon it. I would just say I hate dead beat fathers, but mothers do it, too. Basically, bring a life into this world, fucking take care of it. Whether you give it up for adoption, giving it a loving home, or don't fucking have a kid. Don't be one of those losers who knocks up a chick and does nothing. No contact, no support, no presence. Single parents have it too hard, don't make things worse. A child needs their parents. Own up to your mistakes, you goddamn tool.


/rant

Final NDE & Aren't You Pretty?

Today is the conclusion of my series about near death experiences. I wanted to save this one for last for two reasons. Firstly, I love Jamie's face. He is my gaybe (gay babe), my love, one of my closer bloggie friends. Jamie is simply amazing and always knows how to cheer me up when I'm having a rough time. Even when we had our fake fight, we got closer. Seriously, this boy has major real estate in my heart. And to stop this ranting... Secondly, it's a funny one liner meant to left everyone's spirits. 




* I once had a nine inch bone stuck in my throat, but then he took it out. *


See, I told you. Awesome. =]


So quick recap on nothingness. Dyed my hair. Don't worry, it's only sightly darker and hardly noticeable. Only something to cover the greys and therefore the proof I'm getting old. 


I got my big girl license! I will no longer be eyed suspiciously when buying alcohol with a minor's id that has a sixteen picture of me that barely passes for twelve. It's pretty exciting stuff considering it means that after a year, I am officially a resident of the state of North Carolina. I even got a fancy organ donor heart.


I decided I'm retarded and can't read. I've been freaking out for the last two weeks because I thought my car's registration expired this past Monday and have been running all over creation attempting to get it inspected. Luckily Momz is smarter than me and realized it expires September so I'll be able to get everything in my name afterall.


And I guess the feather in my cap later is all the flirtatious remarks I've been getting. I'm actually feeling attractive and I'm enjoying it. Granted none of the flirters are exactly relationship or even hook up worthy, but hey. The ego boost is something.

Being an Adult... I Don't Like It

I was responsible today. It was sort of strange. I woke up before ten, was showered, dressed, and in Jacksonville by 11am. Though I have to admit I was rocking leggings and shorts so short my ass would've been falling out without aforementioned leggings. I went to Mom's insurance company to discuss a liability policy. Sat there for about half an hour before learning I would have to go someone where else. I went and cashed my check, purchasing a fancy card to fix my direct deposit issue. From there it was the second insurance company.

Apparently they boned me. I didn't realize until about an hour ago when Mom was reading through the mountain of papers I got. I was slapped with about 250$ more than necessary and was charged for a debit card that I "didn't need to use, it's only there if I wish." Well, then why did you charge me if I'm most likely not using it? Life insurance, no thanks. Way not to tell me it was optional. I hate insurance companies.

BUT. I got my license transferred. I passed the silly eye test, the permit test, and took my fancy photo. I even took my lip ring out. I mean it's going to be my photo for eight years, unless of course I change states again, I should look like an adult. North Carolina even lets you pick which of four watermarks you want. I choose the lighthouse, obviously. Mom even guessed that would be the one I picked. "Did it remind you of home?" Damn straight it did!

I've decided I don't like being an adult. I really disliked talking about payment plans, accidents, and shelling out money. I would like a little more than a few pieces of paper for 200$, but that might just be me...