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Hello dear friend, I hope you have missed me just as much if not more than I have missed you. I lost power and internet privileges for multiple days then I was holed up in a hotel room half naked and not completely sober.

But that is a different story.

Though we might come back to it in time, as it may intertwine through the message of the following clip of writing.

This is the story of a girl desperately trying to write a biography of her disorder. Of her self destructive nature. Of her hurtful coping mechanisms. The instruments that have numbing qualities that may or may not include alcohol, drugs, knives, and self wallowing.

This is the story of a girl who's trying to fix everything but in the end can't fix a damn thing. This girl is growing older and not learning anything new. This girl will only be this age for another two days. This girl wanted to spill about her weekend full of sex, old friends, alcohol, and her upcoming birthday, but got distracted. Distracted like a a child would with the sound of jingling keys.

This too shall pass and maybe later this week, if I remain sober enough through the birthday partying, I'll let you know about my first time on ecstasy.

Unrequited Love

Love is a funny thing. Two people meeting in a random occurrence that grow together in such a way they feel more themselves with the other. Being without your partner makes you feel as though you're missing a limb. Love is an emotion so deep and complicated it's often misinterpreted. Lust, infatuation, need, convenience. It's turned into a word that's thrown around with such little thought, it has lost almost all meaning. I have claimed to love almost every man I've been in a relationship with, but have I actually had that love for each of them? No, I didn't. I said it because they had said it to me and it was expected I feel the same. Sometimes I said it out of habit, other times just because I wanted to feel that way. Though I believe false love isn't the form that hurts most.

Unrequited love is an extremely complicated emotion. Being in love, truely, with a person but never being able to express it seems to hurt much worse. Love needs to be returned, love needs to be felt. Sometimes it's a friend, other times someone you've never physically met, but it all feels the same. You're willing to give up your life for them, do anything to make them happy, but they don't know how you feel. Love knows no bounds, state lines, country boundaries, time zones. Love exists whether we want it to or not. Unrequited love breaks hearts based on missed opportunities, wrong times. It breaks hearts because most aren't willing to give up their comfortable lives on the risk, especially when separate countries are involved.

I've been in this situation before, though in position most wouldn't expect for me. I'm the one who tends to fall fast and hard, though that has been changing more recently. About two years ago through some chance through random messaging boards, I met the most amazing boy from Canada. We had spoken constantly from when we met in mid-May and quickly became great friends. We shared practically everything and I missed me when we weren't able to talk. He was one of my closest friends, I did have feelings for him but I mostly ignored them considering I lived in America and he was in Canada. I made sure I only thought of him as a friend in order to protect myself and still casually flirted with men in my area. Every time we discussed our days, I never noticed how it hurt him to hear about the people I met and became interested in. Soon we had discussed him coming to visit me. I was more excited than ever, one of my best friends was finally coming to see me. Then I moved to my college town the first of August.

Love Hate Relationship

I'm seriously having a massive love hate relationship with my internet service as of late. I can perhaps get on for five minutes a week, and that's consumed with school work. So as a result, my blog is epically suffering. I've posted once in the last month and I hate that. It's awful, I should be banned from the world of blogging for my horrible follow through. Or just kick Brother in the face for ruining the internet in the first place. Doesn't he know I have important things to do that require the usages of the magnificant interwebs?! Gosh.

Well last check in, I believe I had a boyfriend that I was saving the next post to spill about. Sorry folks, he's no longer in the picture. Along with the internet, I also have a love hate relationship with relationships. I'm horrible at commitment. The minute they go good, I ruin them. It's a sad but true fact about me and I'm generally the first to admit it. Granted he dumped me, but I didn't fight too hard for it. He wasn't exactly worth it in my mind anyways. Who needs a younger man, I think all the cougars have it wrong. They're simply more immature and more likely to run at the first sign of conflict. He was kind of a huge douche. I also lost my only friend in the area during this breakup. She took his side and started treating me like shit, honestly who needs that. I certainly don't.

I'm Back!

Internet is back, hopefully for good this time. But I for one, am not holding my breath. Mom likes to randomly disconnect it if Brother or I aren't fulfilling some insane code of conduct. The fact that I have online school has little impact on her decisions. I hope for your sake, it stays on more permanently.

I'm now in school. I'm taking a course to be trained as a pharmacy technician. I really enjoy it so far, just a lot of memorization. I think I can handle it, though. I'm still unemployed to my dismay. I've been applying all over the place, a few interviews, but nothing. Aw boo to my life.

On a better note, I shut down my no dating rule. I am still on the celibacy thing, for now, but Boyfriend is wonderful. We've been together for about two and half weeks now. He thinks my accent is adorable, and I think he's adorable for thinking so. Boyfriend is two years younger, but he only acts it occasionally. Overall, I'm pretty damn happy.

I'll try to check back in tomorrow. =D

I Suck

I am so sorry I haven't posted in like, two weeks. It's not my fault, I promise. I have been internet-less and suffering from blogger withdrawal. It's getting pretty intense, I've had to distract myself with outside sources. Like boys. =] But I'll save that story for when this arrangement becomes more permanent. I hope you guys have been well and I hope to have full access soon enough to start posting regularly again!

Much love, Jess.