Up Late & Annoyed

I'm awake at 2:25am and I'm annoyed.
I have work at 9am and I cannot sleep because I'm annoyed.
Momz is being super judge-y and annoying me.

Isaiah, the boyfriend, is moving into Nana's house next week when she leaves for the season. Now Momz is all up in my grill about how it's not such a good idea for him to be there. And how that doesn't mean I shouldn't come home. She keeps saying how we don't really know him.

Well, let's see. I understand I've only been with him for a short while, two months today in fact, but that doesn't mean much to me. I am in love with him. I have met his family while I spent Easter weekend with them and will be meeting the rest when I spend a week in Minnesota next month. We talk about everything, including plans to move in together. He wants to now, I told him to wait until end of summer. But if Momz keeps getting on my case, I might just do that earlier than planned.

I want to move in with Isaiah. I can't get enough of spending time with him and love falling asleep and waking up next to him. I feel like I'm finally getting something right. I still a little panicky and nervous sometimes, but that's because this is real and he loves me so passionately. I haven't felt this loved in years. Or wanted. I was just trying to do the right thing and be practical rather than act on my emotions.

Maybe it's a time for a little impulse.

Enter a New Perspective

I look back to my last post and I feel a little uneasy on how lost I felt then. In a few short months I'm in a much better place and feeling much different about myself and life. I'm still slightly unsure on what everything means and where to go from here, but I'm not as petrified anymore. It's all thanks to one major change in my life. I'll try to catch you up as well as I can.

In the weeks that followed that last update of mine, I had ups and downs. I attempted to fill the emotional ache I felt with physical encounters. I made a few new male playmates and toyed with a few of their hearts. I'm not too proud of that, but I was in a low place. Then one night I went to a strip club, my first, with a friend from work. I proceeded to get drunk, invite every guy I was seeing, and hand out as many singles as I could afford. Only one guy showed up and I'm actually pretty happy about that.

His name was Isaiah and we hadn't actually met in person before that night. I was a mess, drunk, and in work clothes, but he took everything in stride. We had a fun time there, changed locales for dinner, then talked and joked and laughed. I felt so immediately close with him. We spent the next few nights with each other driving to different towns and adventuring. He fit in so perfectly with me and was just about as crazy as I am.

We met on Monday, by Friday I knew I wanted him for myself. Even with all my commitment issues and my fear of being confined, I was more afraid to lose him. We spent our first night together, had our first time, and simply enjoyed each other's company into the next day. By the way, waiting a week was pretty good for me, Just saying.

He's an absolute sweetheart and gentleman. Isaiah's about a foot taller than me, a Marine, amazing blue green eyes, cuddler, has about the cutest smile, from Minnesota and genuinely cares about me. I forgot what that felt like. For someone to actually want to see me everyday and miss me when I'm gone. He's patient with me through all my issues and is willing to wait until I'm ready to take the next step. A few weeks in, he told me he loved me. It took me about half an hour to get the courage to say it back and when I did, there were tears in my eyes. I get so paranoid when I open up and make myself vulnerable. But he was so amazing throughout everything.

I still get little twinges of my nerves every once in a while but I much rather deal with that than not having him around. He's making me feel better about myself, considering he calls me beautiful several times a day, and loves all my quirks. I'm trying so hard to make this work. I'm being understanding, open, and non judgmental. Or at least I'm trying to be. This is a relationship I can actually see going somewhere and I'm trying to go against my nature and not mess it up.

Surprisingly, we've already discussed moving in together. At the moment, I still live at home and he lives in the barracks on base. Neither are very ideal places. He's ready to take this major step now, but I'm not so sure about it. We came to the agreement that we'd save up money and if we still want to, we'd find a place at the end of the summer. Though we recently had another opportunity present itself. My nana only lives here part time and has offered her place to him this summer. Of course he wants me there with him. I told him it would be part time for me, but we'll see how that goes.

As for other things going on in my life other than my love life. I had to replace my windshield with money I didn't have after a flying metal object smashed it. Luckily my boss loaned me money to fix it. Who is also giving me a raise, finally, after almost a year of being there. Oh, I should probably mention my hospitalization.

One day at work a little over a month ago, I stayed late to do some extra work. I was slicing cheese and sliced off part of my left pinky with it. I had to get five stitches and miss a few days of work. Those days weren't too shabby. I spent them high off my butt on percocets. Plus I got babied around the house and with the boyfriend. He was pretty damn awesome during that. And during my jaw infection the week prior. Poor guy had to deal with a sickly Jess basically the whole first month of us being together. But the scar on my finger looks like a turtle and we named it Norman.

That, I think pretty much sums it up! Here's to hoping I get back into the habit of writing!

Turtle Butt & Serious Rants About Motherhood

I got home earlier this afternoon from a wonderful overnight road trip with my lovely Erika. She brought me to her hometown so I could be her moral support in court for the custody battle of her son. It was a fun night and day of long discussions, weed, mouths on my favorite cylindrical object, laughs, laughs about the Village People, and a turtle coming on to while talking about the neck foreskin.

Seriously. A turtle was coming on to me. A fellow and I named the turtle Johnny Foreskin, before realizing it was female, because the neck was all wrinkled and silly looking. The turtle stared at me. Maybe because I valiantly saved her from certain death on the side of the road, maybe because I'm awesome, maybe because I'm hot to turtles. Regardless, it was staring at me. When I accused her of checking me out, she nodded. So I made fun of her wrinkly turtle butt.

The main post of this post, which I was going to make wicked serious but got terribly sidetracked, is about the reason we went to Concord. Erika had to be in court with her husband to deal with the issue regarding the custody of her son. This guy was a major tool bag and I wanted to punch him almost immediately in his smug, ugly face. He was enjoying her agony way too much and tried inciting a fight to the point the bailiff had to step in. The child isn't even biologically his, he just wants to cause grief.

After all this, when we were on our four hour drive back home, the serious discussions set in. We discussed what her husband has put her through, what Mike put me through. My shitty, abusive father, the trials of being a parent. Abortion, teenage motherhood, marriage. Literally anything having to do with the court case. Erika is my age, 22, and has two children. A seven year old daughter and a seven month old son, whom the custody battle is about.

I will say this straight out. I have NOTHING against teenage mothers. I love Erika to death and she got pregnant at fourteen. I have nothing against them, it just isn't my thing. I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm not done being a child myself to think about having one. I honestly don't believe myself to be emotionally or psychologically stable enough to be a mother. I just don't see myself doing it. To add onto it, my current situation is horrible for a child. I make barely any money, I'm lucky if I get twenty hours a week. I have no health insurance, no savings, and I'm horribly single. I wouldn't have the means to even afford a pregnancy.

I'm pro-choice. I've always believed the government shouldn't be able to pass a law that tells a woman whether or not she could choose to end a pregnancy. There are situations where it's extremely, well not beneficial, but ideal. Some pregnancies are life threatening to the mother, some children live horrible, short lives, some pregnancies are a product of rape, others just don't have the means to get proper health care during the pregnancy. At this point, I would get an abortion if I happened to get pregnant while I was whoring around. I'm not at a place in my life were I would be a good parent. Then again I say that now, but who knows what I'd actually do in the situation.

With all this said, when you do have a child, I don't understand how you would abandon it. I would just say I hate dead beat fathers, but mothers do it, too. Basically, bring a life into this world, fucking take care of it. Whether you give it up for adoption, giving it a loving home, or don't fucking have a kid. Don't be one of those losers who knocks up a chick and does nothing. No contact, no support, no presence. Single parents have it too hard, don't make things worse. A child needs their parents. Own up to your mistakes, you goddamn tool.


/rant

Confusion

Once upon a time, there was a very confused girl. She felt very alone and wanted the comfort of someone beside her. She thought about this constantly, mainly because it had been so long since she experienced that feeling. In an attempt to numb that need, she puts the physical needs far ahead of the emotional ones though it never helps for long.

The emotional wants always come back. She spends most her days watching her friends and hearing stories about their marriages and children realizing she's being left behind. She's the lone single girl in a sea of married women and their families. Its making her biological tick much louder than it should at this age, considering she's no where near ready for children.

Suddenly, she notices this boy. It begins as something silly, then grows slightly. She finds him absolutely adorable and wishes he would notice her in a way that's less than platonic. She talks to him a lot and really enjoys his friendship. She tortures herself over this infatuation because she knows it would never work between them.

There's this other boy, who's been mentioned here before, who also caught her eye. He still jokes around and flirts with her and she enjoys it. One night he asks her what she is doing after work and they go to a local fast food place for dinner, since that is the only place open at that time of night. Both are exhausted so the outing is boring and low key. A week later, this girl asks if he wants to try again.

She goes to the store near by to shop while waiting and gets his number from another coworker whom she's avoiding. After a quick dinner, they sit in their cars talking. After moving to another location, they continue talking. She may have slipped that she had a crush on him. They talk for nearly an hour before retiring to their homes.

This girl has officially decided she was in denial about liking this boy. He's three years younger than her and a coworker, so it's all kinds of horrible in the making. Hence making her very confused. And the lack of blogging in the past week.

I've been horrible this week. I've been working and had horrible writer's block. I've had so much swimming around in my head that I haven't been able to put it into coherent sentences. I suck.

Work Relations

I'm going to tell you a story today. I'm not sure how it ends just yet, but perhaps you can write it for me. Or maybe you'll make me wait and find out on my own, which would be a little mean.

So I've been working at my current job for almost three months now. I've finally started acting like myself there and I don't think some people understand my personality. Up until now, I only talked openly with a few people. I've started feeling comfortable with most of these people and decided maybe it was time for them to actually know me. For the people that do know me, you know I'm extremely sarcastic, kind of a douche, and a slight perv. I basically have the personality of a man, teamed with slight emotional instability.

I've been closing a lot as a driver lately, which entails that me along with another driver or two and the supervisor are stuck there until everything is spotless. This sometimes lasts two hours after close, depending how late we're out on deliveries or how busy it was that night. Most of the time, I close with the guys. Both Chris and Tj are recently single, so their jokes have become increasingly sexual and being myself, I can go to par with them. Sometimes I give them a look of sheer embarrassment if someone mentions one of them "double teaming" the dishes with me, sometimes I pretend to be offended if they try to avoid swiping my ass when squeezing by in the tight spaces by the sinks.

The Dirty of Doing the Dirty

I was listening to talk radio on the way home tonight. The segment on was called "Hope Line" and people called in asking for advice on an array of different situations. Anything from money problems to man whore lifestyles. The latter sparked a massive debate with the listeners. So maybe I should give you this man's back story.

This man, about 28 year old, has a problem with commitment. After sleeping with a girl three or four times, he is no longer attracted to her and hits the road. He believes this stems from his high school years where after shagging number three, his friends encouraged him to make a game out of it. Like, how many girls can you bang, and how many can you date at one time? He wouldn't admit to how many girls he had run through, but did say it was over one hundred. Yes, one hundred women have had this penis inside them. Weird. But don't worry, he's been tested and is clean. Woo yoo! Great for him. Well, it seems as of now, said man wants to break this habit, hence him calling this advice hotline.

The majority of the listening population screamed for counsoling. He needs to get his sex addiction in check! He's trying to get validation through women, whom he treats like objects! He's an awful, awful person! I'm sure most were also screaming whore, but I guess this talk show was just a touch too clean for such a word. If I was that deejay, I would've been fired for laughing at all the comments.