Winter Blues

I go for my certification in just a few days.

After waiting a year and a half  for the  green light, I'm finally able to take the exam that will give me the slight extra responsibility at work. I'll be thankful I won't have to be buried in pharmacological texts.

Add that stress to my normal winter funk... I really hate this time of year. The holidays remind  most people of family. All it makes me think of is death. We're coming up on three years without my brother. His suicide just magnifies my depression and suicidal thoughts.

Just before Thanksgiving I relapsed. It had been over a year since I had hurt myself. Then I spent one month  cutting myself just about everyday. I didn't tell anyone until last night. The only reason I even told him was the possibility of him seeing my scars the next time I see him...

I seriously hate winter.

Another Spiral

So here we are. Restriction is over and it seems I've gotten the answer to my worries.

There's been no contact. No phone call, no text returning mine, no meeting. Appears all my fears were well founded and are now confirmed. I've put myself into the exact situation I didn't want to be in. I swore off emotions months ago so I wouldn't have to feel like I do now. But he wore me down and broke through the walls I had up.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, though I'll blame that on the Notebook, listening to depressing country songs, and thinking about everything I did wrong and those I've loved in the past. Granted I'm not in love currently, that's where my mind tends to go. Quite often in fact.

Perhaps I'm thinking over past loves because I've been talking to one recently. He was the last serious relationship I had and apparently I made an impression. We were good for each other and surprisingly I'm a compassionate and considerate girlfriend. But we wanted different things with our lives and it never would have gone further.

Then I think about the last person I fell for, which didn't end well. I suppose that's when my walls began to go up. I fell hard completely only to be crushed. So I don't trust people. Because of him, because of the infamous ex, because of death, because of experience.

I'm fighting the urge to hurt myself. I know where my scalpel is and I want to use it. Not because a boy stood me up. But because of the constant feelings of inadequacy I've had lately. I've been having bouts of depression again. I've been feeling that I'm never going to be good enough or accomplish anything. All I want to do is stay in bed forever and pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it certainly isn't going to miss me.

The screen is beginning to blur more and more as the tears start to fall again. I don't have really anyone to talk to. I have some friends, but no one I could call at 1am and just cry to. I honestly don't think I have anyone that would be there for me through anything. I would be there for them, but probably not for me.

I'm leaving these headphones on and leaving my phone across the room. I'm blocking it all out.

Delayed Ramblings

So I'm kind of an emotional wreck nowadays. Anything that resembles commitment scares me off. A guy asking me for a date has me making excuses, fake boyfriends. I don't want to let anyone else in. I'm afraid of giving someone every weapon they need to destroy everything I am. Because of this, I put all stock into the physical. If I'm craving closeness, I attempt to get someone in bed. Though that hasn't worked yet, but I have tried. I envision myself naked with more people than I care to admit.

I'm still blaming Rob's death on love and commitment no matter how wrong that is. I honestly believe he would still be alive if not for his feelings for someone. The accident was a result of a love spat and his eventual death was him giving up. I'm not ready to die, no matter how many times I visualize it. The days of me wanting to live greatly outnumber the days I consider driving into oncoming traffic.

I'm getting lonely. Lately I've actually been getting hours and been working as much as I can. I've been trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied. But in those slow moments when I'm driving or when Facebook shows me something about Rob, I have to fight back tears. I have to force myself to stop picturing our last moments together, our last conversation. I didn't think he was so important to me until he was gone.

I want nothing more than to cuddle in bed with someone who cares about me. I want to be wanted. I'm being pretty damn self destructive with this anti commitment and love thing I'm going through. The people I want to be with are all in Massachusetts and I would kill for the chance to see them again. Husband is offering to pay for my plane ticket up there and to take care of me for a week. I'm currently trying to figure out if I could afford to take a week off work. If I have to live off ramen for awhile, I'm completely willing.

I want my family back.

*I was just about to post this but got pulled to Facebook for some reason or another. On my profile, Rob is the first person listed. I can kill myself now.

Saturday marked one month since Rob was in a car accident, the day his expiration date read one week. I'm still angry. I've denounced any emotional attachments to people that could potentially hurt me somewhere in the distant or not so distant future. I've decided that being single is the best possible thing for me right now while simultaneously having dreams about marriage and pregnancy. My brain is in such a state of contradiction I'm pretty sure it's peaking at World Record status.

I've had almost no voice for almost a week now. I talk as little as possible, though I still find myself talking about the death. I miss my ghetto Canadian. I miss walking through the neighborhood smoking cigars like we're cool kids. I voice my fears and losses even when I don't have a voice. The funny part in all this, I'm getting hit on more with no voice and state of constant anger.

I want to be back on my Cape Cod beaches. The ocean was always the one constant in my life, even though it's ever changing. The rolling waves crashing against the jetties always had a way of straightening out my thoughts.

100 Deep

Welcome to my 100th post on this little blog of mine. It's taken me almost four years but we did it. I'm not sure how much I accomplished with this but I stuck to it after some coaxing. I started off as an overly emotional teen looking for an outlet and now I'm an emotionally confused young adult trying to figure out life.

If you've ever read my few posts from 2007, you'd know I was a young girl in love that didn't understand why life never went my way. I was with my ex fiancee and so in love, but the warning sides of the crumbling relationship had begun to show. I didn't have much friends, since I wans't exactly allowed them. We fought constantly and I felt worse off with him than I would without me. There were good times, but those were rare and far between. I really wish I had stuck with this, might have helped me out a lot.

Here's some excerpts from the early days.

Mike means everything to me and I'm so happy I have him. He's the best thing I could have ever hoped for. He treats me the way only the most special girls deserve. I'm so happy he's considering going to South Carolina with me. It makes everything so much easier. And he's completely ecsatic about the fact that he now has a job and will have money on a regular basis, a good chunk too. I love him more than anything and I always will. And he claims that he will never find anyone that he loves more than me. Which, is the best thing I have ever heard.

Everything is beginning to fall apart and I no longer know what to do anymore. I feel as if I should question anything and everything that is happening but also feel like I should just cave in. Somehow everything seems to be my fault and I don't do anything. All I do is go to school, work, and hang out with Mike. But yet I'm the cause of everyone's problems. ... It just seems so hard to keep this going when all everyone does is talk about me behind my back spreading all these rumors that aren't true. I'm honestly not sure what he does and does not believe. I think the vision he had of me has changed for the worse and that I'll no longer seem worthy to him in his eyes. It feels so horrible to have no one to talk to anymore. There is no one for me to vent with and I'm forced to keep half of all this to myself. I can't exactly tell him that I feel this way. That would just make me seem insecure and helpless.

I disappeared for three years. Mainly because I forgot about this. I forgot about most anything related to my writing, it was easier that way.

I came back this past December and I've been posting pretty regularly, with the exception of my sans internet days in January. I've blogged about silly topics with the attempt to keep your attention, from zombies to serial killers. When it comes to real topics, there's been everything from loneliness to heartbreak to love. At this point in time I've been overcome with heartbreak and I'm back to the emotionally confused individual you all know and love. Emotions freak me out and I try to keep people at a distance. I blame Mike, I honestly do.

I'm paranoid, untrusting, and the slightest interest in me freaks me out. Take Coworker, we're going on a date tomorrow and I'm freaking. He's completely interested in me and I can't handle the attention. Despite the fact I'm in love with someone else that I can't be with, I just can't get my head around this situation. He's tried putting his arm around me a few times and I shy away. I just act awkward and stare at the ground. I honestly feel bad regardless of the fact I have explained to him multiple times he'll need to be patient with me. But we'll see how it all goes.

Knowing me I'll just bone his brains out and send him on his way. The physical is the only thing I have been able to handle these past few years. But this is me, I can't even begin to hide it.

You Sir, Are a Whore

I started writing again. When I was younger, I was a hardcore poet. I could whip out a poem a day, sometimes more, and the majority of them were actually wicked good. When I was dating the infamous bastard of all exes, I stopped. All he and his group of friends did was make fun of the emo kids and egg them on in the suicidal process. Well see, my poems were on the depressing side about 75% of the time. It was the way I worked things out. Things always seemed better when I could write down what was bothering me. But since all I heard everyday was comments about how those type of people might as well kill themselves, I stopped. I just couldn't write anything when I knew the person I loved most would just laugh if he were to ever find my notebook. I have had one or two writing periods in the last two years, but it never really lasted. I really hope this one does.

I've started back up all over the board. I have a few structured, rhymed poems, and then my favorite free verse ones. But then I have a spoken word. It's about the ex, I figured that would be a good place to start. I wrote about how I hate him for ruining me. How I'm emotionally and psychologically fucked to the point I can't have a decent relationship. I honestly blame him for the way I have turned out. He was such a whore after we broke up. He slept with half the girls he met along with stringing me along on the side. It kind of sucked hardcore. And it messed me up, I'm the first to admit it.

If I get something toegther enough, I may share it with you. Until then, so long my loves.

A Word Of Caution

It has only been a few hours since I posted but I was stuck with boredom and that resulted in my reading the few posts I did make in '07. I kind of saw a problem with them and wanted to address it.

I'm no longer that so-called "emo child" or the hopelessly naive girl that I was in high school. Yes, I may have certain bouts of the residual emotional crap or depression but I'm better at hiding it. I think I learned over the years tears get you nowhere and neither does love. All of those issues and weaknesses that followed me out of high school all the way to college have turned a bit colder and I hear the term bitch a lot. Either that, or two faced bitch, because I have the habit of only being sweet when necessary. Nowadays, I rather be my own person than depend on another, it only gets a person into trouble and leave them with nothing. I am my own person and I'll rely on only myself. I mean come on, guys really like telling me I should be set on fire. Kind of funny when you think about it. XD Why put someone into the position of making such empty threats and just eliminate any possibilities.

For now, I'm going to be alone. These internet relationships with friends from back home are about all I can handle.

In Need Of Help.

Everything is beginning to fall apart and I no longer know what to do anymore. I feel as if I should question anything and everything that is happening but also feel like I should just cave in. Somehow everything seems to be my fault and I don't do anything. All I do is go to school, work, and hang out with Mike. But yet I'm the cause of everyone's problems. It's somehow my fault that everyone hates me. Half his friends hate cause I somehow changed him and turned him into the so-called "bitch". And now the person I've known the longest seems to hate me because of this. Saying how she's going to cut him off because he wasn't there for her. It seems like everyone is against me for some reason and I cannot deal with it. As I'm writing this I'm on the verge of tears because I feel like I cannot do anything right and shouldn't bother anymore. I honestly cannot wait until I graduate next year. I need to get away from Cape Cod and these ignorant people. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and I can be who I want to be. Not constantly watching my back just in case I get blamed for something else. I already plan to cut everyone off this summer, with the exception of my boyfriend. But it seems like even he doesn't want to be around me. Lately he's seemed slightly angry and I'm not sure if it's because of me. Part of me thinks it is and I don't know what to do about that. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him after all this and I never want that to happen. It just seems so hard to keep this going when all everyone does is talk about me behind my back spreading all these rumors that aren't true. I'm honestly not sure what he does and does not believe. I think the vision he had of me has changed for the worse and that I'll no longer seem worthy to him in his eyes. It feels so horrible to have no one to talk to anymore. There is no one for me to vent with and I'm forced to keep half of all this to myself. I can't exactly tell him that I feel this way. That would just make me seem insecure and helpless. I need to take some days to myself but I can't do that. I'd miss him too much. I think I should seriously ditch the Cape for awhile but I have no where to go. I hate this place and I cannot stand the majority of the people here. Please take me away from this place someone and help me through all this. I have no idea what to do and I'm losing it.

Nothing.

I'm going crazy and have nothing to do.

I hate this.