I Hate Myself

I'm finally home after two days and I've washed off the scent of regret. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep again tonight or cause another coworker to quit. It's been a tough day to say the least.

I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.

The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.

Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.

Drunk Conversations & Flirtations

From last night to tonight, I'm finding humor in the things we say while intoxicated. I may have wrote way too much in my post last night and may have drunkenly attempted to talk to a few people. I don't really regret any of it, but I kind of wish I wasn't so close to my computer during that. Oh well.

Tonight I'm getting drunk texts from a coworker trying to get me to cuddle. Apparently all that side pinching and teasing was flirting. Go figure. Might also explain why he poked my nose in the walk-in yesterday. Hmm... I have to admit it's pretty amusing to read "Oh god I need you I need you now" from someone who've only had passing conversations with. I personally think he's just looking for a rebound since his recent break up, even though he claims that not to be the case.

Part of me really likes the attention considering the major blow my ego took yesterday. It makes me feel attractive and wanted, even if just in the physical sense. Unfortunately for him I need longer than a 24hour grieving period to put the pieces of my heart back together. Also unfortunately for him, I'm not interested in sex. I mean, I was last night but I was upset and on a mission. But now that I'm more in a normal state, it's just not what I want. I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I've been celibate since September. I came close to breaking it back in February, but I don't count a two second penetration. This was my way of delaying my number increasing. So far it's been a little frustrating, but that's what lesbian porn and Fernando are for.

I just wish my stomach would settle. I'm sure it's punishing me for drinking most of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach. Gosh, I always knew my life was charmed.

I'm Back!

Internet is back, hopefully for good this time. But I for one, am not holding my breath. Mom likes to randomly disconnect it if Brother or I aren't fulfilling some insane code of conduct. The fact that I have online school has little impact on her decisions. I hope for your sake, it stays on more permanently.

I'm now in school. I'm taking a course to be trained as a pharmacy technician. I really enjoy it so far, just a lot of memorization. I think I can handle it, though. I'm still unemployed to my dismay. I've been applying all over the place, a few interviews, but nothing. Aw boo to my life.

On a better note, I shut down my no dating rule. I am still on the celibacy thing, for now, but Boyfriend is wonderful. We've been together for about two and half weeks now. He thinks my accent is adorable, and I think he's adorable for thinking so. Boyfriend is two years younger, but he only acts it occasionally. Overall, I'm pretty damn happy.

I'll try to check back in tomorrow. =D

I Left My House

Seriously, I left my house today. I got up, showered, and got all dolled up. I looked adorable, but my heels gave my baby toe a blister and I probably shouldn't have popped it. Ugh. I drove into Jacksonville for a job interview this afternoon, and fingers crossed! I seriously need this job like no tomorrow. I bought myself new clothes with my Christmas money and I feel like such a lady. Except you probably don't see a girl in wedge heels and dressy clothes with a black hanging out her mouth very often. What can I say, I'm a different brand of girl.

While I was out, I ran into a cute boy I had met the other day. We spoke very quickly because he was working and I was running out the door. I didn't shamelessly flirt. Progress! I mention this mainly because of my New Year's Resolutions. These are going to sound crazy to most but I'm going to try to stick to them.