Repeating the Motions

This is to help you get into my mindset.

In keeping with my previous posts of substance, I'm still all lovesick without a love interest. My heart is aching to act adorable with someone. I'm not sure how to handle it, I haven't been able to deal with a strong emotion that left me so vulnerable in such a long time. I've perhaps been in real love once in the past three years, since the dreaded ex fiancee.

I feel like I've gone over this story over and over again (I have) and I feel like I'm still dealing with the end results (I am). It's my favorite evil ex story and my most intense. I blame him for most of what I've become, I've written letters I'll never send, I silently curse his name to the night sky when I'm alone and miserable. I hate him more than I've ever hated an individual somedays, while other days it's like he never existed. I gave him everything I had and all I got in return was self hatred, debt, and no college. 

I'm laying here listening to this song on repeat and I can't help but wish I had someone to direct all this aching emotion towards. I long to be in love, yet it scares me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm afraid to go back down the road of depression, self abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I know I've grown stronger since I was nineteen, but I know how easy it is to slip back and that frightens me. 

This Is A Hard One

Here's another spoken word letter. It's a little hard to get out and I won't be surprised if I'm in tears by the end of this post. But it's almost 4am and I need to get something out and it might as well be the worst of my past. Here goes nothing.

It's taken me two years to get to this point, but I'm nowhere near okay. I'm tired of getting yelled at, tired of getting hurt. I hate you for ruining me. I hate you for a lot of things, but mainly that. You did ruin me, whether you think you did or not. You were my love, my life for so long, what did you think would happrn? I stopped writing for so long it hurt, mostly because every line I wrote on the page is filled with the heartbreak you caused me. I was emotionally tortured for a year. All you did was use me for sex. You said you loved me still, got in my pants, and the second it was over, so were we. No wonder I'm so fucked up in that department. You taught me the only way someone would love me was by sleeping with them. The only worthwhile part of me lays in my pants. Most of my relationships, whether they be casual or serious, revolve around sex and I blame you for that. I'm paranoid, untrusting, angry, and it's all your fault. Sometimes I wonder what made us go from happily engaged to you wanting to hurt me so badly. I was in therapy, on antidepressants, hurting myself, seriously considering ending it all. All because of what you did to me. I still cry sometimes, still think about hurting myself. The only difference now is those moments usually include some sort of alcohol to numb myself. It's getting hard to explain away the scars. My actions are getting complicated to explain away. You are so engraved in everything I do, I can't cut it out two years, hell almost three years later. I hate it. I moved five states away and still can't escape you. You like popping up every once in a while to see how I'm doing. I have a feeling it's to make sure I'm still regretting you. I'd never had a single regret in my life and you changed that. I regret you. You took the greatest love of my life, one I wanted until I grew old, and ruined it. Changed it into something so ugly that no one can recognize what it used to be. You manipulated me, tortured me, used me, made me hate so many things. I just want this to fade away. I just want you to let me go. I'm officially begging. Just let me go. 

That. Sucked.

I Love The Way You Lie...

The most significant romantic relationship in my life lasted from February 10th 2007 to sometime in late June 2008. It became an on again off again complicated mess with ties being cut multiple times and broken promises of silence for another year. And while the relationship was never abusive, it sort of became the way in that messed up second year. No, never physical. He never hit me or land a hand on me in a hurtful manner. It was that sneakier way of abusing someone, that kind that sticks around much longer than the person. That's why, now over a year later, I'm still feeling it.

I'll take you back to the beginning. We met the summer of '05 and Mike was immediately smitten with me. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend, that was the summer I met my first real love and I couldn't be bothered with another guy. We didn't speak until the following year, around the end of my relationship with my first love. Once it was over, we started hanging out and I began to feel for him what he did for me and we started dating within the month. It seemed like the perfect relationship to me. I was with someone who had been in love with me from the time we met and absolutely adored me. We found out we had walked around each other all our lives. Our fathers knew each other, drug connections but this the early 90's, I lived next door to his grandmother, his best friend was the brother of my brother's best friend. His older sister even baby sat me a few times. To me, it seemed like fate. He became my whole life, he was my best friend, I saw him everyday. So when he proposed that summer, I said yes. I honestly believed we belonged together and we'd spend our lives together. We got in a car accident in the end of August and if I hadn't swerved he would've died. To my surprise, he stayed with me so I started my senior year of high school engaged and was happier than ever.