Up Late & Annoyed

I'm awake at 2:25am and I'm annoyed.
I have work at 9am and I cannot sleep because I'm annoyed.
Momz is being super judge-y and annoying me.

Isaiah, the boyfriend, is moving into Nana's house next week when she leaves for the season. Now Momz is all up in my grill about how it's not such a good idea for him to be there. And how that doesn't mean I shouldn't come home. She keeps saying how we don't really know him.

Well, let's see. I understand I've only been with him for a short while, two months today in fact, but that doesn't mean much to me. I am in love with him. I have met his family while I spent Easter weekend with them and will be meeting the rest when I spend a week in Minnesota next month. We talk about everything, including plans to move in together. He wants to now, I told him to wait until end of summer. But if Momz keeps getting on my case, I might just do that earlier than planned.

I want to move in with Isaiah. I can't get enough of spending time with him and love falling asleep and waking up next to him. I feel like I'm finally getting something right. I still a little panicky and nervous sometimes, but that's because this is real and he loves me so passionately. I haven't felt this loved in years. Or wanted. I was just trying to do the right thing and be practical rather than act on my emotions.

Maybe it's a time for a little impulse.

Enter a New Perspective

I look back to my last post and I feel a little uneasy on how lost I felt then. In a few short months I'm in a much better place and feeling much different about myself and life. I'm still slightly unsure on what everything means and where to go from here, but I'm not as petrified anymore. It's all thanks to one major change in my life. I'll try to catch you up as well as I can.

In the weeks that followed that last update of mine, I had ups and downs. I attempted to fill the emotional ache I felt with physical encounters. I made a few new male playmates and toyed with a few of their hearts. I'm not too proud of that, but I was in a low place. Then one night I went to a strip club, my first, with a friend from work. I proceeded to get drunk, invite every guy I was seeing, and hand out as many singles as I could afford. Only one guy showed up and I'm actually pretty happy about that.

His name was Isaiah and we hadn't actually met in person before that night. I was a mess, drunk, and in work clothes, but he took everything in stride. We had a fun time there, changed locales for dinner, then talked and joked and laughed. I felt so immediately close with him. We spent the next few nights with each other driving to different towns and adventuring. He fit in so perfectly with me and was just about as crazy as I am.

We met on Monday, by Friday I knew I wanted him for myself. Even with all my commitment issues and my fear of being confined, I was more afraid to lose him. We spent our first night together, had our first time, and simply enjoyed each other's company into the next day. By the way, waiting a week was pretty good for me, Just saying.

He's an absolute sweetheart and gentleman. Isaiah's about a foot taller than me, a Marine, amazing blue green eyes, cuddler, has about the cutest smile, from Minnesota and genuinely cares about me. I forgot what that felt like. For someone to actually want to see me everyday and miss me when I'm gone. He's patient with me through all my issues and is willing to wait until I'm ready to take the next step. A few weeks in, he told me he loved me. It took me about half an hour to get the courage to say it back and when I did, there were tears in my eyes. I get so paranoid when I open up and make myself vulnerable. But he was so amazing throughout everything.

I still get little twinges of my nerves every once in a while but I much rather deal with that than not having him around. He's making me feel better about myself, considering he calls me beautiful several times a day, and loves all my quirks. I'm trying so hard to make this work. I'm being understanding, open, and non judgmental. Or at least I'm trying to be. This is a relationship I can actually see going somewhere and I'm trying to go against my nature and not mess it up.

Surprisingly, we've already discussed moving in together. At the moment, I still live at home and he lives in the barracks on base. Neither are very ideal places. He's ready to take this major step now, but I'm not so sure about it. We came to the agreement that we'd save up money and if we still want to, we'd find a place at the end of the summer. Though we recently had another opportunity present itself. My nana only lives here part time and has offered her place to him this summer. Of course he wants me there with him. I told him it would be part time for me, but we'll see how that goes.

As for other things going on in my life other than my love life. I had to replace my windshield with money I didn't have after a flying metal object smashed it. Luckily my boss loaned me money to fix it. Who is also giving me a raise, finally, after almost a year of being there. Oh, I should probably mention my hospitalization.

One day at work a little over a month ago, I stayed late to do some extra work. I was slicing cheese and sliced off part of my left pinky with it. I had to get five stitches and miss a few days of work. Those days weren't too shabby. I spent them high off my butt on percocets. Plus I got babied around the house and with the boyfriend. He was pretty damn awesome during that. And during my jaw infection the week prior. Poor guy had to deal with a sickly Jess basically the whole first month of us being together. But the scar on my finger looks like a turtle and we named it Norman.

That, I think pretty much sums it up! Here's to hoping I get back into the habit of writing!

To My Canadian

This certainly isn't the last letter I will write to you. I'm sure I'll end up writing a handful more that I hope reach you somehow. The last time I spoke to you I was hateful. I was hurt and upset. And while I'm sorry for how I said those things, I'm not sorry for what I said.

Your death has caused many emotions to come to the surface. Grief, anger, loneliness, regret, guilt. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I last spoke to you. Which happened to be twelve hours before you crashed. You told me you wanted to move this way, we talked about hanging out again. You hit on me. That affects me more now than it did at the time. I have to live with flirtations being the last words you said to me. I regret now not returning those remarks in a more serious manner.

Thinking back to when we first met, I did everything wrong. I drunkenly kissed you, that was our first meeting. After which I decided to give you a chance to correct my drunken mistake, but I couldn't go through with it. I admit the only reason I slept with you that once was because of my Canadian fascination. I unintentionally strung you along like a lovesick puppy as I was seeing other people. I feel horrible that I never was able to return the feelings you had for me. But I'm happy that a friendship was able to come out of it.

Hanging out with you was always one of my favorite parts of visiting my family. I think one of my best memories was our walk around the neighborhood talking about everything and anything. You were one of those kind hearted people that took everything in stride and I was felt as I could confide in you. Which is probably why I kept in touch with you after I cut off that portion of my family.

I've already told you why I'm angry, so I probably shouldn't touch on that again. My knuckles honestly can't take it anymore. So moving on to the part that will most likely have me in tears.

I blame love and relationships for your death. Because of that, I've kind of taken a stand against both and refuse to partake in such things. Love kills you, this is what I have learned from you passing. You gave up on life because a girl didn't love you. So why would I put myself through something like that? Why would I intentionally put myself in the situation where another person decides my fate? Sorry, but not going to happen. I've become emotionally unable to create stable emotional relationships with men. At this point, I think a simple fuck buddy would be too much commitment for me. Oh yes, that's a new one. I've started using that term. I now say I'm going to fuck someone, changes.

I'm almost happy I have no chance with the current man I'm attracted to. He's ten years older, gorgeous, and a sweetheart. Good thing I go out of my league so I have no chance of freaking out on him. I was talking to my Spanish Brother the other night because I was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness. The first thing I asked him, other than not to be biased, was "Am I unworthy of love?" I'm trying to convince myself of such thoughts to prove love is pointless. Love is a crutch for the weak and a weapon for the strong. End of story.

Platonic love I'm still good with. So for the first time, I love you Rob. I hate that you left me. But I sincerely hope you find everything you're looking for in your next life.

For You

I dedicate tonight to you.

Where ever you may be, whoever you may be. Tonight is for you. You'll be on my mind tonight and I'm sure nothing else will be able to take your place.

My only hope is that somewhere, you're dedicating tonight to me as well.

Repeating the Motions

This is to help you get into my mindset.

In keeping with my previous posts of substance, I'm still all lovesick without a love interest. My heart is aching to act adorable with someone. I'm not sure how to handle it, I haven't been able to deal with a strong emotion that left me so vulnerable in such a long time. I've perhaps been in real love once in the past three years, since the dreaded ex fiancee.

I feel like I've gone over this story over and over again (I have) and I feel like I'm still dealing with the end results (I am). It's my favorite evil ex story and my most intense. I blame him for most of what I've become, I've written letters I'll never send, I silently curse his name to the night sky when I'm alone and miserable. I hate him more than I've ever hated an individual somedays, while other days it's like he never existed. I gave him everything I had and all I got in return was self hatred, debt, and no college. 

I'm laying here listening to this song on repeat and I can't help but wish I had someone to direct all this aching emotion towards. I long to be in love, yet it scares me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm afraid to go back down the road of depression, self abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I know I've grown stronger since I was nineteen, but I know how easy it is to slip back and that frightens me. 

Where Are You?

I'm laying awake tonight thinking. My mind is racing a thousand miles an hour trying make sense of everything. A million trains of thought but not one fully formed. My heart and brain are sending conflicting messages, forever locked in the battle that neither will ever win. One may gain some footing and think itself the victor, but that's quickly dashed by the next thought. I know what I want, yet I'm not ready for it. I think I've prepared, but it all fails.

What other emotion could cause such an epic war within myself. Why does it seem that one needs this great, powerful feeling to ever find total happiness. Why do we endlessly search for something to make us feel whole. Why is it the thing that makes us the happiest, also cause the greatest hurt. I feel part of myself searching for it while the rest of me is fighting it. Tears come to my eyes when I think about the past. All the faces of those that found my heart and those that crushed it. While I miss the companionship, I don't miss the agony.

I miss the feel of a body beside mine in bed at night. I miss the feel of a hand inside mine. I miss the slow smile that would creep onto my face. I miss the butterflies that never left. I miss knowing I was the one they wanted. I miss these things so much, I occasionally cry silently to myself when I know no one is listening. I shake when I'm upset and long for arms around my body to calm me. Even as I sit here and write this, I'm trying not to cry.

I've Been Conditioned

I'm probably just being hormonal, which is wicked likely, but I'm fighting back tears. I don't know what it is. Okay, I do but I wish I didn't.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I'm tired of feeling awkward. I'm tired of my feelings not being returned. I'm tired of those I care about being taken away. I'm tired of this stupid muscle in my chest making me a crazy person. I'm tired of my coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms? Drink until I don't care. Ignore emotions until I'm numb. Think with my vag rather than my brain. I've been conditioned to be more comfortable with my tongue down someone's throat than having my heart on my sleeve.

Maybe it was seeing my latest conquest this morning, maybe it was seeing the picture of the person I love, maybe it was the text of the guy I might have a date with, maybe it was all of those or none at all. The most likely explanation is I'm going crazy. Or just lonely. I haven't been held by someone who actually loved me romantically in years. I spend most nights in bed with my heart aching for something in return.

But when you get down to it, I'm a difficult bitch and scare most people off. I tend to be a hate me or love me kind of person when you really get to know me. It's just another way I was conditioned.

Ghosts of Love Past

I'm actually letting myself feel tonight. I'm listening to sad love songs and my heart aches. Aches for those I've loved in the past, the one I still love, the unrequited. I've been numbing myself with so much alcohol and meaningless physical distractions so I could pretend I don't actually feel this way. I hate feeling vulnerable and that's exactly how I feel now.

The first boy to say he loved me? Well he was my first real boyfriend, the one who didn't cheat on me every night. I was fourteen and just coming into this world. He was a month younger, but a school year higher. Silly cut offs that vary by state. It felt incredible to hear someone say those three words. I was still so unsure of myself that I was overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Though first loves and relationships rarely last and this flickered out just a few short months later. We still occasionally talk, but only as acquaintances.

I had three major relationships in high school. Each was increasingly more intense than the prior and each said they loved me. I was engaged to the last, but you all know that story. That relationship has haunted me for the past three years, so I guess I really did love him. Other than those three, another boy claimed to love me but that was a two day relationship. I didn't put much stock into it and I never returned the phrase, slightly unlike me.

2am Romanticism

I sat down with the intention of ranting about something that seems relevant to my 1:30am brain but only one thing seems to be on my mind. My head is filled with romantic images and love that's getting harder and harder to put into new words. Love is still such a difficult emotion for me, I've built walls up around my heart that have been there for years. In the past three years I've pretended to be in love just to receive the love I craved but it never worked out the way I hoped for. I still have many of those walls up, but I feel like they're coming down little by little each day, with each conversation. It's my greatest wish right now to see this through regardless of what obstacles may be there. If this is truely fate like you believe, then I believe that we'll find a way to make it work.

My favorite band and yes, they're Canadian. <3

Unrequited Love

Love is a funny thing. Two people meeting in a random occurrence that grow together in such a way they feel more themselves with the other. Being without your partner makes you feel as though you're missing a limb. Love is an emotion so deep and complicated it's often misinterpreted. Lust, infatuation, need, convenience. It's turned into a word that's thrown around with such little thought, it has lost almost all meaning. I have claimed to love almost every man I've been in a relationship with, but have I actually had that love for each of them? No, I didn't. I said it because they had said it to me and it was expected I feel the same. Sometimes I said it out of habit, other times just because I wanted to feel that way. Though I believe false love isn't the form that hurts most.

Unrequited love is an extremely complicated emotion. Being in love, truely, with a person but never being able to express it seems to hurt much worse. Love needs to be returned, love needs to be felt. Sometimes it's a friend, other times someone you've never physically met, but it all feels the same. You're willing to give up your life for them, do anything to make them happy, but they don't know how you feel. Love knows no bounds, state lines, country boundaries, time zones. Love exists whether we want it to or not. Unrequited love breaks hearts based on missed opportunities, wrong times. It breaks hearts because most aren't willing to give up their comfortable lives on the risk, especially when separate countries are involved.

I've been in this situation before, though in position most wouldn't expect for me. I'm the one who tends to fall fast and hard, though that has been changing more recently. About two years ago through some chance through random messaging boards, I met the most amazing boy from Canada. We had spoken constantly from when we met in mid-May and quickly became great friends. We shared practically everything and I missed me when we weren't able to talk. He was one of my closest friends, I did have feelings for him but I mostly ignored them considering I lived in America and he was in Canada. I made sure I only thought of him as a friend in order to protect myself and still casually flirted with men in my area. Every time we discussed our days, I never noticed how it hurt him to hear about the people I met and became interested in. Soon we had discussed him coming to visit me. I was more excited than ever, one of my best friends was finally coming to see me. Then I moved to my college town the first of August.

Hey You! Yeah, Flea! I Got A Bargain For You!

So where do fleas go when they're looking for a hot deal on the most random junk you can think of? The flea market of course! And what did I do this morning? If you guessed, manned a table at a flea market whilst looking unbelievably cute and smiling like a goon, you guessed right! I will totes go in detail on pretty much everything thing in that sentence if you just give me a second to finish eating my spanish rice stuffed pita pocket. Delish.

So I spent all last night filling both Luna, my teeny tiny hatchback, and Nana's car. Do you know how hard it is to drive stick with a huge table taking up your whole car right up to your shoulder? Hard. As. Poop. But I did it. So I woke up at the crack of dawn to get cute and drove over to Nana's house to head out. It was all misty and sucky when we pulled up but the day did get loads better and was sunshiney by the end of the day. I got a tan, it was that awesome out. I got a little sweaty packing everything up but it happens. I didn't sell too much but I did get men coming up to talk to me. I saw someone I knew and he teased me for walking around everywhere with Chipper.

So I spent an hour getting ready this morning and what was the result? Adorableness. I wore dark blue skinny jeans, my blue striped v neck, and a black knit shawl-y shirt. I got a super long black ribbon necklace with various black beads spaced throughout the other day, I had to loop it three times and it still came to my waist. I love it. Top it all off with black converse and I was styling. Good looking people sell more stuff, I needed to look hawt.

So why was I smiling like a goon you might ask? That is kind of a secret. We'll just say I'm quite infatuated with an adorable guy who kept sending me the greatest texts while I was working. I was honestly smiling so huge, it was hard not to notice. This boy, he makes me feel pretty amazing.

So I hope my hyper and happy writing style today hasn't been a hungry tumor on your brain eating your intelligence. I'll try to be back to normal soon.

<3

I Love The Way You Lie...

The most significant romantic relationship in my life lasted from February 10th 2007 to sometime in late June 2008. It became an on again off again complicated mess with ties being cut multiple times and broken promises of silence for another year. And while the relationship was never abusive, it sort of became the way in that messed up second year. No, never physical. He never hit me or land a hand on me in a hurtful manner. It was that sneakier way of abusing someone, that kind that sticks around much longer than the person. That's why, now over a year later, I'm still feeling it.

I'll take you back to the beginning. We met the summer of '05 and Mike was immediately smitten with me. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend, that was the summer I met my first real love and I couldn't be bothered with another guy. We didn't speak until the following year, around the end of my relationship with my first love. Once it was over, we started hanging out and I began to feel for him what he did for me and we started dating within the month. It seemed like the perfect relationship to me. I was with someone who had been in love with me from the time we met and absolutely adored me. We found out we had walked around each other all our lives. Our fathers knew each other, drug connections but this the early 90's, I lived next door to his grandmother, his best friend was the brother of my brother's best friend. His older sister even baby sat me a few times. To me, it seemed like fate. He became my whole life, he was my best friend, I saw him everyday. So when he proposed that summer, I said yes. I honestly believed we belonged together and we'd spend our lives together. We got in a car accident in the end of August and if I hadn't swerved he would've died. To my surprise, he stayed with me so I started my senior year of high school engaged and was happier than ever.

Beauty.

Today was so amazing. I loved every single moment of it, while except for like half an hour. I guess I'll have to start at the beginning of my wonderful day.

Reminiscing about oldie songs was great. Slightly sad that I could sing along and knew every word to the majority of them. The begin the Rollo parade throughout the rest of school with our version of the Vietcong tunnels. Bliss.

Drove Mike around for a while: Hy-Line; Jared's; Dunkin' Dounuts; Taco Bell; Christmas Tree Shop; and Dead Zone. And then he bought me the prettiest bracelet at the last location. I love it so much and it is absolutely beautiful. I love him so much.

Bad: Bobby and Austin harassing Justin yet again. Except this time they brought my mom into it, calling her a whore. Of course I had to get myself involved and talk to the two of them except they had to be around little kids so I couldn't bitch them out as I wished. Damn. But we just got back from talking with Bobby's parents, so it's slightly better.

Back to good. Mike means everything to me and I'm so happy I have him. He's the best thing I could have ever hoped for. He treats me the way only the most special girls deserve. I'm so happy he's considering going to South Carolina with me. It makes everything so much easier. And he's completely ecsatic about the fact that he now has a job and will have money on a regular basis, a good chunk too. I love him more than anything and I always will.

And he claims that he will never find anyone that he loves more than me. Which, is the best thing I have ever heard.