In keeping with my previous posts of substance, I'm still all lovesick without a love interest. My heart is aching to act adorable with someone. I'm not sure how to handle it, I haven't been able to deal with a strong emotion that left me so vulnerable in such a long time. I've perhaps been in real love once in the past three years, since the dreaded ex fiancee.
I feel like I've gone over this story over and over again (I have) and I feel like I'm still dealing with the end results (I am). It's my favorite evil ex story and my most intense. I blame him for most of what I've become, I've written letters I'll never send, I silently curse his name to the night sky when I'm alone and miserable. I hate him more than I've ever hated an individual somedays, while other days it's like he never existed. I gave him everything I had and all I got in return was self hatred, debt, and no college.
I'm laying here listening to this song on repeat and I can't help but wish I had someone to direct all this aching emotion towards. I long to be in love, yet it scares me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm afraid to go back down the road of depression, self abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I know I've grown stronger since I was nineteen, but I know how easy it is to slip back and that frightens me.
Disclaimer: This post shall seem abrasive and angry.
Get in my mindset. Nao.
I am angry.
I want one day where I'm not plagued by extreme emotions. One day where I don't want to either break down in tears or punch someone in their fucking face. I really want to bury my fist in someone's fucking face, legit. I'm getting pretty damn sick of my past coming back to fuck with me. I'm getting really fucking sick of the few times I actually fell for someone to bite me in my ass. At least the weather is agreeing with me, hello random torrential downpour of epic proportions. I never should have gotten engaged in high school like a fucking child. Because you know, it only gave him that much more power to pop up out of nowhere today to let me know he's engaged. Fuck you douchebag, like I fucking needed to know that. So lucky I'm not on Cape right now. My car would be on top of you.
Seriously, the night I turn down getting trashed. I'm being punished, I really am. I just need to go outside, sit in the thunderstorm and let my nerves calm down, because this isn't helping as much as I hoped. Angry sex, that's what I need. Where the fuck is Shane when I need him. Or any other attractive guy? Fuck this shit.
If you don't hear back from me soon, I'm nursing a broken hand.
This is now a full fledged mission and I may need help, because frankly, I'm doing an awful job. I still lay awake at night thinking about him. Ugh. I've been having long talks with my best friends hoping to get some insight. My best friends are all in different phases on the love cycle. I have the happily in love commited bestie, the never had a date bestie, and the I'm sick of men and I just want to screw bestie. Every single one of them assures me I'm not going crazy and that it's okay I'm trying to distract myself. Apparently sex is fun so Shane is good to keep, I should give Michael a chance, and Mike Pop is Mike Pop and we all love him regardless. As for Nick... that's where there's different opinions. I'm either to never talk to him again so I can move on or just be friends since I personally hate not having him in my life.
Work today, sucked. I wanted to punch Jeremiah in the face and spit on the mangled remains. He had the nerve to fucking snap at me for doing my job. Thankfully the supervisor was standing right there and snapped at him considering I was doing what I was supposed to. I was more than happy that I had to close so he could go early. I wasn't the only one getting fed up with him. I'm not sure how much more of his attitude I can handle before I snap and beat the shit out of him. He's on probation. I can punch him and he'd go to jail if he hit me back. So very tempting.
To delay going home and sitting here in front of my computer, I went to Shane's. I didn't get off work until 10:30 and he has work in the morning so I couldn't stay long. I went in, took off my shoes, put a condom in my bra, and walked into his room. I took off his shirt between kisses, threw him onto the bed, ripped off his pants. I was kind of on a mission. I didn't want anything on my mind. I took off my clothes until I was standing in front of him in just my sexiest lingerie and smiled before I went down on him, like I said, mission. I tossed him the condom, took off my lingerie, and climbed on top. I'll just say we moved through a few different positions, I was choked, spanked, beaten really. I needed to be abused, I feel like I need to be. And seriously, Shane breaks me. I honestly think he's ripping apart my insides, I end up bleeding slightly each time. I left immediately after I got dressed, out by 11pm.
I'm sure all of you know by now how lucky I am. I'm driving home, pretty damn sore, and screaming songs at the top of my lungs. And which song comes on? This one.
This is the song I dedicated to him, to Nick. Of course the universe made me think of him immediately after doing something so extreme to forget him. I don't know, maybe he was right when he said fate and soul mates. I believed him then and have been trying to prove it wrong since he ended it. All I know is I'm done with the universe trying to keep me miserable. I've been through enough, right?
In further effort to distract myself, I'm not coming home tomorrow night. After work, I'm going over to Andy's for a cook out and drinking until I can't stand. I find myself drinking more and more, the fear of being an alcoholic becoming more possible and likely. Fuck it, at least it'll keep me numb for a while. If Jeremiah's at the party, shit's probably going down. Though no one wants him there so he might not... hopefully. Then I have that date Saturday morning, if I wake up. I have a feeling I might stand him up just because I'll be too drunk to wake up. I'll have to set a shit load of alarms to be sure.
I sat down with the intention of ranting about something that seems relevant to my 1:30am brain but only one thing seems to be on my mind. My head is filled with romantic images and love that's getting harder and harder to put into new words. Love is still such a difficult emotion for me, I've built walls up around my heart that have been there for years. In the past three years I've pretended to be in love just to receive the love I craved but it never worked out the way I hoped for. I still have many of those walls up, but I feel like they're coming down little by little each day, with each conversation. It's my greatest wish right now to see this through regardless of what obstacles may be there. If this is truely fate like you believe, then I believe that we'll find a way to make it work.
This set up is now in a different location in my room - two feet from my bed. The only reason I even still have this ancient equipment is for the sole purpose of my geekdom. Walk into my room and on your left you'll see the bulky tv on top of the equally old vcr. My four controllers chill out underneath so I can have epic gaming parties should I ever have people over. I managed to hold onto about 42 games, though my favorite was lost. I have everything from racing games on every motorized vehicle to fighting games in all arenas to game shows to sports to stories. I never got a hang of the new systems. Honestly, I'm lost if you hand me the controller to XBox 360, my characters aren't going to be walking in a straight line. I'll shoot without discretion and miss 95% of the time. You'd hate to have me on your team, but love me on the opposite team for the easy kill. Set me up with some old skool N64 Mortal Kombat and I'll kick your ass. Same goes for MarioKart. You see, I kick it old skool when I play my video games. I never got into a gaming system quite like I did with the Nintendo 64. When I first got it all those years ago, I pretty much peed myself with excitement and went on to waste many days in front of the television screen. It was a pretty short list of the things I did when I was younger: read; sleep; play N64. The tv only existed for my games.
My day did a total 180. I woke up this morning in a grumpy, half drunken stupor and was ready to rip off heads for just daring to look my way. I was angry, barely talking to anyone. Mainly because of my awful drunken temper that I felt the need to take out on people the night before just for speaking the truth. I fell back asleep to a crime show about a dismembered body and had wonderful dreams of murder. I was woken almost two hours later and dragged outside to do lawn work. Believe me, I was not too happy about the assignment but nonetheless, I pulled on some jeans, a tank top, and slipped into some cute ballet flats. I grudgingly walked out the front door, and wow.
The day was just so beautiful it immediately lifted my spirits. Sunshine really does make you feel better. It increases endorphin and serotonin production which lifts your mood and makes you feel just incredible. Sun just gives you that overall sense of well being. Spending a few hours with your bare feet sinking into the soil with a rake in your hands is honestly a great way to waste an afternoon. I ripped up weeds with my bare hands and helped tear out an old cactus. That was a challenge, I had to play doctor many times since I'm the only one with eyes good enough to manage the tweezers around the tiny spurs. ...Speaking of, I was just called out. XD I was very tempted to stay outside all day and just tan, which I did for a little while. I laid out on the 4wheeler and dozed off for a bit. Brother snuck a picture of me because he's a little butt.
My bestie from another testie sent me this video this morning with the message "No one guy should be this awesome." I fully agree, dude's the shit. I kind of really dig his sure awesome dance moves. So check it out and enjoy this epic display of awesome.
Quote of the day:
"I masturbate because I'm the only one with standards low enough to fuck me."
