Winter Blues

I go for my certification in just a few days.

After waiting a year and a half  for the  green light, I'm finally able to take the exam that will give me the slight extra responsibility at work. I'll be thankful I won't have to be buried in pharmacological texts.

Add that stress to my normal winter funk... I really hate this time of year. The holidays remind  most people of family. All it makes me think of is death. We're coming up on three years without my brother. His suicide just magnifies my depression and suicidal thoughts.

Just before Thanksgiving I relapsed. It had been over a year since I had hurt myself. Then I spent one month  cutting myself just about everyday. I didn't tell anyone until last night. The only reason I even told him was the possibility of him seeing my scars the next time I see him...

I seriously hate winter.

Where To Start

I'm not even sure where to start. I should probably discuss my six months of heavily drinking. Or maybe the absurd amount of one nights stands. The rape. The girl's  whose life I temporally ruined. Perhaps my family deaths.

I've been such a horrid person and I'm only beginning to become a decent human being again. This is going to majorly suck.

I Might Be Back...

I lost regular computer access a while back which ended any chance of posting that might have been. I'm going to attempt to post more now that I've gotten a phone fancy enough to allow this.

I refuse to make any sort of promise.

But maybe a quick update?
I'm still single, by choice. I don't want to settle. My Nana died. My car died. New car. Brother died. Cat ran away. New job.

Life.

Saturday marked one month since Rob was in a car accident, the day his expiration date read one week. I'm still angry. I've denounced any emotional attachments to people that could potentially hurt me somewhere in the distant or not so distant future. I've decided that being single is the best possible thing for me right now while simultaneously having dreams about marriage and pregnancy. My brain is in such a state of contradiction I'm pretty sure it's peaking at World Record status.

I've had almost no voice for almost a week now. I talk as little as possible, though I still find myself talking about the death. I miss my ghetto Canadian. I miss walking through the neighborhood smoking cigars like we're cool kids. I voice my fears and losses even when I don't have a voice. The funny part in all this, I'm getting hit on more with no voice and state of constant anger.

I want to be back on my Cape Cod beaches. The ocean was always the one constant in my life, even though it's ever changing. The rolling waves crashing against the jetties always had a way of straightening out my thoughts.

Love Kills Or How I'm Using Rob's Death to Justify Why I Hate Love

My friend died. My ghetto Canadian is gone. My friend of just a few years, whom was more than a friend at one point, passed away two days ago after being in a coma for a week. I've been in denial just slightly.

I'm officially in the anger phase.

I'm mad at Rob. The fucking asshole did it to himself. The accident was his fault. He was speeding in the downpour and hit a sharp curve going too fast. He left his lane and got clipped by a pick up. He drives drove a tiny ass car, smaller than the one I drive now. This caused him to fish tail, getting t-boned by a second pick up. His car flipped. Fuck you, Rob, for causing this and being to goddamn stupid to slow down in that weather.

Rob had gotten into a fight that morning with his girlfriend. They broke up because she didn't love him anymore while he was still in love with her. He said he didn't care to live anymore. Well, apparently someone was listening and made it happen. He fucking gave up and stopped fighting to live. She even had the goddamn nerve to show up at the hospital even though no one wanted her there. So fuck you, bitch, I'm blaming this all on you.

I spoke to him the night before this happened. Twelve hours before he was speeding down that road, Rob was talking to me. He said he missed me, he told me his plans to move to the Carolinas to be close to his best friend, my cousin, who had moved to South Carolina. He fucking hit on me. We talked about the time we had tried to go out. Our one date, the time we slept together, joked about it happening it again. Well guess what, asshole? It fucking won't.

I'm officially convinced that he died because of love. I'm going to stay convinced no matter how much anyone tried to prove otherwise, which many attempted earlier. Everything that caused his death started with his broken heart. So fuck love. Fuck relationships.

I'm using this one thing as an excuse to justify my commitment issues. What's the point of a relationship when it just ends in pain and ultimately death? Sorry, but I much rather live and not want to die everyday. I haven't wanted or been able to handle a relationship in a while and at this point, I don't even think I want to deal with a bone buddy. That's too much commitment for me.

I can't deal with anymore personal relationships at this point in time. I'm too angry. I'm angry with just about everything. Love, relationships, commitment, life, people, the world. When I want to punch something or someone everything five minutes, I don't think it's smart to involve people in my life. I can barely feel my hand from punching the ceiling of my car all night.

Love is pointless.

Final NDE & Aren't You Pretty?

Today is the conclusion of my series about near death experiences. I wanted to save this one for last for two reasons. Firstly, I love Jamie's face. He is my gaybe (gay babe), my love, one of my closer bloggie friends. Jamie is simply amazing and always knows how to cheer me up when I'm having a rough time. Even when we had our fake fight, we got closer. Seriously, this boy has major real estate in my heart. And to stop this ranting... Secondly, it's a funny one liner meant to left everyone's spirits. 




* I once had a nine inch bone stuck in my throat, but then he took it out. *


See, I told you. Awesome. =]


So quick recap on nothingness. Dyed my hair. Don't worry, it's only sightly darker and hardly noticeable. Only something to cover the greys and therefore the proof I'm getting old. 


I got my big girl license! I will no longer be eyed suspiciously when buying alcohol with a minor's id that has a sixteen picture of me that barely passes for twelve. It's pretty exciting stuff considering it means that after a year, I am officially a resident of the state of North Carolina. I even got a fancy organ donor heart.


I decided I'm retarded and can't read. I've been freaking out for the last two weeks because I thought my car's registration expired this past Monday and have been running all over creation attempting to get it inspected. Luckily Momz is smarter than me and realized it expires September so I'll be able to get everything in my name afterall.


And I guess the feather in my cap later is all the flirtatious remarks I've been getting. I'm actually feeling attractive and I'm enjoying it. Granted none of the flirters are exactly relationship or even hook up worthy, but hey. The ego boost is something.

Cars NDE

Continuing my series, we have been graced with awesomeness. The lovely Tabs from Geeky, Ambiguous Me. She's just about one of my favorite bloggies ever, along with my favorite person from that distant country from the north where hockey and maple syrup rein supreme. I'm talking about Canada for those who don't catch my drift... She's also a writer with me on Belly Lint, which we need to use more. Oops. But anywho, I pretty much insist you check her out because you will totally fall into platonic love with her just as I have.

They say that in those short moments of a near death experience, time slows down and your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, I’m not sure who “they” are, but they have obviously never had one of those near death experiences.

I’ve been through two of them, and I can assure you, if you’re lucky enough to have any time at all to process what is going on, it is typically the sudden realization that death may be imminent in that moment. It’s the understanding that in a split second, everything will change.

For me, these experiences have solidified my belief in God and given me a stronger resolve to be a better Christian.

The first experience left me far more terrified in that moment than the second one. I attribute it to the fact that by the second one, I had a vague idea of what was going on.

The first occurred three years ago. I had only been driving regularly for about 8 months by that point, and it was my first winter driving. It was the eve before New Year’s Eve in 2008, and at the time I was still living/working at the Christian Camp just outside of town. My sister had picked me up for a coffee date, and was letting me borrow her car so that I could drive in to my third job after serving breakfast in the morning.

Motorcycle NDE

Today's story was generously given to me by Andrea from life is a science experiment. She was in a horrific motorcycle accident and has now began to write a novel about her experience. The novel is titled Jerod's America, and this is an excerpt from Chapter 7.

The front of Jerod’s bike was no longer in the shape of a motorcycle and Jerod’s body was no longer on the bike.
All he saw was a combination of sky and concrete.  He could hear expounded noises as his breath was being violently beaten out of him as he rolled over the car.
He wasn’t quite sure what was happening next, because he was neither rolling nor stopping.  He was restrained in a strangle hold of air.
There was a long time before he actually landed.  During this time it almost felt beautiful to be suspended in air with not a thought on his mind.  Absolutely empty.
Until it ended.
He landed on his head under a parked car.  His body wanted to continue sliding, but his helmet stopped him by way of the chinstrap, which was now robbing his breath.
It was surreal.  Once he landed the beauty was stripped away and all he could see was the underbelly of a car.
Jerod took stock of the unusual situation, and tried to make sense of what was happening in this nightmare.
He wiggled his toes and his fingers.
Check!
Working!
And now he decided to stay put until someone else moved him.  Judging from the pain he felt in his neck, he knew better than to move himself in any way.
From the bottom of the car, all he could see now were feet.  Big, small, running, stopping, shifting, leaving, more coming…
Feet.
His world was now reduced to the mechanics daily eye view of a vehicle and curious feet coming to see the train wreck.
An angel appeared.  She stroked his back.  She told him to keep breathing and that help was on its way.
“Help is coming,” she reconfirmed.  “If you can just keep breathing you’re going to do well.  Here, I’ll open the front of your helmet to give you more air.”
An overwhelming muscle spasm began to take over.  Every muscle in his body began to convulse.  He had no control over it.
The angel stroked his back, “Keep breathing you’re doing good.  I can hear the sirens coming now.”
Jerod could also hear another voice, and it was obviously the woman who hit him.
“Oh my God,” Jerod heard through his muted helmet and from her sobbing, shaky tears, “I just didn’t see him there!  I’m just so sorry!  Oh God help him!”
Some of the feet ran to her.  He could hear muffled voices; “You’re not going to help him by being hysterical.  It’s only going to scare him.”
His angel said, “They’re here now buddy.  You’re doing really well.  I’m going to let them take over now ok?”
Jerod wanted to say thank you and hold his angel, but she left.  She was gone.  His fear became even more impassioned.
Shaking.
Hyperventilating.
Some very large voice came from behind him, “Sir, we’re here to help you, please don’t move.  You’ve been thrown 15 feet and you have landed on your head.”  That was all it took for Jerod to officially go into shock.  “Sir can you tell me where you hurt?”
Through his shaking voice and short breath, he tried to say, “My neck!”  The chinstrap would not allow him to talk.  The paramedics began to speak about removing his helmet.
“Sir, we need you to stay very still and we’re going to remove your helmet.”
Jerod did his best to stay still, but his convulsing muscles were just too strong to take charge of.  He couldn’t stop it.
When they finally removed his helmet, they asked again, “Sir can you tell me what hurts?”
Stifled through his shaking jaw, Jared jerked out, “M-m-my n-n-neck, m-m-my wrist…”
“Ok.  We’re going to move you on to a board, but we need you to be very still and let us do all the work.  Are you ready?”
“Ya.”
From behind him he could hear more than one take-charge voice. One voice asked him many questions and he knew it was to find out if he was still using his mind to it’s full potential, but it seemed almost annoying.  He just wanted the shaking to stop and really, he felt he was fine.  There was a lot of talking about who gets to watch the left arm with the damaged wrist, counting to roll him over on to the backboard, somebody holding his neck, head and all kinds of previously practiced routines that these professionals went through on a daily basis, making it really feel like just another day on the job.
As he was rolled, he could see four faces peering down at him with restrained panic in their eyes.  From that point forth it was a blur of scissors cutting his double layer of jackets off, including that brand new heated one he just bought.  They cut his gloves, cut up his shirt left shirtsleeve and began to lift him up onto the stretcher.
Oh, the loss of his brand new jacket.  Now his gloves.  Gone.  And what about his bike?  Where is his bike?
No more feet.  Now it was all faces.  Strangely enough, there was no sound amongst the chatter.
Deafeningly loud silence.
When he was moving and rolling, he wanted to just tell everyone he was fine I can just walk to the ambulance.  I’m fine.  You’re really all making way too much of this.
There was a dark part of him that knew he wasn’t fine.
This was the part where his neck shot bullets through his head.  The part where his limbs were numb.  The part where his muscles were convulsing and his lungs were hyperventilating.
But otherwise, “You’re all making too much of a fuss over this,” was all he wanted to say.

Crash NDE

In keeping with the guest post swing of things, I have some hot news. I had a piece published yesterday on someone else's blog. Yes, I was a guest writer. My piece, Letter to a Ghost, that I wrote about my absent father a few weeks back is now up on the Guest Writer Blog but you can find the original post here. His intro for me was simply amazing. But on to the main point...

Today we have the lovely Nyx from Notions. She's awesome, I love her, you'll think she's awesome, you'll love her. I mean, who doesn't love cat pictures, blogger going ons, and just random trains of thought. Me and Nyx, yeah we're pretty tight bloggie friends. So check out her bloggity blog and show her the glowing love that's just tugging at your heart strings. But, without further rambling, here is her story.

As the smell of gunpowder invaded my nostrils, I realized that I was no longer driving down Rt. 72.

Nope.  I was in a tree.

A big, fat, old gnarled tree.  One that, for some inexplicable reason, my car had wrapped itself around.  I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how.  All I knew that I had been driving down the road, singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs, and then suddenly…tree.

I stared around the interior of my car.  Both airbags had deployed, and a spider crack stretched its way across my windshield, almost as though it were reaching for me.   My hands fumbled for the door handle – I remember that it felt cool to the touch; I remember shoving against the door and feeling it creak its way open.  I could barely catch my breath as I saw the state my car – my beloved silver Sebring – was in.  Its hood was crumpled like silver tissue paper, tree branches jutted out from every angle, and its tires hung sadly from bent and broken rims.  I glimpsed towards the road – there were people there, shouting.

I stumbled my way towards them.  I walked, tripped through the carnage my car had left in its wake.  Stumbled through a ditch, and then finally I was with the bystanders.

“Don’t worry, we called 911.  Are you hurt?  You should lay down.”  The words infiltrated my brain – almost in slow-motion.  I remember telling whoever it was that I’m fine, that I don’t need to lay down, thank you very much for your concern.

I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket – It remained unscathed.  Fingers shaking, I dialed my father.

“Hello?”  I almost broke down right there, in front of all the people who had stopped, when I heard his voice on the other end.

“Dad.  I have a bit of a problem.  I had a bit of a car crash.”  I could hear him mutter an explicative, heard my mother question what was wrong.  They had been out to dinner with their friend.  Well.  Shit.

Drowning NDE

I'm officially kicking off my guest post series that I put into the making about three weeks ago. I was almost in a car accident and it got me thinking about near death experiences and how they affect our lives after the fact. Oh, and for future reference NDE = Near Death Experience.


This section of my Near Death Experince Series was given to me by Lauren.

Hello, I'm Lozzz123 from Science, Spouses & Silliness. Jess has kindly invited me to do a guest post on her blog about my near-death experience. As you can tell from the title of my blog, I don't often talk about non-silly things, so we'll see how this goes. 

This all occurred November 2002, when I was 17. We had just finished high school, so some friends and I decided to head off to the beach to celebrate (I live in Sydney, Australia so it was quite warm in November). There were six of us, three girls and three boys. We all excitedly jumped in the water, and things took a turn for the worse extremely quickly. There must have been a huge rip in the water that we didn't see, and we all suddenly got swept off in very different directions. One second I was standing next to my friend, and the next I was unable to see anyone and could no longer find the ground. The waves became extremely powerful and kept forcing me under the water. I was then swept over to some rocks that were under the water which seemed to have massive pits that were even deeper. Now not only when the waves knocked me under the water I had to swim to the surface, but I had to drag myself out of these holes as well. Breathing was starting to become a problem, as I was progressively spending a lot more time under the water than above it. It was all I could do to get my head above water each time; I was not able to think clearly enough to work out how I could get away from this situation. My body was getting flung around like a rag doll. I heard some concerning crackling noises in my back and neck, but I didn't have time to think about whether I'd been injured. 

I have no idea how long I was out there, but after coming up yet again just to cough up water and get a miniscule gulp of air and see the next wave about to pummel me I started to get tired - really tired. I stopped being scared and a strange calm feeling started to wash over me. Looking back now, this was the scariest part, because it was then that I started thinking things like "I'm really not going to be able to do this much longer. I can barely breathe and I don't have the energy to keep getting back up to the surface. Is there really much point in trying anymore?". It felt like it would be nice just to drift off to sleep. I was seriously about to give up and I was ok with that. 

[source]

What happened next, is to me proof that God was watching over us that day. Although I'd been far away from my friends and hadn't been able to see them at all, I caught a split second glimpse of one of them raising their hand in the air. Stupidly, I'd completely forgotten that if you put your hand up and lifesavers can see you, they'll come get you! I shoved my hand in the air, and suddenly got my energy back to keep swimming back up to the surface several more times until I could get rescued. The lifesaver pulled me onto the board and brought me back to the shore. I was so shocked I don't think I even got to say thankyou. The two other girls were there and we just were crying and hugging each other in disbelief. It was then that we realised that the boys were still missing. Two eventually emerged from the water, equally as bewildered about what just happened. We started to freak out as our last friend was nowhere to be seen, but thankfully the lifesaver finally pulled him in to safety as well.

The effects of that day still haven't worn off. I did get quite bad whiplash to my neck which still causes me problems, and I haven't been able to go in the water at the beach without feeling panic (and I know a couple of my friends from that day feel the same). It wasn't all bad though. I was so shocked at my willingness to give up (though I think this was probably at least partly due to exhaustion and perhaps oxygen deprivation), and I am determined that if I am in such a situation again I will react differently. It also strengthened my belief in God. Perhaps we never we in any danger that day since there were lifeguards around, but it was a good reminder that He is in control. One other good thing that happened:

Around this time there was a boy I was seeing, but it didn't seem very serious. That day, after I got out of the water safely, all I could think of was seeing him, and being safe in his arms. I was not putting much effort in at this point, letting him do all the contacting, but I messaged him to tell him I missed him and really wanted to see him soon. We got married in October of last year. :)

I Almost Died Today

Today started off as a shitstorm in the form of Luna. I walked out to my car this morning and discovered the can of soda I had forgotten about wanted to make its presence known and exploded all over the inside of my car. While grumbling loudly, I found out I also had a flat tire. Luna just wanted to shit all over the place today. I quickly wiped out the inside and pumped up my tire so I could get on my way.

Work was slow as balls, except for one lunch rush. Steve, my boss, was feeling extra nice today so he bought Sam and I ice cream from the DQ down the street. I got decent tips for the three or four deliveries I took, so I was in a good mood despite the awful start to my day.

I'm driving home, it's a 22mile stretch so I have a while to go. About three miles down the road, my car swerves to the right. One tire is on the grass and I pull my car to the left to get back on the road. This causes everything to lock up on me and I spin. I'm going down the highway going a little over 60mph, and I'm spinning. Well, one spin but still. I ended up on the side of the road, with one tire in the gully. As soon as I stopped, I jumped out to inspect everything.

If I Die Tonight...

There's been a few threads about this topic in the Shop lately, what would you do on your last day, are you happy with your life... I figured I'd go into this a little considering there's a handful of tornadoes heading my way and there's a possibility I'll be in a morgue tomorrow. Oh look, Jess sure is chipper and optimistic about the coming storm!

Am I happy with my life? Well I'm content. There's not much to my life right now and I could be much better off. I wish I wasn't in debt from the college failure, I wish I had more money, I wish I had a social life, and I wish I could afford to be on my own. But I realize I could be far worse off. It's not like I'm homeless and starving, at least I have a roof over my head and my tummy is full each night. I might not have a social life, but I have some of the best friends in the world. I wouldn't give up the people I chose as my best friends for anything in this world. You guys are the ones that make me happy and I love each and every one of you. So my life might not be the best, but it's also not the worst and I'm okay with that.

So what about my last day on Earth? I'd definitely spend it with the ones I love. I want to be a good person and say that would be my family, but honestly I'd go with my adoptive family. All my closest friends back in Massachusetts would get me for my last day and I wouldn't regret a moment. On the other hand, it would be truely a miracle to spend it with the person I was in love with. I would cherish every last kiss if that were a possibility. And if I'm being completely honest, I'd probably get wicked drunk. I mean, this is me we're talking about.

So wish me luck blogging world. The death toll in Alabama was well over a hundred, let's hope it doesn't hit here...

Endings Bring New Beginnings

I jinxed myself, and by myself I mean my pets. Only two days ago I wrote a post about how I got my pet chickens and this afternoon I found out my rooster died in the night. RIP Aquaman, you will be missed you glorious rooster.

Aquaman was always a bold man, staring right at you.

It's got me thinking about death just a little bit and how lost I am when it comes to it. I haven't had anyone close to me ever pass. The last person in my family that I knew passed when I was only seven. I didn't even see my great-nana all that much so seeing her in the hospital and then in the casket was so odd to me. I've been to one funeral since, my ex's father. His father I only knew for about a year, so yeah I was fairly comfortable with him, I still wasn't all that close.