Drunk, Me That Is OH & Bastards

Oh hi there, I didn't see you. No, I actually did, I promise. I'm just slightly buzzed and I'm pretty sure I'm actually typing with a sort of normalcy. I'm going to pretend I'm not going to ramble and completely butcher this story I'm trying to tell you. It's pretty weird. Like, really. Okay... Let's start shall we?

Okay. So I wrote a little something something about this key player just the other day. It must be like, karma or something that he would try and talk to me. And me just being like FUCKIT talking back. So the dreaded ex fiancee, because I was totes cool and got engaged in high school because I thought it was trueloveforeveryo, facebook messaged me. He even made a point to say he had no motive in talking to me, just wanted to say hi, though he did ever so subtly mention the "wife". Psh, like I need to fricken know about you and your wife. Psh, PSH. That's right, PSH. I barely made coherent sentences then, or now.

But, I flirted with a cute sentry tonight, watched a trash can be whipped out a room, and called ma'am multiple times. Silly Camp Johnson and the silly things you Marines do. OH, and a coworker totes thought I was sixteen. We were talking about the crappy night and I said I just wanted a beer. He agreed and I said I would have to pick some up on the way home because I didn't have any. He's all like, "You can buy beer?" "Um, yeah. I'm 21, almost 22." "You totally look like you're sixteen." *sigh*

I DID buy that beer, well wine cooler, on the way home and split it with Momz because I bought the BIG bottle. We drank and talked and laughed at the cats and now I'm in my room with no pants. I had to punish the cats and lock them in separate bathrooms for being hooligans and knocking things over. Momz just came and let out Dels and he was sitting on the bathmat with the biggest fuck you face ever. Seriously, totes funny. Oh Dels.

Okay. I should go before I type something stupid about how much I wish I was pantsless for a good reason, like for sexy times. But I'm not, I'm just going to go to bed. Like a lameo. Or how a new boy started tonight and his name is Lindsey and how funny I think that is. Okay. Really bed now. I promise. Or at least I promise to end this post here. =]

Random Mishmash

I haven't exactly posted anything of substance lately. I've been busy with work and just plain lazy honestly. So this is to catch up on things I haven't mentioned.

Posting about my epic tips was bad karma. The next day I barely made enough to cover gas. Damn.

Jeremiah quit. Oh fucking happy day.

I'm still attempting a guest posting series about near death experiences. But, I've only gotten two so far, three if you count my silly one from Jamie, and I don't consider that enough. So I'm still waiting slash looking for more.

I got a ticket yesterday. For a rolling stop. What the fudge you goddamn statie. I could see, no one was there, you're just trying to make your quota because the end of the month is coming. It's 50$ fine. Plus, in North Carolina they charge you for a court date even if you don't go, which is 170$. Both my car and insurance was in my uncle's name and it needs to be renewed soon. I have a feeling he'll be dropping me like a hot potato and I'll have to spend a bajillion dollars to get everything in my name. UGH.

I want to rip out my uterus, throw it into a wood chipper, and promptly never think of it again. Ever. It is simply far too much pain and trouble than it's worth.

Workin' It

Sometimes, I really love my work uniform and the fact my boss tries to pimp us all out.

Background: My boss is a retired Marine and a bit of a creeper. He caters to Marines (and his own viewing pleasure) by hiring attractive girls and shoving them into low cut shirts and allowing them to wear short shorts.

I had fun taking awesome, dark, cell phone in the mirror pictures for you. I put my shirt back on for you, feel special. Though, you can't see the boxers I'm wearing.

See, low cut. Yes, that is my lacy adorable bra peeking out in the photo on the right. And yep, my room is pretty damn messy, though I do have that kickass Victoria Frances (the site's in Spanish, oops) poster on the wall.

Most nights, I make major tips and it's pretty damn awesome. You flirt a little, your cleavage is all in the atmosphere and BOOM 5$ tip. I walked out of work with close to 70$ tonight and it made me pretty damn happy, considering it was only five hours worth of deliveries. Sometimes it helps to have a nice rack.

A Cloudy Sky in the Sunshine

I've been in a wicked good mood since my accident. I have had the surrounding aura of "ohemgee, I'm so happy to be alive everything is so shiny and pretty and I'm never going to be sad again!" I've be able to find the good in everything and haven't stopped smiling at the beauty that is life. This, unfortunately, was slightly deflated over the weekend with drunken crying and stolen money.

I made plans with Erika to go to her party Saturday night and was pretty damn excited. I love that girl, she's one of the few people I thoroughly enjoy spending time with at/from work. I was scheduled to work until 8pm that day and her close, which could be midnight for all we knew. Surprisingly I got off at 6 and drove home bearing calzones for the family to waste a few hours. Thinking the liquor store closed at 10pm, I left home a little after 9. Sadly, it closed at 9 and I was stuck going to WalMart for some champagne when I wanted rum. I ordered a sub at work waiting for Erika and Tj stole me to buy him beer.

Erika finally got off, even though it was still early and only around 10pm. Some of her friends followed us to her house and let the party begin! It started off slow but was fun. We drank some, danced some, drank some more. I saw a few girls pee and a few saw me. I grinded with multiple females, danced with apple pie, and was almost pimped. *I wanted to make out with someone, Erika's boyfriend Tiger was trying to get a supposedly hot block coworker to come for me because he wanted to fuck someone. Tiger tried showing me he treated his girls great and starting waving money. I had about 500$ stuffed in my bra at one point.*

Love Life

Today was a great day. I'm still basking in the absolute wonder of being alive, I'm finding good in everything. I spent most of my morning on the phone with my bestie catching up on everything, I love that girl so much. I helped my family out with some living room arrangement shizz.

Work, I showed up an hour early but that just meant I had time for coffee. I was meant to be inside tonight, but was thrown on the road. My first run was to the cute Marines I was flirting with all last week. We joked that I was their personal driver and how I'm their favorite. Another person gave me a 10$ and yet another called me beautiful. 45$ on top of my paycheck is pretty awesome.

I'm so excited with everything. =D
PS, check out my new blog. 365 Reasons Why

Busted Circadian Rhythms & Whore Delights

I'm delaying getting ready for work. I'm practically a zombie. My stupidity and my busted circadian rhythm wouldn't let me sleep until four hours ago. My schedule went all wacky this weekend and I ended up getting roped into working this morning.

My mood has been all crazy lately. It's been a rollercoaster. I was pissy yesterday morning due to a friend, but then surprisingly okay as the day wore on. But then I got to work and found out Melvin is now out of jail and he never let me know, like I asked him to. So I immediately texted, still haven't gotten an answer. That put me in a shit mood for the rest of the night. Which caused a headache. Hey gang, I apparently am famous for tension headaches. I guess I'm happy to finally know why I get headaches like no one's business, I just assumed I had a screwy brain.

With the headache, my ruined manicure, and a work rush, I was ready to punch someone. When I was finally allowed to have a smoke break, I just collapsed on the ground and dazed out. I talked to Tj some about why I was upset. No names of course, but I told him the guy I liked was being douchey and that I should probably stop going after douches. He responded that girls never give good guys, like him, a chance. I said, "Tj, I haven't gone after a good guy in years. Let alone given one a chance."

Work Relations

I'm going to tell you a story today. I'm not sure how it ends just yet, but perhaps you can write it for me. Or maybe you'll make me wait and find out on my own, which would be a little mean.

So I've been working at my current job for almost three months now. I've finally started acting like myself there and I don't think some people understand my personality. Up until now, I only talked openly with a few people. I've started feeling comfortable with most of these people and decided maybe it was time for them to actually know me. For the people that do know me, you know I'm extremely sarcastic, kind of a douche, and a slight perv. I basically have the personality of a man, teamed with slight emotional instability.

I've been closing a lot as a driver lately, which entails that me along with another driver or two and the supervisor are stuck there until everything is spotless. This sometimes lasts two hours after close, depending how late we're out on deliveries or how busy it was that night. Most of the time, I close with the guys. Both Chris and Tj are recently single, so their jokes have become increasingly sexual and being myself, I can go to par with them. Sometimes I give them a look of sheer embarrassment if someone mentions one of them "double teaming" the dishes with me, sometimes I pretend to be offended if they try to avoid swiping my ass when squeezing by in the tight spaces by the sinks.

New Newsy News

So I have some news. It may not be important to you, but I'm pretty damn excited. I'll break this up into a list. Some isn't actually news, but stuff that happened today that either made me happy or confused!

1! New Blog! I started a group blog with some fellow bloggies over at 20sb. It's just random stuff we see or come across through life. Just completely random stuff that made us do a double take. I started it off a bit ago, and it's still very much under construction, but it's exciting!
2! I'm now part of the Karaoke Ring of Death, also something from 20sb. Each month there's a different theme and a bunch of us record ourselves singing a song that falls into the category. This month it's covers and rip offs. I have a few different ones in mind...
3! I finally got on base today during work. Uncle finally gave me the notorized letter the other day and I tried for the very first time tonight to deliver a very lucky Marine his wings. It worked! I'm officially base ready. Do I smell more hours?!
4! The two newly single boys at work are flirting with me. It's weird. This isn't necessarily important, just struck me as odd. I'll have to keep my eye on them...
5! I saw Jeremiah for a few minutes today and he looks rough. He deserves every bit of the pain he's in. Ha! And he actually attempted kindness. He said goodbye to me. I almost punched him. But I'm happy I controlled myself and just gave him a snotty look.
6! I think I'm going to be doing a revamp of my blog again. It's looking pretty dang crowded over there in the side bar.
7! Certain people that shall remain nameless, got me back into Twitter and I've been annoying celebrities all day. I told Charlie Sheen I was winning and Cee Lo Green that I'm happy he has a friendly penis. I'm just trying to freak one of them out enough to respond.
8! I'm now on Google+, so email or comment if you want to be a part of my circle. Honestly, it's kind of boring right now, but that might only be because I only have like five people on there. So join my circle and add me to yours and let's try to do it up like a champ!
9! I now have 51 followers!! If you guys start commenting more, maybe I'll attempt a giveaway again. The last one kind of flopped and never happened because only two people entered.
10! Honestly, I just wanted to use this last one to tell some of the people I met over on 20sb how great they are. You guys have shown me how willing you are to be there for me and I think that's amazing. Too few people in this world are willing.

20sb

I'm not sure if you've noticed, probably not but I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I've got something new and exciting on this wonderful little blog. After a week of agonizing wait for approval I have finally joined the ranks of a very prestigious blogging community. Folks, I've joined 20 Something Bloggers. I got a pretty badge to proudly display and everything. It's pretty badass.

Last night was my first day, and honestly, it's pretty epic. I have a pretty profile with my pretty face and joined a few groups and discussions. I also hung out in the chatroom for a few hours just basking in the mass awesomeness of the place. I even have friends. Me, I got friends, four of them! Is it bad that all four are boys I may or may not have sexually harassed in the chatroom and lured in with the promise of bacon? Okay, maybe only two fall into that category. Basically, the place is wicked awesome.

Well that's my plug for the day. I'm off to get a military decal on my car so my boss stops yelling at me for not being able to get on base when we get deliveries there up the wazoo. Oh, and I was stood up last night. Karma for blowing off Michael? Possibly. All I know is I'm pretty bummed because I really dug this one. =[

Stood Up

Well today was a day. I hate hangovers. I hate that I'm actually starting to get hangovers.

I got off work just before 11pm last night. I run to Walmart, buy some beer, and scoot my butt over to Andy's for the party. Given the late hour, I'm greeted by drunk faces, a hug from Melvin, and a dirty look from Jeremiah. I immediately open a beer and relax with people out on the porch. My total count by the end of the night was two beers and three shots of rum. I know, I'm embarrassed of myself too. That is such a small list. I did also hit the shit out of the elephant. Yes, elephant. Someone had an elephant bowl and that was fucking awesome. You smoked out of its trunk, epic. I ended up puking my guts out, partially on myself, but Melvin was nice and held my hair back. Thankfully I had a change of pants in my car since I had a date today, so I changed in the bathroom and passed out on Andy's bed. Who came in an hour or so later, talked to me for a few minutes, then passed out himself. I'm pretty sure he tried cuddling with me, I kept feeling an arm reach out to me. In response to that, I slept on the couch.

When I woke up this morning around 10am, I realized my pants were inside out. No wonder I had so much trouble buttoning them the night before. I couldn't find my flip flops inside anywhere, so I just grabbed my purse and walked outside. I found one on the porch, the other half way across the yard. I drove off chewing gum and went to the laundromat. I needed to wash my puke covered jeans, I needed them for work. On the way I texted Michael to let him know I was wicked hungover and physical activity was going to be too much to ask of me. So I didn't exactly stand him up, only kind of. I washed a total of two outfits, I'm such a weirdo I had dirty clothes in my car. I bought myself Subway but felt nauseous after two bites. Sitting on the floor wearing sunglasses, practically falling asleep, with sketchy ghetto black guys... Yeah, that was my morning. As soon as my clothes were done, which never happened since I took them out still damp, I left and went to my nana's empty place and passed out until forever.

I walked out to my car shirtless to get my things to get ready for work. I hope the neighbor lady enjoyed my bra. I got dressed and drove to work an hour early, I was fucking stahving and the leftover sub I had was gross from sitting for hours. Ick. I got my coffee coolatta on the way and enjoyed my greasy fried food when I got there. My tire was a little low but was okay to drive on. But a few hours later, I'm told its on the rim. Lunayoufuckingpieceofshitcar.

I have a flat spare, no jack, and no one to come save me. The supervisor lets me take her car to fill up my spare, but once I do that I realize its the tire that's warped beyond belief and therefore useless. Once back at the store, someone lets me borrow their jack. Silly boy started explaining how to jack up a car, I laughed. The boys were acting all concerned, it was funny. I got my car jacked up and the tire off with a little fighting, I had to sit there and kick it off. The second I got it off, Tj came out to help me. Such timing. But he was in a good mood and drove me to the gas station to fill the tire on the chance it was just a leak and I didn't run over something destroying the tire. Thankfully that's what it seemed to be, we didn't find any holes and it stayed inflated, even after we drove back and put it back on my car. It got me home at least.

I came home to chicken nuggets and french fries. I made some awesome sweet tea and laughed at my crazy kitten who is in one of those killer cat moods. My head still hurts, my stomach still wants to die. I feel a little guilty, a little lonely. I'm still unsure about everything, but at least I got one night off from myself.

Operation Distracted Heart

This is now a full fledged mission and I may need help, because frankly, I'm doing an awful job. I still lay awake at night thinking about him. Ugh. I've been having long talks with my best friends hoping to get some insight. My best friends are all in different phases on the love cycle. I have the happily in love commited bestie, the never had a date bestie, and the I'm sick of men and I just want to screw bestie. Every single one of them assures me I'm not going crazy and that it's okay I'm trying to distract myself. Apparently sex is fun so Shane is good to keep, I should give Michael a chance, and Mike Pop is Mike Pop and we all love him regardless. As for Nick... that's where there's different opinions. I'm either to never talk to him again so I can move on or just be friends since I personally hate not having him in my life.

Work today, sucked. I wanted to punch Jeremiah in the face and spit on the mangled remains. He had the nerve to fucking snap at me for doing my job. Thankfully the supervisor was standing right there and snapped at him considering I was doing what I was supposed to. I was more than happy that I had to close so he could go early. I wasn't the only one getting fed up with him. I'm not sure how much more of his attitude I can handle before I snap and beat the shit out of him. He's on probation. I can punch him and he'd go to jail if he hit me back. So very tempting.

To delay going home and sitting here in front of my computer, I went to Shane's. I didn't get off work until 10:30 and he has work in the morning so I couldn't stay long. I went in, took off my shoes, put a condom in my bra, and walked into his room. I took off his shirt between kisses, threw him onto the bed, ripped off his pants. I was kind of on a mission. I didn't want anything on my mind. I took off my clothes until I was standing in front of him in just my sexiest lingerie and smiled before I went down on him, like I said, mission. I tossed him the condom, took off my lingerie, and climbed on top. I'll just say we moved through a few different positions, I was choked, spanked, beaten really. I needed to be abused, I feel like I need to be. And seriously, Shane breaks me. I honestly think he's ripping apart my insides, I end up bleeding slightly each time. I left immediately after I got dressed, out by 11pm.

I'm sure all of you know by now how lucky I am. I'm driving home, pretty damn sore, and screaming songs at the top of my lungs. And which song comes on? This one.

This is the song I dedicated to him, to Nick. Of course the universe made me think of him immediately after doing something so extreme to forget him. I don't know, maybe he was right when he said fate and soul mates. I believed him then and have been trying to prove it wrong since he ended it. All I know is I'm done with the universe trying to keep me miserable. I've been through enough, right?

In further effort to distract myself, I'm not coming home tomorrow night. After work, I'm going over to Andy's for a cook out and drinking until I can't stand. I find myself drinking more and more, the fear of being an alcoholic becoming more possible and likely. Fuck it, at least it'll keep me numb for a while. If Jeremiah's at the party, shit's probably going down. Though no one wants him there so he might not... hopefully. Then I have that date Saturday morning, if I wake up. I have a feeling I might stand him up just because I'll be too drunk to wake up. I'll have to set a shit load of alarms to be sure.

Rum, Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, & Condoms

It's finally my day off and I can spill on my adventures since I blogged Wednesday night. Of course there is much more booze, sex, laughter, and a few urges to punch someone in the face. I've officially decided that while I have no clue where my life is going, I'm okay with it. I've also decided to fuck that pc no name bullshit I was going with because all the initials are getting confusing to me and I know the people, I have no clue how all you are surviving and keep my adventures straight.

Thursday morning I woke up early feeling like my insides were ripped apart the night before, in a good way. Shane, formally known as the cute boy from class, seriously knows his shit and may or may not have caused me to bleed slightly from a punctured already misformed uterus. So I got dressed and drove my little bum to work and explained to Andy, A, that I needed to get off early. Leaving work at 6 when my final is 6:30 is not preferrable when school was across town and there's tons of construction traffic going down. Thankfully he understood and Alysia agreed to come in early so I left at 5. I'm sure Jeremiah, J, was more than thrilled I was leaving just as he was getting there. I sat outside in the wonderful sunshine in my stinky work clothes and studied.

When I went in and sat down in front of the computer, I was just slightly dreading the next two hours. I read the lists of drugs we were supposed to memorize that I didn't even knew existed until just three days prior and freaked out just a little. The class filed in one by one, I stuck my tongue out at Shane when he arrived and waited for the instructions. Once actually taking the final, it wasn't so bad. I actually knew some of the drugs and the questions were only slightly tricky. I ended with a 89 on the final and a 95 in the course. Pretty damn good if I say so myself. I got a fancy certificate for passing and we all booked it out. I talked to Shane for a bit but we went our separate ways, though we drove in the same direction for a while. XD

Friday: Another day shift, another day waking up early. I decided I wanted to go to a party so Andy and Rachel, R, decided to make it happen. Once I got out, I added up my tips, bought rum, pineapple juice, and drove to Andy's. Sam was already there and she was helping Andy clean since his mom was coming with a car for him since his went caput a while ago. She didn't stay long so out came the booze. Rachel came over not much later, so shots of whiskey started. My total count for the night was five shots of whiskey and four rum and pineapple where the rum was getting stronger and stronger. More and more coworkers showed up, Jessica and Tj, which only added to the amount of children running around. Talk of Alysia and Jeremiah coming arose and everyone made it clear that he couldn't start shit with me or he'd be kicked out. But of course he couldn't act mature.

Awkward Turtle

I have work in just over an hour. A is the opening supervisor. I have a feeling this is going to be painful. I have to go in there and pretend I'm not wicked embarassed that he saw everything that went down. That he didn't see me get verbally raped by J at his house. That I didn't then start hysterically crying whilst extremely intoxicated. Which caused me to puke everywhere. This, is going to be a long, long day.

Drunken Antics

So today is J's birthday. He's officially 31 and I helped him ring it in. Yesterday after class I stopped by work for dinner and just stayed, I was avoiding going home. I hung out with a coworker, V, and made plans to drink at her place after close. Well when everyone came out, she was too busy making out with her boyfriend, who also works with us, that when J and our night supervisor were going for a drink, I tagged along. I was a little worried about how J would act, this was the first time we'd seen each other since making out in my car a few days ago, but he didn't act any different.

Our supervisor stayed for one drink and a smoke, leaving J with me. He did sit on the phone with R making later plans, but I was nursing my rum and pineapple I didn't mind much. We hung out there for a while and eventually R and the day supervisor, A, came to invite us out. After arguing with J that he was not driving my car after 7 beers, we were on our way to A's house.

At his house, I pulled out my two five packs of malt liquer, one of each had been drank. There was two cases of beer in the house, weed, and spice. The four of us drank ourselves silly. R and I danced like drunk girls do, which made A a little too excited. XD We loudly talked about sex, lesbian porn, and stalker. A blunt was passed around. Now, I only smoke when I'm drunk, and boy was I drunk. When R and A went outside, I finally gave J his birthday hug followed by many drunken kisses.

Stalker & Life

I might have a stalker. Coworker comes into work on his days off when he knows I'm there. He hovers around me to the point other people notice. At work, we call him Stalker. It's seriously creepy. I'm fully regretting that date now. Which, of course, he is telling people he regrets. Because I'm the crazy one. Psh, sure I am.

In other news, Dels is almost healed. He has two teeny scabbed areas left and if he stops scratching, they should be healed soon. Poor thing has a huge bald spot but some fur is growing back. I took his cone off and let him outside for the first time since he became sick today. He honestly had no clue what to do with himself. He freaked at every sound since he hadn't heard them in so long, it was kind of cute. What wasn't cute was the bath I had to give him when he came back in. I was soaked.

I had an old skool day. I found a copy of Super Mario Bros the movie at my local WalMart, so I obviously bought it without a second thought. I spent my night reliving my wonderful childhood and as soon as it was over, I pulled out my brand new game. Momz bought an Xbox Kinect so I got Michael Jackson: The Experience. Needless to say, I've spent hours on this game. I've spent hours singing in flasetto and humping the air.

Hee!

You Broke the Skin!

So Coworker quitting didn't last long. He texted me mid day to let me know he got his job back. Pretty awkward to have to go to work and see him. He just lingered around me, it was kind of creepy. He asked me about a thousand times if I was okay, if I was tired, if I was sick, if I was mad. He kept poking me and pinching my side like we were still flirting and I didn't just reject him. I told him everytime to stop touching me. He never really listened.

J kept joking around with me and laughed everytime we made eye contact. Apparently Coworker had also shown him the scratch marks on his back. I got serenaded with Cat Scratch Fever and Crazy Bitch all night. At one point he joked that he should start acting flirty around me to piss Coworker off. So we play flirted everytime we saw Coworker come near. At one point J loudly said, "Maybe we should go on a date." I was laughing my ass off all night. Later he told me that while I was out on a delivery, Coworker was looking pretty damn depressed and wouldn't tell J why. Probably didn't help that some of the flirty was borderline inappropriate.

I told J he was going out for drinks with me since everyone else had plans. He got off before I did so he hung around, further annoying Coworker. When I finally cashed out, we went across the street to a bar. I had my two rum and pineapple while he had a seemingly endless flow of beer. We casually flirted while playing three rounds of pool and chilling outside in the drizzle. I did win the last game, but only by default. Though I did make a badass behind the back shot. By the time 1:15am rolled by, I knew it was time to head out. I do live a half hour drive from where I was. We stayed for another song and I drove him home.

I Hate Myself

I'm finally home after two days and I've washed off the scent of regret. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep again tonight or cause another coworker to quit. It's been a tough day to say the least.

I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.

The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.

Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.

Lingerie & Wine

Bottle of wine in hand and pantless, I sit here crossed legged on my bed when the clock is about to ring midnight. I wished for 11:11, did you? Was your wish as pointless as mine? It was about the same as always, but with a slight alteration. I've always wished to be in the arms of my beloved, now I wish I could still call him that. I wished I wasn't fighting back tears as I chug this bottle trying to drown the pain. I'm trying to coddle my heart with alcohol. I'm hoping to make it numb, to easily put all my walls back. The walls that had only recently been torn down. It breaks my heart I let my guard down for the first time in years only to have it bite me in the ass.

Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.

I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.

I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.

Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.

Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.

Ramblings of a Stahving Driver

It's past six, and I haven't eatten today. I had half a Black&Mild and most of a bottle of soda, but other than the tiniest piece of pop corn chicken you have ever seen, no food has been digested. Reasons? Well I was called into work this morning before I had time to eat breakfast. They needed me stat, I didn't even get my shower. I got home about 45 minutes ago but my first priority was to shower. I felt gross. Today was a hot day and our uniforms are black. Leaving a hot kitchen only to be in a hot car is not the ideal. I sweated balls today, ick. Brother is making me dinner on per my order. Pasta sounds pretty nice right now, yay carbs!

But I can't complain too much, I got pretty good tippers today. I only went on three runs and made 16$ in tips plus 1$ per run. So this tired Miss Blogger is going to get out of this towel wrap, put on laundry day clothes, EAT, then run to the laundromat. *my tummy gurgled!* Man is my day exciting! XD

PS, Dels still has some sores, though the smaller ones have healed. I've been worried sick about him and been upset for days. He seems fun, but annoyed we won't let him outside and make him wear a cone. XD

Pick Up Or Delivery?

I finally got a job after five months of unemployment. It's a half hour drive away, but most everything is. For now I'll be working in a pizza shop to make my dough. I came home smelling of tomatoes and dirty water with a slightly more than pounding headache. I overcharged someone 15$ today because I couldn't keep the thousands of specials straight. But it was only my second day so I'm not caring too much, it was resolved in the end.

I didn't work long today, but I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm pretty tired. I'm going to lay in bed and talk to the most adorable person I know. Good night, bloggers.