Why Meeting People Off The Internet Is Awesome

Tonight was amazing. It seems like every other night I have is the best ever, but tonight was a low key good night. I've been texting this boy from the interwebs for the last couple days and tonight we decided to meet.

We ended up meeting in the Walmart parking lot where I was sitting on the hood of my car and he was in staring at me from inside his. We established we're both creepers, indecisive, and tattoo obsessed. I brought him to my new favorite bar, the one I went to for both my birthday and a week ago, and he loved the place.

Chris and I ended up having a few drinks and talking for a few hours. He made from of my accent, teased me from being from a state he hated, and we watched a bit of a baseball game on. We discussed his time in the Marines, his upcoming deployment, our families. Though making fun of the horrible karaoke singers may have been the funniest part. At one point, Chris put his arm around me and twenty minutes later kissed me. We did make out for a bit, but it was nice.

I thoroughly enjoyed my night. Not in a lustful, hot man way. But a cute crush sort of way. He's already asked to see me tomorrow after work and I'm pretty excited. I'm kind of sort of really into him. More than I thought I would.

That is why I'm now wicked pro-meeting people off the internet.

Drunk, Me That Is OH & Bastards

Oh hi there, I didn't see you. No, I actually did, I promise. I'm just slightly buzzed and I'm pretty sure I'm actually typing with a sort of normalcy. I'm going to pretend I'm not going to ramble and completely butcher this story I'm trying to tell you. It's pretty weird. Like, really. Okay... Let's start shall we?

Okay. So I wrote a little something something about this key player just the other day. It must be like, karma or something that he would try and talk to me. And me just being like FUCKIT talking back. So the dreaded ex fiancee, because I was totes cool and got engaged in high school because I thought it was trueloveforeveryo, facebook messaged me. He even made a point to say he had no motive in talking to me, just wanted to say hi, though he did ever so subtly mention the "wife". Psh, like I need to fricken know about you and your wife. Psh, PSH. That's right, PSH. I barely made coherent sentences then, or now.

But, I flirted with a cute sentry tonight, watched a trash can be whipped out a room, and called ma'am multiple times. Silly Camp Johnson and the silly things you Marines do. OH, and a coworker totes thought I was sixteen. We were talking about the crappy night and I said I just wanted a beer. He agreed and I said I would have to pick some up on the way home because I didn't have any. He's all like, "You can buy beer?" "Um, yeah. I'm 21, almost 22." "You totally look like you're sixteen." *sigh*

I DID buy that beer, well wine cooler, on the way home and split it with Momz because I bought the BIG bottle. We drank and talked and laughed at the cats and now I'm in my room with no pants. I had to punish the cats and lock them in separate bathrooms for being hooligans and knocking things over. Momz just came and let out Dels and he was sitting on the bathmat with the biggest fuck you face ever. Seriously, totes funny. Oh Dels.

Okay. I should go before I type something stupid about how much I wish I was pantsless for a good reason, like for sexy times. But I'm not, I'm just going to go to bed. Like a lameo. Or how a new boy started tonight and his name is Lindsey and how funny I think that is. Okay. Really bed now. I promise. Or at least I promise to end this post here. =]

I Love My Cock

I went to Andy's once again yesterday. As per my usual, I showed up first. But I helped him clean the house. I feel bad crashing there all the time, trashing the place, so I did his dishes and looked after B, his son. That kid is awesome. He's going to be the most badass kid when he grows up. I was drinking Ice 101 and chocolate milk, seriously try it. Tastes like mint chocolate milk, epic. I gave B the teeniest sip of it and he loved it surprisingly. When I made him a glass of strawberry milk later and asked how it was, you know what that ba kid said? "It would be better with peppermint."

Melvin showed up a little bit later bearing bags of booze for the night. Melvin and Andy bribed me into taking a shot of Hennessey. My god, I was telling them how much I hated them for a while. Andy was making the world's greatest spaghetti and I wasn't allowed to eat that until I drank some coke and Hennessey. I swear they were just trying to get me drunk even though they knew I wasn't going to be spending the night. That spaghetti was bomb, yo. Needless to say I was pretty buzzed by the time other people showed up. We got a good crowd going, running out of room for all the cars. We rode the elephant for a while, messing me up even more. =D Now we get to the interesting part of my night...

Fallen Tears Once Again

So I cried myself asleep again last night. Though it was 3:30am when I finally said fuck and closed my laptop, refusing to talk anymore. I was fighting back tears as it was during the conversation with him, but I wasn't going to cry talking to him. If I didn't leave my vodka at Andy's, I would've been chugging that last night. I was just completely miserable.

When I finally got the sobbing down and I drifted off, I dreamt. For the first time in a while, I dreamed about him. One of my best friends and I went on vacation and were exploring the wonderful city. And I saw him. It was kind of awkward. At least that's how my sleeping brain interpreted it. I don't know how else to explain bumping into someone you loved years later. So yeah, awkward.

As for Operation Distracted Heart, tonight after work I'm going to Andy's yet again. I plan to get plastered and pass out in a wicked inconvenient way. At least I plan to if I don't punch the shit out of Jeremiah if he plans on showing up. We're both working tonight and I hope I get cut first since I closed last night, only fair. Then there's that date with Michael in the morning, if I show up. Then more work! Keeping busy is the only thing keeping me relatively sane right now.

God, I don't know how you guys are putting up with me still. I'm depressing myself.

Of Course

I should call this blog "The Life & Times of a Vag". Because I'm itching to tell you my latest sexcapades. I'm still tingling from the adventure, though that might still be all that spice I smoked.

Of course the cute boy in class flirts with me on the last day. We were on the same team for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire style study game to review for the final tomorrow night. During the break we both went outside for a smoke and started talking. He asked if I studied with anyone from class and I said I haven't since I stopped being friends with another girl in class. So of course he suggested we study together and we exchanged numbers.

Once class was over, we decided to go to his place since it was the most convenient. We stopped to get some beer and got comfy at his house. Seriously, comfiest couch ever. Like legit. We drank some, smoked some, then he kissed me and we made out like crazy. I got pretty damn high, and I don't smoke often. I'm still feeling that shit. Of course we ended up in his bedroom, just like he said. That cocky bastard, haha. Though that was part of the allure, I love some confidence in a man. And did I mention the body? All muscly and hawt. Arms like oh my god, stomach like holy shit, and an adorable ass. Seeing that boy in the nude is a wonderful, wonderful sight.

Being thrown on his bed, choked, and boned like no tomorrow... I'm pretty sure he broke me. My period ended yesterday, and I was bleeding again. I have been punctured and it felt amazing. Of course we needed a second go around. Of course this is going to happen again. He is deff my new favorite playmate. We did talk and hang out, so there is the beginning of a friendship there. But mostly I do not want to keep my hands off him. Got to love just falling into lust and acting crazy.

I loooooove ruining one guy's day the same time I'm making anothers. =]

I've Been Conditioned

I'm probably just being hormonal, which is wicked likely, but I'm fighting back tears. I don't know what it is. Okay, I do but I wish I didn't.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I'm tired of feeling awkward. I'm tired of my feelings not being returned. I'm tired of those I care about being taken away. I'm tired of this stupid muscle in my chest making me a crazy person. I'm tired of my coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms? Drink until I don't care. Ignore emotions until I'm numb. Think with my vag rather than my brain. I've been conditioned to be more comfortable with my tongue down someone's throat than having my heart on my sleeve.

Maybe it was seeing my latest conquest this morning, maybe it was seeing the picture of the person I love, maybe it was the text of the guy I might have a date with, maybe it was all of those or none at all. The most likely explanation is I'm going crazy. Or just lonely. I haven't been held by someone who actually loved me romantically in years. I spend most nights in bed with my heart aching for something in return.

But when you get down to it, I'm a difficult bitch and scare most people off. I tend to be a hate me or love me kind of person when you really get to know me. It's just another way I was conditioned.

You Broke the Skin!

So Coworker quitting didn't last long. He texted me mid day to let me know he got his job back. Pretty awkward to have to go to work and see him. He just lingered around me, it was kind of creepy. He asked me about a thousand times if I was okay, if I was tired, if I was sick, if I was mad. He kept poking me and pinching my side like we were still flirting and I didn't just reject him. I told him everytime to stop touching me. He never really listened.

J kept joking around with me and laughed everytime we made eye contact. Apparently Coworker had also shown him the scratch marks on his back. I got serenaded with Cat Scratch Fever and Crazy Bitch all night. At one point he joked that he should start acting flirty around me to piss Coworker off. So we play flirted everytime we saw Coworker come near. At one point J loudly said, "Maybe we should go on a date." I was laughing my ass off all night. Later he told me that while I was out on a delivery, Coworker was looking pretty damn depressed and wouldn't tell J why. Probably didn't help that some of the flirty was borderline inappropriate.

I told J he was going out for drinks with me since everyone else had plans. He got off before I did so he hung around, further annoying Coworker. When I finally cashed out, we went across the street to a bar. I had my two rum and pineapple while he had a seemingly endless flow of beer. We casually flirted while playing three rounds of pool and chilling outside in the drizzle. I did win the last game, but only by default. Though I did make a badass behind the back shot. By the time 1:15am rolled by, I knew it was time to head out. I do live a half hour drive from where I was. We stayed for another song and I drove him home.

I Hate Myself

I'm finally home after two days and I've washed off the scent of regret. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep again tonight or cause another coworker to quit. It's been a tough day to say the least.

I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.

The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.

Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.

Complicated Mess

I spent the majority of my day cleaning up Nana's house and helping her pack. She's leaving in the morning to venture back to the Cape for the summer. Gawd I'm jealous. I wish I was going with her. I ran around doing errands for her in the early afternoon. I have to admit I was that wicked annoying chick breaking a 100$ for a 5$ purchase. I'm pretty sure I saw the cashier glaring at me. What bitch, you had mad dough in yo drawer! I saw that shit! Have I mentioned I act ghetto when I'm telling people off in my mind? Shit just happened.

When I returned to her house she left to pay bills and left me with dahling Chipper. He seemed absolutely bored sitting on the porch with me while I was listening to music and texting Coworker. We were debating the use of pet names. I've gotten like, three from him and have no clue what I did to earn them. Apparently I'm "sweetheart", "hun", and "angel". The last is my personal one. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me knows I'm no angel. I'm kind of a bitch. He's not close enough to get one from me yet. You have to earn that shit.

When my fried chicken arrived, I was balls deep in that delish, greasy mess of amazingness. Heaven. We were still packing the car when a burly black man walked by. Whooooosh, Chipper chases him barking his little heart out. Nana assures the man that Chipper won't hurt him, he just has an issue with men. I finished cleaning and responded to a text from Coworker. I headed out and stopped at work on the way. I parked, lit up a smoke and leaned against the side of the building. Coworker hung out with me and we chatted away inbetween puffs. He pinched my side, attempted to put his arm around me. That kind of felt weird. I allowed him to pull me closer but not as close as he wished and he kept his arm to himself. Another dude we work with, J, stood there with us and we talked about how ladylike I am for a few minutes after I spit.

This Is The Here And Now

I've been thinking a lot lately about Cape Cod.

It seems pretty understandable, I did live there almost my entire life. I'd say 19 of the 21 years of life in one place is bound to get you attached. The beaches are places I'm never going to forget. It was great knowing just which one to visit to find the best jetty to run down, the perfect sand that was just soft enough, the best water to swim without all the seaweed, the one without the crabs that always pinched you feet, even where to find sand dollars. It was always nice knowing you were never futher than a few miles from the ocean, the smell of seawater a constant in the air. It's how I grew up, even when I went off to college there was the ocean just a five minute walk away. It seemed like the beach was always the place to drink, I wouldn't be a true Cape Codder without at least one drunken night on the sand. And believe me, there were a few. Many of the best stories somehow involved the ocean we were surrounded by. Or at least, some of my personal favorite outtings were on the beach.

When I first moved to North Carolina, it came as a shock that I was at least an hour drive from the ocean. An hour, I'm sure I screamed. I hated it immediately. Even if I didn't go to the beach all that much, it was just a comfort to have it there. Beyond my street is a while mess of trees, sort of like the beginning of a small forest. Or perhaps just someone's undeveloped backyard, who knows. I didn't go past these trees until only about a month ago and I was disappointed. I know it wasn't possible, but I had to stuck in my mind the ocean was beyond those trees. The ocean was still only a short walk down the street and I could go there whenever I wished. I realized I lived in the middle of the state, no where near any possible body of water, but I didn't care. It was my little reassurance, my security blanket, that this was home. Finally going beyond all the trees to only find more trees and more towns, it broke a little part of me. I'm in a completely different place, way down the east coast in a place I'm not used to. I'm getting more settled with each day, but not entirely comfortable. It'll happen eventually, I know, I'm just getting a little impatient.

I'll find my ocean again someday.

The Tales and Trials of Womanhood

When the only thing you want to wear is head to toe sweats, you might be hormonal. When the only thing you can make yourself do is cuddle in blankets in front of the tv, you might be hormonal. When all you want to drink is highly sweetened hot beverages, you might be hormonal. When all you want to eat is pretty much anything in sight, you might be hormonal. Sometimes being a woman, really sucks. When every other thing about me screams child, you think my body would comply. I act like a child, my body should as well.

I cancelled my interview this morning mainly because I couldn't bring myself to go to it. I figured writhing in pain was bad for a job interview. I know it's only uphill from here but I hope it doesn't take too long. Wrapping myself in warm blankets with junk food sounds like pretty much the best in the entire world right now.

I'm counting down the days until class begins and now that I have a friend joining me, it'll be even better. I'm ready for a good career where I can make bank and go off on my own. I'm getting a little tired of the living with mommy thing and want my own place. I'm old enough to make my own decisions and I shouldn't have to run it past someone first. And goddamn it, I want to have a drink in my own house without having to hide it in my bedroom. I want to be able to come home and have a cold drink. Cold because it's been in my fridge and not in my closet. It was one thing to hide my drinking when I was underage but I'm legal now, it's rediculous to have to hide it now.