The Best Night I've Had In A Long Time

I just got home and it's just past 3am. But it's cool because I don't have work for fourteen hours give or take. I'm still slightly buzzed and elated from everything that just happened.

Disclaimer: I'm still buzzed from the bar therefore this gets very explicit.

While at work, Erika and I decided that we were going out afterwards. We needed to plan my Halloween costume for the big party and maybe we wanted a drink. Or two. I was scheduled off before she was, but she had come in a few hours earlier, so fingers crossed we'd get out around the same time.

An hour of waiting, a phone call from the Momz, and we were off. Momz requested I picked her up at work since she was on the motorcycle and there was a thunderstorm abrewing. Completely understandable, and since we were only planning on going to our local 24hour Walmart, Erika and I didn't mind.

We took the trip back to my place, met Momz, who ended up just taking the coat I brought and decided to driver herself since the rain had stopped, back to my place to change into nicer clothes. Nice clothes meaning, clothes that aren't work clothes. Dressed in low cut shirts, wedge heels, and a touch of makeup, we drove the half hour trip back into town.

We made our first stop to Walmart and I found my costume. I'm going to be a fallen angel. I bought black wings, I might wear Erika's black corset, fishnets, heels. I'm just not sure about the bottoms. I can't decide what sort of skirt to wear. Frustrating. Now, to the bar!

Drunk, Me That Is OH & Bastards

Oh hi there, I didn't see you. No, I actually did, I promise. I'm just slightly buzzed and I'm pretty sure I'm actually typing with a sort of normalcy. I'm going to pretend I'm not going to ramble and completely butcher this story I'm trying to tell you. It's pretty weird. Like, really. Okay... Let's start shall we?

Okay. So I wrote a little something something about this key player just the other day. It must be like, karma or something that he would try and talk to me. And me just being like FUCKIT talking back. So the dreaded ex fiancee, because I was totes cool and got engaged in high school because I thought it was trueloveforeveryo, facebook messaged me. He even made a point to say he had no motive in talking to me, just wanted to say hi, though he did ever so subtly mention the "wife". Psh, like I need to fricken know about you and your wife. Psh, PSH. That's right, PSH. I barely made coherent sentences then, or now.

But, I flirted with a cute sentry tonight, watched a trash can be whipped out a room, and called ma'am multiple times. Silly Camp Johnson and the silly things you Marines do. OH, and a coworker totes thought I was sixteen. We were talking about the crappy night and I said I just wanted a beer. He agreed and I said I would have to pick some up on the way home because I didn't have any. He's all like, "You can buy beer?" "Um, yeah. I'm 21, almost 22." "You totally look like you're sixteen." *sigh*

I DID buy that beer, well wine cooler, on the way home and split it with Momz because I bought the BIG bottle. We drank and talked and laughed at the cats and now I'm in my room with no pants. I had to punish the cats and lock them in separate bathrooms for being hooligans and knocking things over. Momz just came and let out Dels and he was sitting on the bathmat with the biggest fuck you face ever. Seriously, totes funny. Oh Dels.

Okay. I should go before I type something stupid about how much I wish I was pantsless for a good reason, like for sexy times. But I'm not, I'm just going to go to bed. Like a lameo. Or how a new boy started tonight and his name is Lindsey and how funny I think that is. Okay. Really bed now. I promise. Or at least I promise to end this post here. =]

I Say Vag A Lot

I'm sitting here all decked out, in a sleepy way. I had another proposed date tonight, but stood up once again. That boy is officially on my shit list. But I'm wearing my best, laciest lingerie, boxers, shirt that all but shows off said lacy bra, and my hair is all wavy and beautiful. I pulled out all the stops for tonight but when he was thirty minutes late I gave up and drove home. Apparently I'm only worth his joke. Aw shucks.

It's got me thinking even more about the relationship bullshit we put ourselves through. Putting so much effort into something that's probably just going to implode somewhere down the line. So I would like to welcome back and introduce you all to Cold, Heartless Bitch Jess. I missed her and I know you'll all love her. She ditched the black pit that was once her heart and only thinks with her vag. And has shittons of fun while she's at it.

I haven't really used my alter ego since moving and damn am I ready for it. I began to a few weeks ago. I'm sure you all remember. Stalker to Jeremiah to Shane, who by the way I need to call. God that boy is just what I need right now. String free boning. Yes please! I stopped using her to try and keep my numbers down. That was a wicked funny celibacy stint, SO glad I kicked that. My vag was becoming quite sick of Fernando. He might be good for a quick fix during a lonely night, but nowhere near as good as the real thing. Batteries only go so far. And obviously doesn't beat me. I would prefer to be bruised up just a tad, please? Haha, sex deprivation is sinking in quickly. I may have to call Shane tomorrow after work. XD

Rantrantrant. I'm just all over the place tonight, and I swear I'm sober. Promise. Pinky swear. Satisfied? Good. Now moral of the story? Always put your vag first. =]

Lingerie & Wine

Bottle of wine in hand and pantless, I sit here crossed legged on my bed when the clock is about to ring midnight. I wished for 11:11, did you? Was your wish as pointless as mine? It was about the same as always, but with a slight alteration. I've always wished to be in the arms of my beloved, now I wish I could still call him that. I wished I wasn't fighting back tears as I chug this bottle trying to drown the pain. I'm trying to coddle my heart with alcohol. I'm hoping to make it numb, to easily put all my walls back. The walls that had only recently been torn down. It breaks my heart I let my guard down for the first time in years only to have it bite me in the ass.

Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.

I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.

I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.

Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.

Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.

Botched Threesome & Bad Decisions

When my weeks on Cape were winding down, my social calender was getting pretty full. Everyone seemed to want to have a least one night with my company before I disappeared into the horizon forever. One night I was at work, I got a text from Bestie telling me I'm picking her up from the mall to hang out that night. Soon after I received this from her phone:

This is Tom. Bring the backpack.

Now I should probably explain the backpack. I had several contraband items in my room, so while packing I put everything that could cause Mom to bite my head off into my backpack. It was quite genius. I'll let you guess it's contents. Don't worry, you'll find out during the story.

As soon as I clocked out, I drove to the mall ten miles down the road to pick up Bestie and Tom. On the way, I was texting my crush at the time, Chuckie, a delightful Brazilian who made me tingly in all the right ways. We drove to my house and I grabbed my backpack and overnight clothes for Bestie and I. While waiting for Chuckie and Gannon, the two had quite a bromance, the three of us went to the grocery store located conveniently behind my house to grab chocolate milk, sprite, and orange juice. Back in my neighborhood, we noticed a few kids drinking and demanded Tom freestyle for them, he was half black and had rhyme. Chuckie and Gannon arrived.