I've Been Conditioned

I'm probably just being hormonal, which is wicked likely, but I'm fighting back tears. I don't know what it is. Okay, I do but I wish I didn't.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I'm tired of feeling awkward. I'm tired of my feelings not being returned. I'm tired of those I care about being taken away. I'm tired of this stupid muscle in my chest making me a crazy person. I'm tired of my coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms? Drink until I don't care. Ignore emotions until I'm numb. Think with my vag rather than my brain. I've been conditioned to be more comfortable with my tongue down someone's throat than having my heart on my sleeve.

Maybe it was seeing my latest conquest this morning, maybe it was seeing the picture of the person I love, maybe it was the text of the guy I might have a date with, maybe it was all of those or none at all. The most likely explanation is I'm going crazy. Or just lonely. I haven't been held by someone who actually loved me romantically in years. I spend most nights in bed with my heart aching for something in return.

But when you get down to it, I'm a difficult bitch and scare most people off. I tend to be a hate me or love me kind of person when you really get to know me. It's just another way I was conditioned.

Damn You

I've been feeling like death lately. My sinuses are all out of wack and the cold meds don't agree with me. So I'm either in pain or completely out of it. If I'm not sleeping, I'm rarely lucid. It hasn't been too fun. This isn't that relevant, but it's my excuse for ignoring you. That and I don't have much to talk about.

Ghosts of Love Past

I'm actually letting myself feel tonight. I'm listening to sad love songs and my heart aches. Aches for those I've loved in the past, the one I still love, the unrequited. I've been numbing myself with so much alcohol and meaningless physical distractions so I could pretend I don't actually feel this way. I hate feeling vulnerable and that's exactly how I feel now.

The first boy to say he loved me? Well he was my first real boyfriend, the one who didn't cheat on me every night. I was fourteen and just coming into this world. He was a month younger, but a school year higher. Silly cut offs that vary by state. It felt incredible to hear someone say those three words. I was still so unsure of myself that I was overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Though first loves and relationships rarely last and this flickered out just a few short months later. We still occasionally talk, but only as acquaintances.

I had three major relationships in high school. Each was increasingly more intense than the prior and each said they loved me. I was engaged to the last, but you all know that story. That relationship has haunted me for the past three years, so I guess I really did love him. Other than those three, another boy claimed to love me but that was a two day relationship. I didn't put much stock into it and I never returned the phrase, slightly unlike me.

Awkward Turtle

I have work in just over an hour. A is the opening supervisor. I have a feeling this is going to be painful. I have to go in there and pretend I'm not wicked embarassed that he saw everything that went down. That he didn't see me get verbally raped by J at his house. That I didn't then start hysterically crying whilst extremely intoxicated. Which caused me to puke everywhere. This, is going to be a long, long day.

Cry Through The Vomit

So basically J is an insecure, immature, whiney little bitch.

R and A invited me over for a party Sunday and we rescheduled it to yesterday since we all had today off. Halfway through the day, I got a text from R telling me J would be there too. I didn't care either way, it's not like I had a problem with him or anything, just slightly annoyed. I was laughing about the situation more than anything.  So when I got off work at ten, I drove over to get shitted.

I arrived to the house and R began telling me things J said before I got there. How he told everyone and told his parents he remembers nothing about the other night. That I left and came back, got mosquito bites, and kissed him in public. That he didn't want a girlfriend. I laughed. I guess he said it unprovoked the second he heard I was on my way. He awkwardly said hi to me after ten minutes and acted like a douche for the rest of the night.