Another Spiral

So here we are. Restriction is over and it seems I've gotten the answer to my worries.

There's been no contact. No phone call, no text returning mine, no meeting. Appears all my fears were well founded and are now confirmed. I've put myself into the exact situation I didn't want to be in. I swore off emotions months ago so I wouldn't have to feel like I do now. But he wore me down and broke through the walls I had up.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, though I'll blame that on the Notebook, listening to depressing country songs, and thinking about everything I did wrong and those I've loved in the past. Granted I'm not in love currently, that's where my mind tends to go. Quite often in fact.

Perhaps I'm thinking over past loves because I've been talking to one recently. He was the last serious relationship I had and apparently I made an impression. We were good for each other and surprisingly I'm a compassionate and considerate girlfriend. But we wanted different things with our lives and it never would have gone further.

Then I think about the last person I fell for, which didn't end well. I suppose that's when my walls began to go up. I fell hard completely only to be crushed. So I don't trust people. Because of him, because of the infamous ex, because of death, because of experience.

I'm fighting the urge to hurt myself. I know where my scalpel is and I want to use it. Not because a boy stood me up. But because of the constant feelings of inadequacy I've had lately. I've been having bouts of depression again. I've been feeling that I'm never going to be good enough or accomplish anything. All I want to do is stay in bed forever and pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it certainly isn't going to miss me.

The screen is beginning to blur more and more as the tears start to fall again. I don't have really anyone to talk to. I have some friends, but no one I could call at 1am and just cry to. I honestly don't think I have anyone that would be there for me through anything. I would be there for them, but probably not for me.

I'm leaving these headphones on and leaving my phone across the room. I'm blocking it all out.

My Inner Turmoil Of The Moment

Well here we are on day 32 of 45 and I'm starting to doubt my decision to go ahead with a relationship. I honestly think I'm too much of an emotional wreck to drag another person that deeply into my world. Over the last couple days I've had these powerful depressive moods where all I want to do is cry and think about how insignificant in the world. I'm beginning to feel as though all the important people in my life are disappearing and I don't seem to be handling that well. I'm still heavily mourning the death of my friend and now the weird emotional attachments to my Marine are starting to feel strange.

In two weeks I might hear from him. I'm afraid I won't, that he forgot about me. On the other hand, I'm kind of hoping he has forgotten about me. It'll save me some emotional turmoil. It'll save me all the effort I'd need to figure out if I'm ready to bring someone in. I miss him more than anything. I love his laugh and his ease at making me laugh. I feel comfortable with him and everything we've done. But love, commitment, long term... Those concepts terrify me. Just thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills and pretend it was never brought up. How I'm to get over this, I suppose time is the only answer. Unless of course someone out there has some secret remedy they could share.

If I pretend I don't have these feelings of longing or romance, if I pretend that I'm not still miserable about death, then I appear happy. I can joke around and flirt with randoms. I can live out my day as though I have no serious concerns or cares. I like that world. The oblivious world I have created for myself. It's rather nice here.

Not Enough Distractions

I'm feeling damn conflicted lately. I'm lonely, angry. I miss Rob. I miss the new boy. But I wish I  didn't miss either. Next week will be three months since the death and I still think of Rob almost daily. It's been about eighteen days since I last saw the boy, who went and got himself on Marine restriction for 45 days.  If we were able to talk, this would be so much easier.

The first night of his restriction, I went to a bar and got trashed. I ended up telling everyone I had a boyfriend and making out with a cowboy whose hat I stole, a chick who wanted to take me home with her boyfriend, and turned down two other offers. It felt pretty damn good. Until I saw that cowboy the following week during work.

Last Monday I went out again all dolled up. Hit on someone else. My god what a prude. I got a hug, kiss on the forehead, and a number. Which he didn't use. It's not like I wanted to fuck the dude. Just make out.
 I just want a little validation since I can't talk to the person I really want to.

I'm still single, but I supposed I'm emotionally taken? I'm not sleeping with anyone because I'm only thinking of one person. Making out and hitting on people is just a distraction from these stronger feelings. I don't like feelings and it's kind of freaking me out. I like him. I haven't seriously wanted to date someone in a long time, even before all the commitment phobe trouble. And now I'm all insecure about being the only one with feelings.

Oh, I also had to take a delivery to Drunk Dick the other day. Awkward much? Ugh.

We Need To Talk

I met his friends last night. He decided I should meet them, so we went to nickel draft night at a local country bar. It was actually a lot of fun. But I got drunk and started talking.

The topic of a relationship came up. I was rambling about commitment issues at the beginning and then admitting we're pretty much dating as it is. Luckily, he was sober enough to decide to save that conversation for a time when we're both sober.

We were supposed to meet after work, but things came up on both our ends. On the phone he said he wanted to continue our conversation. I told him I was drunk and an idiot, to completely ignore anything I said.  That it wasn't something totally pressing. However, he still wishes to have that conversation.

It seems we're both messed up in the relationship department. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and am still grieving the death of my friend. His last girlfriend committed suicide while they were together. I think he won.

I'm So Confused

I hate commitment. I hate feelings. I hate all that touchy feely romance shit.

I think I like someone. I enjoy spending time with him. I smile when I think of him.

It could be the sex. I'm going with the sex. I'm infatuated with lust and sex.

My mind is a state of utter confusion and irritation.