Winter Blues

I go for my certification in just a few days.

After waiting a year and a half  for the  green light, I'm finally able to take the exam that will give me the slight extra responsibility at work. I'll be thankful I won't have to be buried in pharmacological texts.

Add that stress to my normal winter funk... I really hate this time of year. The holidays remind  most people of family. All it makes me think of is death. We're coming up on three years without my brother. His suicide just magnifies my depression and suicidal thoughts.

Just before Thanksgiving I relapsed. It had been over a year since I had hurt myself. Then I spent one month  cutting myself just about everyday. I didn't tell anyone until last night. The only reason I even told him was the possibility of him seeing my scars the next time I see him...

I seriously hate winter.

Hello...

It's been a long three years...

I've been trying to determine whether or not opening this back up would be a good idea. I wish I could act as if this past years never happened and perhaps I wouldn't have fallen so out of touch with the world that meant so much to me.

I'm going to try harder, I promise.

Unexpected

My brother died the morning of January 9, 2013. One month to the day my grandmother passed. But lets back up a little bit.

I was feeling a little ill the night before. I had been camped out on the living room couch for almost a week. Momz made a nice family dinner and the three of us gathered in the living room for some TV and good times. We all joked around, poking fun at one another. It was an awesome night.

The next morning I woke up around noon. It was my day off and I was still feeling under the weather. Everyone was at work, so I was glad to have the house to myself. I remained fixed to the couch with the remote at my side.

Momz got home around three and hung out for an hour or so before leaving to pick Justin up from work at five. She got back an hour later alone saying he never made it to work. At this point it was dusk and she noticed a light coming from the shed.

Next thing I know, she's running back into the house telling me to call 911. Justin was dead and had been for hours.

Blur

Most of my fall was a huge drunken blur. I drank whenever I wasn't at work, spending most of it numb. I was trying to avoid facing a handful of things. I spent nights, although it was usually just an hour, with different guys. I wasn't a fan of repeats. That lead to the rape. It didn't stop my behavior for some reason.

I didn't stop drinking until around Thanksgiving. My grandmother was dying, I was suicidal, and I felt like I had no friends. When she did pass, I decided I needed to be more serious about things. I realized I needed to take relationships seriously. I stopped hooking up and looking for something real.

Then my brother died.

Where To Start

I'm not even sure where to start. I should probably discuss my six months of heavily drinking. Or maybe the absurd amount of one nights stands. The rape. The girl's  whose life I temporally ruined. Perhaps my family deaths.

I've been such a horrid person and I'm only beginning to become a decent human being again. This is going to majorly suck.