I'm probably just being hormonal, which is wicked likely, but I'm fighting back tears. I don't know what it is. Okay, I do but I wish I didn't.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I'm tired of feeling awkward. I'm tired of my feelings not being returned. I'm tired of those I care about being taken away. I'm tired of this stupid muscle in my chest making me a crazy person. I'm tired of my coping mechanisms.
My coping mechanisms? Drink until I don't care. Ignore emotions until I'm numb. Think with my vag rather than my brain. I've been conditioned to be more comfortable with my tongue down someone's throat than having my heart on my sleeve.
Maybe it was seeing my latest conquest this morning, maybe it was seeing the picture of the person I love, maybe it was the text of the guy I might have a date with, maybe it was all of those or none at all. The most likely explanation is I'm going crazy. Or just lonely. I haven't been held by someone who actually loved me romantically in years. I spend most nights in bed with my heart aching for something in return.
But when you get down to it, I'm a difficult bitch and scare most people off. I tend to be a hate me or love me kind of person when you really get to know me. It's just another way I was conditioned.
31 May 2011
29 May 2011
Damn You
I've been feeling like death lately. My sinuses are all out of wack and the cold meds don't agree with me. So I'm either in pain or completely out of it. If I'm not sleeping, I'm rarely lucid. It hasn't been too fun. This isn't that relevant, but it's my excuse for ignoring you. That and I don't have much to talk about.
26 May 2011
Ghosts of Love Past
I'm actually letting myself feel tonight. I'm listening to sad love songs and my heart aches. Aches for those I've loved in the past, the one I still love, the unrequited. I've been numbing myself with so much alcohol and meaningless physical distractions so I could pretend I don't actually feel this way. I hate feeling vulnerable and that's exactly how I feel now.
The first boy to say he loved me? Well he was my first real boyfriend, the one who didn't cheat on me every night. I was fourteen and just coming into this world. He was a month younger, but a school year higher. Silly cut offs that vary by state. It felt incredible to hear someone say those three words. I was still so unsure of myself that I was overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Though first loves and relationships rarely last and this flickered out just a few short months later. We still occasionally talk, but only as acquaintances.
I had three major relationships in high school. Each was increasingly more intense than the prior and each said they loved me. I was engaged to the last, but you all know that story. That relationship has haunted me for the past three years, so I guess I really did love him. Other than those three, another boy claimed to love me but that was a two day relationship. I didn't put much stock into it and I never returned the phrase, slightly unlike me.
The first boy to say he loved me? Well he was my first real boyfriend, the one who didn't cheat on me every night. I was fourteen and just coming into this world. He was a month younger, but a school year higher. Silly cut offs that vary by state. It felt incredible to hear someone say those three words. I was still so unsure of myself that I was overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Though first loves and relationships rarely last and this flickered out just a few short months later. We still occasionally talk, but only as acquaintances.
I had three major relationships in high school. Each was increasingly more intense than the prior and each said they loved me. I was engaged to the last, but you all know that story. That relationship has haunted me for the past three years, so I guess I really did love him. Other than those three, another boy claimed to love me but that was a two day relationship. I didn't put much stock into it and I never returned the phrase, slightly unlike me.
Awkward Turtle
I have work in just over an hour. A is the opening supervisor. I have a feeling this is going to be painful. I have to go in there and pretend I'm not wicked embarassed that he saw everything that went down. That he didn't see me get verbally raped by J at his house. That I didn't then start hysterically crying whilst extremely intoxicated. Which caused me to puke everywhere. This, is going to be a long, long day.
25 May 2011
Cry Through The Vomit
So basically J is an insecure, immature, whiney little bitch.
R and A invited me over for a party Sunday and we rescheduled it to yesterday since we all had today off. Halfway through the day, I got a text from R telling me J would be there too. I didn't care either way, it's not like I had a problem with him or anything, just slightly annoyed. I was laughing about the situation more than anything. So when I got off work at ten, I drove over to get shitted.
I arrived to the house and R began telling me things J said before I got there. How he told everyone and told his parents he remembers nothing about the other night. That I left and came back, got mosquito bites, and kissed him in public. That he didn't want a girlfriend. I laughed. I guess he said it unprovoked the second he heard I was on my way. He awkwardly said hi to me after ten minutes and acted like a douche for the rest of the night.
R and A invited me over for a party Sunday and we rescheduled it to yesterday since we all had today off. Halfway through the day, I got a text from R telling me J would be there too. I didn't care either way, it's not like I had a problem with him or anything, just slightly annoyed. I was laughing about the situation more than anything. So when I got off work at ten, I drove over to get shitted.
I arrived to the house and R began telling me things J said before I got there. How he told everyone and told his parents he remembers nothing about the other night. That I left and came back, got mosquito bites, and kissed him in public. That he didn't want a girlfriend. I laughed. I guess he said it unprovoked the second he heard I was on my way. He awkwardly said hi to me after ten minutes and acted like a douche for the rest of the night.
24 May 2011
Friend Zoned
Girl got friend zoned. Same day as the best sex ever. Kind of a buzz kill. Really. I've summarized this story so many times in the last few days to give bits and pieces to the people who know what's going on. Like the people that saw us making out. But let's get into this.
It's Friday morning. I wake up to my alarm at 4am. I'm honestly surprised I'm awake since J kept me up texting until past 2am. I get dressed, shaving my legs and putting on my good lingerie. Grabbing my stuff for the next day, I walk out my door and get into my car. I drive down my dirt road and call J as I pull out the actual roads with actual pavement. He doesn't answer. Sometimes men make me laugh, they tell you to call when you're on your way to wake them up and they don't answer. I call him about eight times on the half hour drive and still get no answer. Pulling up to his house, I get out and walk over to the tent trying not to die in the prickers. Once I'm standing outside the tent, I call him once more to laugh as I hear his phone ringing from two feet in front of me.
Still laughing, I unzip the tent and slipping out of my shoes, I step inside. I sit down and nudge him. I giggle to myself as he slowly wakes up with more and more nudging. Eventually when he's coherent enough, I crawl in next to him and we cuddle for a bit. We begin to kiss after a while and it doesn't take long for it to get heated. Once we get into it, we slip our hands south and pants come undone. We give way into some manual play, enjoying ourselves quite a bit. I'm feeling in a giving mood for some strange reason, so I go down on him. That doesn't happen often, I'm pretty greedy. I tease him for a while before I stop and go back to kissing him. After this, it takes no time for pants to be gone, my shirt gone. Well, I took off my shirt because I was not enjoying the whole bra tangled in shirt thing going on in my face. Me being naked pretty much sealed the deal.
It's Friday morning. I wake up to my alarm at 4am. I'm honestly surprised I'm awake since J kept me up texting until past 2am. I get dressed, shaving my legs and putting on my good lingerie. Grabbing my stuff for the next day, I walk out my door and get into my car. I drive down my dirt road and call J as I pull out the actual roads with actual pavement. He doesn't answer. Sometimes men make me laugh, they tell you to call when you're on your way to wake them up and they don't answer. I call him about eight times on the half hour drive and still get no answer. Pulling up to his house, I get out and walk over to the tent trying not to die in the prickers. Once I'm standing outside the tent, I call him once more to laugh as I hear his phone ringing from two feet in front of me.
Still laughing, I unzip the tent and slipping out of my shoes, I step inside. I sit down and nudge him. I giggle to myself as he slowly wakes up with more and more nudging. Eventually when he's coherent enough, I crawl in next to him and we cuddle for a bit. We begin to kiss after a while and it doesn't take long for it to get heated. Once we get into it, we slip our hands south and pants come undone. We give way into some manual play, enjoying ourselves quite a bit. I'm feeling in a giving mood for some strange reason, so I go down on him. That doesn't happen often, I'm pretty greedy. I tease him for a while before I stop and go back to kissing him. After this, it takes no time for pants to be gone, my shirt gone. Well, I took off my shirt because I was not enjoying the whole bra tangled in shirt thing going on in my face. Me being naked pretty much sealed the deal.
22 May 2011
WAR
I'm procrastinating and I'm stealing shit. And I am honestly not in the mood to go into the depths of my last few days yet. My vag and heart are having a war.
1. Do you like blue cheese? Occasionally, sometimes my salad need some all over lovin'.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Have I ever claimed to enjoy needles?
3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but I want to learn how to shoot one.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink? I like french vanilla in my ice coffee, everything else is usually sugar.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Usually, especially since my last two were the lady doctor and they told me I might have cancer.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? They're gross, I only eat them very certain ways.
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Tea.
9. Can you do push ups? Psh, like I'm a macho man or something.
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My Cape Cod bracelet.
18 May 2011
Drunken Antics
So today is J's birthday. He's officially 31 and I helped him ring it in. Yesterday after class I stopped by work for dinner and just stayed, I was avoiding going home. I hung out with a coworker, V, and made plans to drink at her place after close. Well when everyone came out, she was too busy making out with her boyfriend, who also works with us, that when J and our night supervisor were going for a drink, I tagged along. I was a little worried about how J would act, this was the first time we'd seen each other since making out in my car a few days ago, but he didn't act any different.
Our supervisor stayed for one drink and a smoke, leaving J with me. He did sit on the phone with R making later plans, but I was nursing my rum and pineapple I didn't mind much. We hung out there for a while and eventually R and the day supervisor, A, came to invite us out. After arguing with J that he was not driving my car after 7 beers, we were on our way to A's house.
At his house, I pulled out my two five packs of malt liquer, one of each had been drank. There was two cases of beer in the house, weed, and spice. The four of us drank ourselves silly. R and I danced like drunk girls do, which made A a little too excited. XD We loudly talked about sex, lesbian porn, and stalker. A blunt was passed around. Now, I only smoke when I'm drunk, and boy was I drunk. When R and A went outside, I finally gave J his birthday hug followed by many drunken kisses.
Our supervisor stayed for one drink and a smoke, leaving J with me. He did sit on the phone with R making later plans, but I was nursing my rum and pineapple I didn't mind much. We hung out there for a while and eventually R and the day supervisor, A, came to invite us out. After arguing with J that he was not driving my car after 7 beers, we were on our way to A's house.
At his house, I pulled out my two five packs of malt liquer, one of each had been drank. There was two cases of beer in the house, weed, and spice. The four of us drank ourselves silly. R and I danced like drunk girls do, which made A a little too excited. XD We loudly talked about sex, lesbian porn, and stalker. A blunt was passed around. Now, I only smoke when I'm drunk, and boy was I drunk. When R and A went outside, I finally gave J his birthday hug followed by many drunken kisses.
17 May 2011
I Got An Award
Jamie over at It's A Gay Life is just so awesome. He gave me this adorably cute award today.
If you've never read him, I suggest you do. I love him in all his cute gay glory. Jamie makes me laugh with almost every post and I love seeing him around the Shop.
I was awarded this because of my honesty and straight forwardness in my blog. What can I say, I'm pretty damn blunt at times and I hate to hold anything back. So for something new about myself, which is kind of hard because my standards are on my About Me page.
I'm a contradiction. I long to be in love, but it scares the shit out of me. I fancy myself a poet, but I haven't written a decent verse in years. I strive for independence, but I love the stability of a relationship. I can be a sweetheart that you cannot help loving and I can be the bitch to fuck you up.
Now to pass it on. This might be harder than saying something about myself! Most the blogs I read are the more well known.
Jamie - It's A Gay Life
Well, I'm re-gifting. I honestly do love reading Jamie's posts. They're real and honest. It's probably one of my very favorites and I light up when I see a new post in my Blogs I'm Following tab.
Becky - Steam Me Up, Kid
This crazy chick has the best stories. She's one of my more recent discoveries and every once in a while I kick myself for not finding it sooner.
Julie - Volume 29
She doesn't post often, but when she does they're pretty intense. Now, she does post lesbian sex stories from her personal experience. But she also discusses gender issues and roles. It's wicked interesting.
There's my three. I'm much to busy to pick more writers that you may not have heard about. And by busy I mean I have ten minutes before I have to leave for work and where I might not be home until late tomorrow night, I didn't want to make you lovelies wait. So enjoy!
16 May 2011
Stalker & Life
I might have a stalker. Coworker comes into work on his days off when he knows I'm there. He hovers around me to the point other people notice. At work, we call him Stalker. It's seriously creepy. I'm fully regretting that date now. Which, of course, he is telling people he regrets. Because I'm the crazy one. Psh, sure I am.
In other news, Dels is almost healed. He has two teeny scabbed areas left and if he stops scratching, they should be healed soon. Poor thing has a huge bald spot but some fur is growing back. I took his cone off and let him outside for the first time since he became sick today. He honestly had no clue what to do with himself. He freaked at every sound since he hadn't heard them in so long, it was kind of cute. What wasn't cute was the bath I had to give him when he came back in. I was soaked.
I had an old skool day. I found a copy of Super Mario Bros the movie at my local WalMart, so I obviously bought it without a second thought. I spent my night reliving my wonderful childhood and as soon as it was over, I pulled out my brand new game. Momz bought an Xbox Kinect so I got Michael Jackson: The Experience. Needless to say, I've spent hours on this game. I've spent hours singing in flasetto and humping the air.
Hee!
In other news, Dels is almost healed. He has two teeny scabbed areas left and if he stops scratching, they should be healed soon. Poor thing has a huge bald spot but some fur is growing back. I took his cone off and let him outside for the first time since he became sick today. He honestly had no clue what to do with himself. He freaked at every sound since he hadn't heard them in so long, it was kind of cute. What wasn't cute was the bath I had to give him when he came back in. I was soaked.
I had an old skool day. I found a copy of Super Mario Bros the movie at my local WalMart, so I obviously bought it without a second thought. I spent my night reliving my wonderful childhood and as soon as it was over, I pulled out my brand new game. Momz bought an Xbox Kinect so I got Michael Jackson: The Experience. Needless to say, I've spent hours on this game. I've spent hours singing in flasetto and humping the air.
Hee!
15 May 2011
You Broke the Skin!
So Coworker quitting didn't last long. He texted me mid day to let me know he got his job back. Pretty awkward to have to go to work and see him. He just lingered around me, it was kind of creepy. He asked me about a thousand times if I was okay, if I was tired, if I was sick, if I was mad. He kept poking me and pinching my side like we were still flirting and I didn't just reject him. I told him everytime to stop touching me. He never really listened.
J kept joking around with me and laughed everytime we made eye contact. Apparently Coworker had also shown him the scratch marks on his back. I got serenaded with Cat Scratch Fever and Crazy Bitch all night. At one point he joked that he should start acting flirty around me to piss Coworker off. So we play flirted everytime we saw Coworker come near. At one point J loudly said, "Maybe we should go on a date." I was laughing my ass off all night. Later he told me that while I was out on a delivery, Coworker was looking pretty damn depressed and wouldn't tell J why. Probably didn't help that some of the flirty was borderline inappropriate.
I told J he was going out for drinks with me since everyone else had plans. He got off before I did so he hung around, further annoying Coworker. When I finally cashed out, we went across the street to a bar. I had my two rum and pineapple while he had a seemingly endless flow of beer. We casually flirted while playing three rounds of pool and chilling outside in the drizzle. I did win the last game, but only by default. Though I did make a badass behind the back shot. By the time 1:15am rolled by, I knew it was time to head out. I do live a half hour drive from where I was. We stayed for another song and I drove him home.
J kept joking around with me and laughed everytime we made eye contact. Apparently Coworker had also shown him the scratch marks on his back. I got serenaded with Cat Scratch Fever and Crazy Bitch all night. At one point he joked that he should start acting flirty around me to piss Coworker off. So we play flirted everytime we saw Coworker come near. At one point J loudly said, "Maybe we should go on a date." I was laughing my ass off all night. Later he told me that while I was out on a delivery, Coworker was looking pretty damn depressed and wouldn't tell J why. Probably didn't help that some of the flirty was borderline inappropriate.
I told J he was going out for drinks with me since everyone else had plans. He got off before I did so he hung around, further annoying Coworker. When I finally cashed out, we went across the street to a bar. I had my two rum and pineapple while he had a seemingly endless flow of beer. We casually flirted while playing three rounds of pool and chilling outside in the drizzle. I did win the last game, but only by default. Though I did make a badass behind the back shot. By the time 1:15am rolled by, I knew it was time to head out. I do live a half hour drive from where I was. We stayed for another song and I drove him home.
14 May 2011
I Hate Myself
I'm finally home after two days and I've washed off the scent of regret. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep again tonight or cause another coworker to quit. It's been a tough day to say the least.
I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.
The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.
Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.
I had a date last night. We went to a fun restaurant where the waiter was an adorable gay man and had delicious drinks. I was buzzed by the time I was too stuffed to continue eating. I actually had a good time and we decided to continue the night. We bought more drinks and went to my nana's empty house to watch movies. He immediately tried cuddling with me, kissing me on the cheek and head while I was hanging on to my drink for dear life. Every time he went for my hand I said I was holding hands with my bottle every time he tried to kiss me, I'd turn my head. Eventually though I did give in, made out for two seconds, he choked me, ate me out. I refused to let him touch me afterwards. I was slightly ashamed.
The night contined with the movie. Eventually we cuddled on the couch and I let him stay in the guest bed with me. We hooked up. I had sex with Coworker and I hate myself for it. The second it ended, which was when I pushed him off, I left and shut myself in the bathroom. I immediately started crying. I felt so horrible and mixed up. I'm still in love with someone else and I just boned a guy. I'm horrible. I slept in my nana's room and cried myself to sleep. Violent, heart breaking sobs. I honestly felt so low on the social scale that I didn't feel like I deserved any compassion for the pain I was feeling. When I woke up, he kept asking if I was mad at him. I simply said I was mad at myself and told him to go to work.
Work was awkward to say the least. I didn't want to talk to him, so I kept giving him one word answers. Towards the end of the night, J suddenly asked me what I did to make Coworker quit. I was so confused, I mean this just happened last night. I was teased for the remainder of the night, I got more than one funny looks. Though that could be about the hickey I desperately tried to cover with a pound of coverup. I was later told he was bragging about his back because of the scratches. I was pretty pissed.
12 May 2011
100 Deep
Welcome to my 100th post on this little blog of mine. It's taken me almost four years but we did it. I'm not sure how much I accomplished with this but I stuck to it after some coaxing. I started off as an overly emotional teen looking for an outlet and now I'm an emotionally confused young adult trying to figure out life.
If you've ever read my few posts from 2007, you'd know I was a young girl in love that didn't understand why life never went my way. I was with my ex fiancee and so in love, but the warning sides of the crumbling relationship had begun to show. I didn't have much friends, since I wans't exactly allowed them. We fought constantly and I felt worse off with him than I would without me. There were good times, but those were rare and far between. I really wish I had stuck with this, might have helped me out a lot.
Here's some excerpts from the early days.
I came back this past December and I've been posting pretty regularly, with the exception of my sans internet days in January. I've blogged about silly topics with the attempt to keep your attention, from zombies to serial killers. When it comes to real topics, there's been everything from loneliness to heartbreak to love. At this point in time I've been overcome with heartbreak and I'm back to the emotionally confused individual you all know and love. Emotions freak me out and I try to keep people at a distance. I blame Mike, I honestly do.
I'm paranoid, untrusting, and the slightest interest in me freaks me out. Take Coworker, we're going on a date tomorrow and I'm freaking. He's completely interested in me and I can't handle the attention. Despite the fact I'm in love with someone else that I can't be with, I just can't get my head around this situation. He's tried putting his arm around me a few times and I shy away. I just act awkward and stare at the ground. I honestly feel bad regardless of the fact I have explained to him multiple times he'll need to be patient with me. But we'll see how it all goes.
Knowing me I'll just bone his brains out and send him on his way. The physical is the only thing I have been able to handle these past few years. But this is me, I can't even begin to hide it.
Here's some excerpts from the early days.
Mike means everything to me and I'm so happy I have him. He's the best thing I could have ever hoped for. He treats me the way only the most special girls deserve. I'm so happy he's considering going to South Carolina with me. It makes everything so much easier. And he's completely ecsatic about the fact that he now has a job and will have money on a regular basis, a good chunk too. I love him more than anything and I always will. And he claims that he will never find anyone that he loves more than me. Which, is the best thing I have ever heard.
Everything is beginning to fall apart and I no longer know what to do anymore. I feel as if I should question anything and everything that is happening but also feel like I should just cave in. Somehow everything seems to be my fault and I don't do anything. All I do is go to school, work, and hang out with Mike. But yet I'm the cause of everyone's problems. ... It just seems so hard to keep this going when all everyone does is talk about me behind my back spreading all these rumors that aren't true. I'm honestly not sure what he does and does not believe. I think the vision he had of me has changed for the worse and that I'll no longer seem worthy to him in his eyes. It feels so horrible to have no one to talk to anymore. There is no one for me to vent with and I'm forced to keep half of all this to myself. I can't exactly tell him that I feel this way. That would just make me seem insecure and helpless.I disappeared for three years. Mainly because I forgot about this. I forgot about most anything related to my writing, it was easier that way.
I came back this past December and I've been posting pretty regularly, with the exception of my sans internet days in January. I've blogged about silly topics with the attempt to keep your attention, from zombies to serial killers. When it comes to real topics, there's been everything from loneliness to heartbreak to love. At this point in time I've been overcome with heartbreak and I'm back to the emotionally confused individual you all know and love. Emotions freak me out and I try to keep people at a distance. I blame Mike, I honestly do.
I'm paranoid, untrusting, and the slightest interest in me freaks me out. Take Coworker, we're going on a date tomorrow and I'm freaking. He's completely interested in me and I can't handle the attention. Despite the fact I'm in love with someone else that I can't be with, I just can't get my head around this situation. He's tried putting his arm around me a few times and I shy away. I just act awkward and stare at the ground. I honestly feel bad regardless of the fact I have explained to him multiple times he'll need to be patient with me. But we'll see how it all goes.
Knowing me I'll just bone his brains out and send him on his way. The physical is the only thing I have been able to handle these past few years. But this is me, I can't even begin to hide it.
10 May 2011
Complicated Mess
I spent the majority of my day cleaning up Nana's house and helping her pack. She's leaving in the morning to venture back to the Cape for the summer. Gawd I'm jealous. I wish I was going with her. I ran around doing errands for her in the early afternoon. I have to admit I was that wicked annoying chick breaking a 100$ for a 5$ purchase. I'm pretty sure I saw the cashier glaring at me. What bitch, you had mad dough in yo drawer! I saw that shit! Have I mentioned I act ghetto when I'm telling people off in my mind? Shit just happened.
When I returned to her house she left to pay bills and left me with dahling Chipper. He seemed absolutely bored sitting on the porch with me while I was listening to music and texting Coworker. We were debating the use of pet names. I've gotten like, three from him and have no clue what I did to earn them. Apparently I'm "sweetheart", "hun", and "angel". The last is my personal one. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me knows I'm no angel. I'm kind of a bitch. He's not close enough to get one from me yet. You have to earn that shit.
When my fried chicken arrived, I was balls deep in that delish, greasy mess of amazingness. Heaven. We were still packing the car when a burly black man walked by. Whooooosh, Chipper chases him barking his little heart out. Nana assures the man that Chipper won't hurt him, he just has an issue with men. I finished cleaning and responded to a text from Coworker. I headed out and stopped at work on the way. I parked, lit up a smoke and leaned against the side of the building. Coworker hung out with me and we chatted away inbetween puffs. He pinched my side, attempted to put his arm around me. That kind of felt weird. I allowed him to pull me closer but not as close as he wished and he kept his arm to himself. Another dude we work with, J, stood there with us and we talked about how ladylike I am for a few minutes after I spit.
When I returned to her house she left to pay bills and left me with dahling Chipper. He seemed absolutely bored sitting on the porch with me while I was listening to music and texting Coworker. We were debating the use of pet names. I've gotten like, three from him and have no clue what I did to earn them. Apparently I'm "sweetheart", "hun", and "angel". The last is my personal one. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me knows I'm no angel. I'm kind of a bitch. He's not close enough to get one from me yet. You have to earn that shit.
When my fried chicken arrived, I was balls deep in that delish, greasy mess of amazingness. Heaven. We were still packing the car when a burly black man walked by. Whooooosh, Chipper chases him barking his little heart out. Nana assures the man that Chipper won't hurt him, he just has an issue with men. I finished cleaning and responded to a text from Coworker. I headed out and stopped at work on the way. I parked, lit up a smoke and leaned against the side of the building. Coworker hung out with me and we chatted away inbetween puffs. He pinched my side, attempted to put his arm around me. That kind of felt weird. I allowed him to pull me closer but not as close as he wished and he kept his arm to himself. Another dude we work with, J, stood there with us and we talked about how ladylike I am for a few minutes after I spit.
Drunk Conversations & Flirtations
From last night to tonight, I'm finding humor in the things we say while intoxicated. I may have wrote way too much in my post last night and may have drunkenly attempted to talk to a few people. I don't really regret any of it, but I kind of wish I wasn't so close to my computer during that. Oh well.
Tonight I'm getting drunk texts from a coworker trying to get me to cuddle. Apparently all that side pinching and teasing was flirting. Go figure. Might also explain why he poked my nose in the walk-in yesterday. Hmm... I have to admit it's pretty amusing to read "Oh god I need you I need you now" from someone who've only had passing conversations with. I personally think he's just looking for a rebound since his recent break up, even though he claims that not to be the case.
Part of me really likes the attention considering the major blow my ego took yesterday. It makes me feel attractive and wanted, even if just in the physical sense. Unfortunately for him I need longer than a 24hour grieving period to put the pieces of my heart back together. Also unfortunately for him, I'm not interested in sex. I mean, I was last night but I was upset and on a mission. But now that I'm more in a normal state, it's just not what I want. I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I've been celibate since September. I came close to breaking it back in February, but I don't count a two second penetration. This was my way of delaying my number increasing. So far it's been a little frustrating, but that's what lesbian porn and Fernando are for.
I just wish my stomach would settle. I'm sure it's punishing me for drinking most of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach. Gosh, I always knew my life was charmed.
Tonight I'm getting drunk texts from a coworker trying to get me to cuddle. Apparently all that side pinching and teasing was flirting. Go figure. Might also explain why he poked my nose in the walk-in yesterday. Hmm... I have to admit it's pretty amusing to read "Oh god I need you I need you now" from someone who've only had passing conversations with. I personally think he's just looking for a rebound since his recent break up, even though he claims that not to be the case.
Part of me really likes the attention considering the major blow my ego took yesterday. It makes me feel attractive and wanted, even if just in the physical sense. Unfortunately for him I need longer than a 24hour grieving period to put the pieces of my heart back together. Also unfortunately for him, I'm not interested in sex. I mean, I was last night but I was upset and on a mission. But now that I'm more in a normal state, it's just not what I want. I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I've been celibate since September. I came close to breaking it back in February, but I don't count a two second penetration. This was my way of delaying my number increasing. So far it's been a little frustrating, but that's what lesbian porn and Fernando are for.
I just wish my stomach would settle. I'm sure it's punishing me for drinking most of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach. Gosh, I always knew my life was charmed.
09 May 2011
Lingerie & Wine
Bottle of wine in hand and pantless, I sit here crossed legged on my bed when the clock is about to ring midnight. I wished for 11:11, did you? Was your wish as pointless as mine? It was about the same as always, but with a slight alteration. I've always wished to be in the arms of my beloved, now I wish I could still call him that. I wished I wasn't fighting back tears as I chug this bottle trying to drown the pain. I'm trying to coddle my heart with alcohol. I'm hoping to make it numb, to easily put all my walls back. The walls that had only recently been torn down. It breaks my heart I let my guard down for the first time in years only to have it bite me in the ass.
Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.
I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.
I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.
Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.
Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.
Half a bottle of wine and I'm still sitting in here in my bed. I have a feeling the booze isn't working because the words keep coming. My heart was broken today. I went through with my usual response, I made myself look hot to prove I was still desirable. I had work, so I wore my best lingerie. I must have been sending off "ego boost needed" waves because I was hit on more than once tonight. I almost went home with a coworker tonight. He came to work buzzed and when I told him of my plans to drink tonight, he said he'd come. He followed me into the walk-in and poked my nose. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your view, he went home while I was on a delivery. No drunk Jess for him. No upset and lustful Jess for him. Knowing me, I would have at least made out with him to prove I still had it. On a delivery a guy said "They have cute girls like you all by themselves. Not even your boyfriend with you." He even offered to walk me to my car. After work, I went to the store to buy the wine I'm currently drinking. The employee chatted me up and said my coworker was crazy to stand me up. Oh men.
I'm feeling fuzzy and I still can't make the words stop. I've completely lost my appetite and haven't even craved food all day. If I sleep tonight, it's because of the wine. My heart has been aching all day, my chest in physical pain. I've been trying to distract myself all day. But every time I have a spare moment, my mind goes to him and I feel the pain again. Have I mentioned it's a miracle I'm actually spelling words? Burp. Thank you wine for making me more attractive. Is it bad I really wish I wasn't here? It would be so much easier if I wasn't home and alone with my thoughts. I should be out with a guy I only know as a coworker and proving I'm still desirable and attractive. That's what I need right now. I need someone to say I'm worth something. That I'm not the person that can be thrown aside easily. I want to feel like someone. I feel so alone right now and it's not the greatest feeling. Hate it actually.
I'm listening to the song he gave me. Probably not the smartest idea but I'm drunk and don't care. I miss being loved. I'm still lovable, right? I hope I'm still worth some effort. But recent evidence shows I'm not. Recent evidence proves I'm nothing. No one to be cared about. Someone to be toyed with. I'm disposable. Worthless. Nothing to write home about. This is absolutely crazy. I have to be worth something. I need to be worthy of loving. Everytime I fall in love, which isn't often contary to popular belief, I get broken beyond belief. This time is no exception. I'm listening to these lyrics and they fit perfectly. I'm drunk and I need him and I'm fighting the urge to reach out. I really want to but know I shouldn't.
Ugh, why and I having so many conflicting emotions? I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want the heart break. I want him around, but I don't want to fall further in love. I'm upset he broke my heart, but god help me I love him. Fuck locations. They mean nothing. I was willing to try. I was willing to save money I didn't have and defect but I'm not even worth the slightest effort of being talked to. If his goal was to make me feel like nothing, I think he hit it right on the mark.
Well I'm getting numb and actually amazed I'm still forming sentences. Good night blogging world. I'm going to try and put the pieces back together.
08 May 2011
We're Awesome
Momz and I have the greatest idea. It's going to take loads of planning and tons of enthusiasm but I'm ready. Are you?!
Welcome to my family ice cream shoppe. Yes, I'm officially spelling it in the old timey way because it makes it that much cooler. It's going to be a Cape Cod themed place and like me, it'll be awesome. You see, our town has a serious lack of ice cream parlors. Every once in a while we get a epic craving for ice cream and there's no where to go in a ten mile radius. We have to be desperate enough to go to McDonald's for a tiny ice cream if we get anything. Not cool.
We'll bring dips, crunch coats, and jimmies to the South. They're fucking jimmies, not sprinkles! Leave that weak shit outside. We haven't seen one place that does dips since Cape, it's simply tragic. Sundaes are going to be named after various Cape landmarks. Like the Mayflower, it's a banana boat. Pretty clever, huh?
Welcome to my family ice cream shoppe. Yes, I'm officially spelling it in the old timey way because it makes it that much cooler. It's going to be a Cape Cod themed place and like me, it'll be awesome. You see, our town has a serious lack of ice cream parlors. Every once in a while we get a epic craving for ice cream and there's no where to go in a ten mile radius. We have to be desperate enough to go to McDonald's for a tiny ice cream if we get anything. Not cool.
| Butterscotch dip. <3 |
| Crunch coat! |
We'll bring dips, crunch coats, and jimmies to the South. They're fucking jimmies, not sprinkles! Leave that weak shit outside. We haven't seen one place that does dips since Cape, it's simply tragic. Sundaes are going to be named after various Cape landmarks. Like the Mayflower, it's a banana boat. Pretty clever, huh?
I'm excited. I hope we actually do this. We've been talking about it for a while but we seriously talked about it tonight, permits and costs and such. I'll keep you posted!
07 May 2011
Ramblings of a Stahving Driver
It's past six, and I haven't eatten today. I had half a Black&Mild and most of a bottle of soda, but other than the tiniest piece of pop corn chicken you have ever seen, no food has been digested. Reasons? Well I was called into work this morning before I had time to eat breakfast. They needed me stat, I didn't even get my shower. I got home about 45 minutes ago but my first priority was to shower. I felt gross. Today was a hot day and our uniforms are black. Leaving a hot kitchen only to be in a hot car is not the ideal. I sweated balls today, ick. Brother is making me dinner on per my order. Pasta sounds pretty nice right now, yay carbs!
But I can't complain too much, I got pretty good tippers today. I only went on three runs and made 16$ in tips plus 1$ per run. So this tired Miss Blogger is going to get out of this towel wrap, put on laundry day clothes, EAT, then run to the laundromat. *my tummy gurgled!* Man is my day exciting! XD
PS, Dels still has some sores, though the smaller ones have healed. I've been worried sick about him and been upset for days. He seems fun, but annoyed we won't let him outside and make him wear a cone. XD
But I can't complain too much, I got pretty good tippers today. I only went on three runs and made 16$ in tips plus 1$ per run. So this tired Miss Blogger is going to get out of this towel wrap, put on laundry day clothes, EAT, then run to the laundromat. *my tummy gurgled!* Man is my day exciting! XD
PS, Dels still has some sores, though the smaller ones have healed. I've been worried sick about him and been upset for days. He seems fun, but annoyed we won't let him outside and make him wear a cone. XD
05 May 2011
03 May 2011
Proud To Be An American?
There's been a whole lot of American pride going on lately. I can't turn on the radio, tv, or even look at a social networking site without hearing "God Bless America". There's been rallies and group pride show offs. It seems like every college campus is showing coverage of a new mess of students wearing red, white, and blue screaming some unitelligent gibberish about how great our country is. I went into town today, where a Marine base is located, half expecting to see our colors everywhere. I was more than a little shocked that the only difference was horrible traffic.
Why is everyone suddenly so gung ho about being American? I'm sure you've already heard if you live here, but if you're one of my readers from other countries, I'll share. Osama Bin Laden has been killed. A mission was carried out that actually killed him. Ten years after the attacks on this country, the ring leader of the terrorist group responsible is no more. However to me, it seems like such an empty victory. Yes, the man who organized 9/11 which killed so many of our citizens has been murdered himself. But he wasn't just one person acting against this country, he was just the leader. So what will stop the next in line from launching another attack? Most organizations don't die out if their leader is dead, they pick a new leader.
I understand that most of our country needs this right now. The South has seen so much destruction in these last weeks due to the tornados. I saw some of this damage myself today driving through some back roads. My heart sincerely goes out to those affected. So many houses were just gone. So many lives were ruined, I can't help but sympathize. With all of that in mind, I completely and totally understand why this is so important to them. It's something big and good after all the heartbreak. Patriotism is something to cling to, something to attempt to fix the damage of their psyches.
Why is everyone suddenly so gung ho about being American? I'm sure you've already heard if you live here, but if you're one of my readers from other countries, I'll share. Osama Bin Laden has been killed. A mission was carried out that actually killed him. Ten years after the attacks on this country, the ring leader of the terrorist group responsible is no more. However to me, it seems like such an empty victory. Yes, the man who organized 9/11 which killed so many of our citizens has been murdered himself. But he wasn't just one person acting against this country, he was just the leader. So what will stop the next in line from launching another attack? Most organizations don't die out if their leader is dead, they pick a new leader.
I understand that most of our country needs this right now. The South has seen so much destruction in these last weeks due to the tornados. I saw some of this damage myself today driving through some back roads. My heart sincerely goes out to those affected. So many houses were just gone. So many lives were ruined, I can't help but sympathize. With all of that in mind, I completely and totally understand why this is so important to them. It's something big and good after all the heartbreak. Patriotism is something to cling to, something to attempt to fix the damage of their psyches.
01 May 2011
Hey Fatty, Got Fries With That Shake?
Weight has always been an issue. Most of us see the fat phobia everyday, whether it's directed against you, against someone else, or maybe you're making the comments. I personally have ridden the weight roller coaster my entire life. Though I've never been in the extreme, I still have been on the really thin side and the side where you're slightly embarassed. We do have control over weight. Maybe not over the actual loss, but our mind set about it. We've been conditioned to hate fat, to hate fat people, to hate ourselves if we have that extra pudge around the middle.
Have you ever been called a name, been mooed at? Have you ever counted each day by the number of fat jokes you heard? If you're one of those people who've been thin your whole life, you really won't get it all that much. Yes, you might have a fat friend and you see what they're going through, but it's much, much different when directed at you. I've hated myself, I've had eating disorders on both ends, I've cried myself to sleep. Lots of times I just gave up and accepted it. That right there, is the real problem. We turn into what the world tells us to.
I was a really skinny toddler but somewhere along the way that changed. Something was wrong with the connection between my stomach and my brain and I never quite knew when I was full. Because of this, I did gain the weight. I also had to be put on medication to help correct that, to try to stop the horrible pains I got when I literally couldn't fit another bite. I was the chubby kid. I remember hating swim lessons during summer camp because the kids hated being on the team with the "fat girl". It sucks, it honestly does.
Have you ever been called a name, been mooed at? Have you ever counted each day by the number of fat jokes you heard? If you're one of those people who've been thin your whole life, you really won't get it all that much. Yes, you might have a fat friend and you see what they're going through, but it's much, much different when directed at you. I've hated myself, I've had eating disorders on both ends, I've cried myself to sleep. Lots of times I just gave up and accepted it. That right there, is the real problem. We turn into what the world tells us to.
I was a really skinny toddler but somewhere along the way that changed. Something was wrong with the connection between my stomach and my brain and I never quite knew when I was full. Because of this, I did gain the weight. I also had to be put on medication to help correct that, to try to stop the horrible pains I got when I literally couldn't fit another bite. I was the chubby kid. I remember hating swim lessons during summer camp because the kids hated being on the team with the "fat girl". It sucks, it honestly does.
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