04 December 2010

I Love The Way You Lie...

The most significant romantic relationship in my life lasted from February 10th 2007 to sometime in late June 2008. It became an on again off again complicated mess with ties being cut multiple times and broken promises of silence for another year. And while the relationship was never abusive, it sort of became the way in that messed up second year. No, never physical. He never hit me or land a hand on me in a hurtful manner. It was that sneakier way of abusing someone, that kind that sticks around much longer than the person. That's why, now over a year later, I'm still feeling it.

I'll take you back to the beginning. We met the summer of '05 and Mike was immediately smitten with me. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend, that was the summer I met my first real love and I couldn't be bothered with another guy. We didn't speak until the following year, around the end of my relationship with my first love. Once it was over, we started hanging out and I began to feel for him what he did for me and we started dating within the month. It seemed like the perfect relationship to me. I was with someone who had been in love with me from the time we met and absolutely adored me. We found out we had walked around each other all our lives. Our fathers knew each other, drug connections but this the early 90's, I lived next door to his grandmother, his best friend was the brother of my brother's best friend. His older sister even baby sat me a few times. To me, it seemed like fate. He became my whole life, he was my best friend, I saw him everyday. So when he proposed that summer, I said yes. I honestly believed we belonged together and we'd spend our lives together. We got in a car accident in the end of August and if I hadn't swerved he would've died. To my surprise, he stayed with me so I started my senior year of high school engaged and was happier than ever.

Around this time the issues started, I couldn't spend time with any guys unless they were pre approved. Our relationship almost ended over one I hung out with twice, yes only twice. The subject of my going to college came up and we began fighting about where I'd go. I wanted South Carolina, where my dream school was. He wanted me to stay close and go somewhere just over the bridge. The engagement was broken off countless times. Then his father got sick. It was sometime in January '08 and it wasn't looking too good. I loved his father, he seemed like the only part of the family that liked me. When I went to the Carolinas my February break to look at colleges, Mike wanted to come with me but my mom refused. She didn't want to bring him and have something happen to his father while he were gone. So of course the worst happened. Only the third day I was gone I recieved a phone call. Mike was in tears telling me his father passed and begging me to come home. We were an 16hr drive away and hadn't even looked at one of the three schools we planned to visit, there was no way my mom was driving back. Mike accused me of not caring about him and not wanting to be there for him causing me to also be in tears halfway through the call. In the end, we ended up coming home a week early so I could attend the service. After that we became a little closer. Mike started talking about coming with me since I had gotten into all the schools I applied to, but later recanted that decision. He started planning for his life without me around this time putting himself above me. Which I do understand but he was jeopordizing our relationship in the process. He missed my high school graduation to attend a test he didn't have to take, to say the least I was pissed. He completely blew something that was important to me for something completely irrevelant to his possible career. Everything was slowly falling apart.

One day there was a fight. I don't even remember what it was about but that usually doesn't matter. It just got blown way out of porportion and I eventually stormed out and went home. Within the half hour, he was at my house. We continued to argue and we discussed me going off to college that fall. He took something I said horribly wrong and assumed I had just dumped him. I hadn't, I had no wish of being without him but when he stormed off without letting me explain I said fuck it. Turns out, this was Father's Day. He thought I dumped him Father's Day the year his died. I'm not that cruel, especially to someone I love. We were back together a day later but things had changed and he was always bitter towards me. The relationship ended about two weeks later and he began to whore himself out to all the tourist girls. He played with my head the rest of the summer and we still slept together but when he tried getting me back at the end of the summer, I said no. This continued for another year. Bouts of hating each other broken up with words of love and sex. We cut ties countless times and broke those promises to ourselves. I was depressed that entire year, my first in college which I flunked out of. I couldn't get out of bed and reverted back to my old habit of cutting. I tried putting myself in counsoling but that didn't help. I finally put an end to it in July '09, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being depressed, suicidal, hating myself. All because of some guy.

And now here we are in December '10 and I still feel the hurt. I haven't been in a serious relationship since, the longest being three months. I tell the men in my life I love them but don't feel it. I don't trust people anymore and I've become colder than I ever wanted. I hate that I can't think of him without wanting to hit something. It's not the greatest thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No one should ever feel their world ending again and again.

But you know what they say, those who you love most are the ones that can hurt you the most.

1 comment:

ShineTheLight said...

This is really heartfelt..My advice to you is chin up. Relationships can get messy, and mess your head up in urn. But you just gotta remember the person you are inside. Try to find the stronger person in yourself, and let them make the decisions for you.
Just get out there and think f*ck it...Because lingering on a messed up relationship like that is really bad for you...Hope this helps :)